So Ilya plops down on the couch, stoned as the day he was born, takes one look at the coffee table and says, “I see they’ve created a new way to get food into your mouth”. He was talking, of course, about how I instinctively rolled up a paper plate and shoved it into a soon-to-be discarded plastic cup. A “Cuplate” he called it.
“You’re life is not cuplate without it.” I responded.
After assuring me that it could totally sell, he asked what I was typing. “I’m trying to think of a blog entry idea,” I responded.
“Write about the cuplate” he stated, matter-of-factly.
“I’m not going to write about the cuplate. I need to think of a top ten” I informed him.
“Why not write about the cuplate?” He asked, perhaps implying that nothing I could conjure would be as interesting as a paper plate shoved into a stupid red cup.
“Because, Ilya, I could probably think of ten better things to write about than the cuplate.”
“Prove it.”
And so here we are…
10. Politics – I’d never stoop so low as to write about politics, because that’s the stuff popular blogs are made of, and I’ll be damned if I ever become one of those popular blogs. That’s why it’s number ten on this list. Come to think of it, if it came down to the cuplate and politics, I’d probably rather talk about the cuplate.
09. Burn After Reading – I could write about how Nate, Tom, Nicci and I tried to attend a free screening of the new Coen brothers film last evening at the Arclight, but we arrived too late. Instead, I bought everyone pizza and we watched John Carpenter’s The Thing. No chicks in that movie! It’s good that way, too, because you know if there was a woman in that station she’d have fucked the alien and ruined any chance at survival within the first five minutes of the movie. That’s just what women do. They fuck shit up for the rest of us.
08. The Doctor – I went to a doctor yesterday and it was a pretty bad experience. I showed him some bug bites on my arm and before I could finish asking if they were gnats, noseeums, fleas or bedbugs, he interjected, “It could be worse! It could be much worse!” Aren’t doctors supposed to have good bedside manner? Aren’t they supposed to coolly and calmly tell you their diagnoses or answer any questions you might have?
07. Sonic Youth – It would be so, so easy to slag on Sonic Youth following the recent announcement that they will be releasing their next album on Matador. But, I’m not going to do what you all think it is I’m going to do, because LIKE I JUST SAID it’s too easy! Fuck Sonic Youth! Fuck Matador! That’s all that has to be said. If you really need to know why they both suck so much, just search the archives of this page.
06. Diet Rite Pure Zero Tangerine – Nervously, I commented that maybe I couldn’t think of ten things more interesting than the cuplate. Then Nicci offered, “You could be writing about me.” As I casually ignored her comment, she again spoke up, louder this time, “You could be writing about me.” She took a sip of soda pop, and I looked over at her and responded, “I could be writing about Diet Rite Pure Zero Tangerine,” the very same soda she was at that moment drinking. Then I turned back to my computer and began writing this paragraph.
05. Wireless Vibrating Cock Ring – So it’s come to this. I’m promoting a sex toy on my website! Wouldn’t mama be proud? Sure, I haven’t tried it, but it looks pretty awesome, right?
04. Baby Boomers – Again? You ask. Yes. I will never grow tired of writing about those wretched Baby Boomers. My ire might never meet that of Gen X’er over at The Worst Generation Ever, but it will definitely keep me busily searching for
03. Forbidden Planet – Nicci just started watching Airplane, which reminds me that we watched another Leslie Neilson movie earlier this week. You know the one, I posted the soundtrack for download last month or the month before? It was one of the first films to feature an entirely electronic music score. I started to fall asleep near the end, but it was quite entertaining. Not as entertaining as, say, Altered States, but pretty good for a film that was made in the ’50s!
02. Kombucha drinks – Ilya just walked back into the room, a mere FOUR HOURS after I started writing this list (kill me, kill me now) and he’s drinking something called Synergy. Those drinks freak me out. They claim to cause euphoria or extreme relaxation, but I think that’s all suggestive bullshit that marketers use to sell more drinks. I mean, it’s got bacteria in it. There’s something wrong with that, don’t you think?
01. I can’t do it. I can’t think of ten things that are better to write about than the cuplate. The cuplate might be the greatest invention ever. I don’t know why it hasn’t been patented yet by the Glad Corporation or Solo or Maytag or GE or something. It’s baffling me. Imagine consuming food out of a cuplate. It’d probably make eating feel better than sex, am I right? Look at it. Marvel in its splendor. The cuplate is the future of human consumption. Bow down before the cuplate.
I sent 75orLess and Bill in San Diego Thank You notes today, and the care packages just keep on getting better. Those of you who have not received yours yet, you’re in for some real treats. For those of you who choose to donate in the future, your gifts will be quite awesome. I just keep amassing more and more weird, hilarious things to give away to those who show their appreciation for this site.
