I was actually reading Pitchfork the other day (I know…I know), and I came across an interesting news item about Weezer. First, apparently they’re trying their hand at another self-titled album (although, Led Zeppelin they are not), but they’ve also just released a “digital single” (God I hate these uber-modern trends), and have added two bonus tracks for their UK release. The tracks? A cover of The Band’s “The Weight” and a cover of Talk Talk’s “Life Is What You Make Of It”. Granted, the Talk Talk tune was from The Colour Of Spring, which I find to be the weakest of their three later-period recordings, but the mere fact that Weezer has covered a Talk Talk song has me feeling totally embarrassed for them. Talk about a band with absolutely no credibility paying homage to a band with immense credibility…I wonder, what are the worst covers of all time, and where would Weezer covering Talk Talk fit on such a list?
10. Pink Floyd / Korn – “Another Brick In The Wall (Part 2)” – Replace the psychedelic drugs with crystal meth and you’re still miles off from just how horrible this cover is. Granted, “Another Brick In The Wall” was one of Pink Floyd’s harder-edged songs (and also their only chart-topper!), but just because it’s a relatively heavy song doesn’t mean that a band as stupidly heavy as Korn can do it justice. Throw in some of Jonathan Davis (not the guy from Superdrag!) metal-scat vocal stylings and you’ve got all the ingredients for one of the worst fucking covers ever made. And it’s only number 10 on this list.
09. The Who / Limp Bizkit – “Behind Blue Eyes” – This could easily be number one, but I decided instead to group like-covers together. Limp Bizkit is one of the most embarrassing ’90s artifacts, and anyone who ever owned one of their albums should just put the gun in your mouth and pull the trigger, because there’s no way you’re ever going to live that down. For a band whose fame arose from a George Michael cover, you would think that they’d be a bit more discerning about their next choice for a cover. No, and it’s one of the worst songs I’ve ever heard in my entire life, cover or not.
08. David Bowie / The Wallflowers – “Heroes” – I was about to put Oasis on this list for their cover of “Heroes,” but then I remembered that the Wallflowers covered it too, and they actually made it into a semi-hit, so I figured that was way more retarded than just saying Oasis buried it on some UK import single during the Be Here Now era. The Wallflowers have been, and always will be one of the most annoyingly bland bands to ever exist, and the fact that “Heroes” is a mind-numbing tune makes listening this cover literally the least interesting thing you can ever hear.
07. Leonard Cohen / Rufus Wainwright – “Hallelujah” – What made Leonard Cohen so fucking incredible? Was it the recurring themes of sex, religion, and depression? The morose, dark tone of voice? The weird high school English teacher tweed jackets? Who knows…what I do know is, I fucking loved the somberness of his songs, and hearing the gayest gay in the history of homosexuality murder Cohen’s lines in his wimpy pretty-boy voice made me vomit all over myself in sheer disgust (the line “remember when I moved in you?” Ewww!). Totally missed the point of the song. And he made a mockery of even more songs on the Leonard Cohen: I’m Your Man documentary by having to make costume changes between each song. Come on guy, this isn’t Broadway, you’re supposed to be honoring somebody else. How about a little modesty. It might make your overwhelming terribleness slightly more palatable.
06. The Pixies / Nada Surf – “Where Is My Mind” – You could pick any song off Death To The Pixies and label it the worst cover of all time. The Get Up Kids cover “Alec Eiffel”, Local H does “Tame,” and — oh look — Weezer covered “Velouria”! Perhaps the biggest offense on this album was the Nada Surf rendition of “Where Is My Mind?” Perhaps the most simplistic of all simplistic Pixies songs, “Where Is My Mind?” is the perfect for a band to approach in a new and unique manner. So, what did Nada Surf do? Nothing. They fucking bored the shit out of us with a vanilla cover of a vanilla song. Nice goin’, morons.
05. Gary Numan / Foo Figthers – “Down In The Park” – Dave Grohl, you are so embarrassing. You’re like the Jack Black of rock music. You can’t not be all soft and kid friendly and untalented. You can’t do anything but write totally cheesy anthemic rock songs, most of your which are so classically emo they’d make a Pinkerton-era Rivers Cuomo blush. And your cover of “Down In The Park” as not only a horrible song choice (because the original is so cool and unique), but it further proved my theory that if you can’t write a good song yourself, you’re certainly not going to do any better trying to reimagine an already good tune.
04. Talk Talk / Weezer – “Life Is What You Make Of It” – I started writing this list with this song in mind, and here it is, number four on the list. I think in most circles, the late-period Talk Talk albums are regarded as untouchable musical gems. I can’t ever imagine anyone covering a song from Spirit Of Eden or Laughing Stock and doing it much justice at all. And then Weezer came along and took a song from Colour Of Spring — again, not one of the band’s two 10-star albums — and have sullied the beauty of the original song, much in the same way 311 ruined The Cure’s “Lovesong”, and Zwan ruined the Beatles’ “Don’t Let Me Down.”
03. Bob Dylan / Dave Matthews Band – “All Along The Watchtower” – Kids who wear baseball hats and too much cologne love this thing, but to me it sounds like a POW being tortured. You read news stories all the time about psychological warfare…things like blaring a Spice Girls song really loudly over PA systems for hours on repeat to drive somebody completely insane…I think if you really wanted to make me go insane you could lock me in a room and put this cover on repeat for a few hours. I would crumble.
02. Van Morrison / Bob Dylan – “And It Stoned Me” – Of course, Bob Dylan himself is responsible for one of — if not the worst covers of all time. Jesus Bob, what the hell did Van Morrison ever do to you to deserve this? This song is the equivalent of a ninth-month abortion. It’s just wrong.
01. The Beatles / The Cast Of Across The Universe – Entire Beatles Catalog – Thanks for ruining The Beatles for me, guys. Not only was that the worst fucking movie I have ever seen, but you successfully got me to start mocking some of my favorite Beatles songs because it was more entertaining than your stupid covers. Bono, The Edge, your cover of “Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds” might have been the saddest part of one of the saddest movies ever made. U2 already decimated “Helter Skelter”, how many more times does the “biggest band in the world” have to ruthlessly murder the Beatles’ catalog before realizing that they’re hacks and stop recording music.
I think I’m gonna throw a party on the day U2 call it quits. Who’s coming?
Dillard Chandler – The Sailor Being Tired – (buy this album)
Sonny Boy Williamson – Got The Bottle Up And Gone – (buy this album)
Japanther – See Evil – (buy this album)
A Taste Of Ra – Flowers, Bats and Boats – (buy this album)
