I have been putting off this post. My laptop — resuscitated by the repair department at Apple — returned to me a few days ago. I was not ready to immediately slip back into the daily routine. Quite frankly I still don’t feel like it. There has been a whirlwind of activity surrounding me for the past few weeks and it has somehow picked up in intensity the past few days. Ordinarily I keep this sort of thing close to my chest, but I am tired of spending time alone with my thoughts. I feel like maybe I need to put it all down on “paper” and maybe it will alter my perspective. It would be nice if I could talk it out but communication has never been a strength of mine. When I was younger and my parents would fight I would retire to my room, shut down, and refuse to talk. My mother suggested I start writing if I could not speak my mind. I guess if anyone is to blame for this blog it would be her. She inadvertently started me writing every day. Keeping a journal was very private, and writing a blog is very much over-sharing. While I don’t think a public forum is a good place to air one’s inner turmoil, Swan Fungus began as a self-reflexive exercise. I don’t see why I can’t slip into solipsistic woe-is-me mode every once in a while.
I’ve been really unhappy for a while. I don’t know exactly when I started to feel that way. I think it was February, maybe earlier. Maybe it’s been hovering over me like a gossamer veil for even longer and I neglected to notice it (or maybe I was just drinking to ignore it?). Once I did, I couldn’t shake it. Mine has been the kind of unhappiness that wakes me in the middle of the night with a jolt and fills me with anxiety, and fear, and sadness. I’ve laid awake in my bed (or someone else’s) and taken stock of my life many, many times this year. And since I started taking stock it has been hard to stop. I have analyzed and over-analyzed everything and everyone. I’ve made lists of pros and cons to tried and convince myself I’m being irrational. Then I’ll get up and go to work and come home and think about how I don’t enjoy being in either of those places. I’d go out and spend time with my (ex)girlfriend and worry the whole time I was bringing her down, too. Eventually I succeeded in doing so because our fights outlasted our quality time together. I’m not above feeling insecure sometimes, so then I started focusing on whether our relationship was making me unhappy, or if my unhappiness was negatively impacting our relationship. And, being the terrible communicator I am, I was unable to find the right words to express to her why I was so stressed and upset all the time. And her being equally neurotic and insecure as I am, she mistook distance for disinterest. When we started dating I thought it was cute that we were two little nerds who could bond over their anxieties and phobias and fixations. Turns out those qualities under stress are not very cute. They can make you doubtful, they can make you say things you might not mean, and they can leave you feeling overwhelmed. In short, those commonalities I found so adorable when we met turned out to be our downfall.
I decided that I needed to focus more on making moves that would create a happier me. Instead of wallowing I should be proactive about moving out on my own and changing careers. A house with eight roommates isn’t my ideal living situation. I should be earning more money. In my mind if I could accomplish those two things I would be a better, happier, more confident partner. Maybe “better” isn’t the right word. I just think that if I spent less time dwelling on my current station in life I’d be able to chill out and focus on how to best build a lasting relationship. Whatever. It made sense to me at the time. Of course, saying that to your partner can easily be confused with telling them you’re incapable of being with them. And saying those things to a partner who already has doubts about your level of commitment and the strength of your feelings for her just hammers another nail into your relationship’s coffin. I tried to fight through it and be the best boyfriend I could while I navigated paths by which I could alter my living situation and job situation, but balancing everything turned out to be too much for me. I couldn’t focus on improving the parts of my life I needed to improve while being there for someone whose needs were just as important as my own. Once those sentiments were expressed (and they were poorly expressed, because I can never string a series of words together the way I want them to sound) things went downhill at breakneck speed.
I could write so much more but if I haven’t already gone over the OVER-SHARING edge I’m teetering on the brink. Sometimes amazing people come into our lives at the wrong time and we don’t get to fully appreciate or enjoy their presence. Sometimes we let our fears of what others think about us cloud our judgement. Sometimes we get it in our heads that a job or an apartment matter more than human connections. Sometimes resentment blinds us to love. Sometimes sadness matters more than happiness.
It really sucks. I should be so thankful today. Yesterday morning I put down a deposit on a one bedroom apartment in a neighborhood I’ve longed to call home for years. A friend let slip that a guy we both knew had just bought a condo and maybe I could have his apartment. The whole thing came together in about 48 hours. It was serendipity. On Thursday I went to scope it out firsthand. The landlord called and asked me to come by on Friday for an interview. I met him and his wife after work. They fed me steak and made me feel perfectly at home before officially offering me the room. Less than twelve hours later I was again sitting at their kitchen table (this time I was being fed eggs and bacon, quiche, watermelon and scallion pancakes) signing over a deposit for my new place. My own place. For the first time in seven years I have my own place. With the prettiest little front porch you’ve ever seen (fire pit, bamboo, and little lanterns overhead) that will be perfect for sipping whiskey and listening to records. My excitement about this new chapter in my life cannot be overstated. And yet in moving out and starting fresh and smiling about it…I have to live with the sacrifice I made to get me here.
I don’t want to say much more because it’s not going to achieve anything. You can’t un-burn a bridge anymore than you can fix a pane of glass you’ve shattered into a thousand pieces. I also don’t think there’s any use in dwelling on what-ifs and maybes. If I’d found this apartment two months ago would we celebrate the good news? Or were we already doomed by our neuroses and anxieties and insecurities? We can’t choose the terms by which people come into or leave our lives. No matter how much nervous excitement fills you at the start, or how much anger and frustration you lash out with at the end. We have to resign ourselves to the fact that we lack control. Sometimes the stranger on the train reaches his or her stop just before you get up the nerve to say hello. Sometimes you tell someone to wait for you and then they’re gone. Sometimes the best intentions lead to disappointment. Sometimes our happiness matters more than their sadness.
Fuck it. Here’s your Sunday mix tape.
Sunday Mix Tape – Number 368
“And The Whole World Turned Aside”
01. The House Of Love – The Girl With The Loneliest Eyes
02. The Black Heart Procession – A Light So Dim
03. Codeine – Pickup Song
04. Have A Nice Life – Emptiness Will Eat The Witch
05. Nina Nastasia – Bird Of Cuzco
06. Kowloon Walled City – Container Ships
07. The New Year – My Bleeding Wound
08. Yume Bitsu – The End Of Pain Is Near
09. Abilene – Apache Country
10. Elliott Smith – Easy Way Out
11. Bark Psychosis – Absent Friend
12. Joe Hisaishi – Laputa No Houkai
13. Today Is The Day – Nothing To Lose
14. Mogwai – Hugh Dallas
15. Stars Of The Lid – Goodnight
