Everybody’s Talkin’ Twinkies. I don’t quite understand why. Are people so dumb they can’t foresee a large food company buying the rights to Twinkies (and Wonder Bread) from Hostess and re-launching some of their “doomed” brands? There’s money to be made in both the Twinkies and Wonder Bread names. They’re not going to be gone for long, trust me.
That said, what’s up with TIME writing this “Top 10 Iconic Junk Foods” article? It’s not even remotely accurate. I might not even put Twinkies in my Top 20, and I used to eat a pack almost daily when I was growing up. Nor would I call “Cheese puffs” an iconic junk food. Or moon pies. Who eats moon pies anymore? Those were a 50s/60s thing, weren’t they? Doughnuts? How are both Twinkies and a doughnut iconic? One’s a mass-produced brand and one’s an actual food item. McDonalds french fries? That’s not even a junk food, it’s fast food. PEPPERONI PIZZA? What the fuck!? Oh, TIME. You really screwed this one up. Here, let me help you.
The Top 10 Iconic Junk Foods
10. Doritos – Okay, TIME got this one right. They’re iconic.
09. Cheez-Its – They’ve been around since 1921, and even though they might not sell as well as these ballyhooed “cheese puffs” TIME is calling iconic, they’re still one of the most recognizable junk foods in America. Keebler (manufacturer) has been around since the 1850s. They — or one of their smaller divisions — are the company that’s been responsible for baking Girl Scout Cookies since the ’30s. It’d be criminal to leave that brand off any junk food-related list.
08. Lay’s Classic Potato Chips – What’s any grill session without some potato chips? What’s any sandwich without some potato chips? Who is the most recognizable name in potato chips?
07. M&M’s – They’re a bit older than some of the other chocolate products you’ll find on this list (all of which are ranked higher), but they’re still iconic. They’ve also played an important role in my life, because they were the little treat that my grandmother used to give my sister and I whenever she would visit, or whenever we would go to stay at her house. After she passed away, it was discovered that she had hundreds and hundreds of little bags of M&M’s stored away in her kitchen pantry that she never got to give us. Take a moment to think about that (and the loss of a close family member) and cry. Then remember in 1995 when M&M’s introduced the blue M&M to replace the tan one? Boo.
06. Twinkies – Fine. You’re right. They belong on the list.
05. Crackerjacks. Fucking Crackerjacks. Does it get more iconic than that?
04. Animal Crackers – Don’t laugh. Barnum’s Animal Crackers are one of the oldest mass-produced cookies still being sold today. Originally they were just called “Animals,” and they were imported from England when the populace started to demand more “fancy” baked goods. Then NBC purchased the rights to “Animals” and changed the name to cash in on the popularity of P.T. Barnum’s circus. You know that box that’s made to look like a cage with the string attached to it? It was first made in 1902, and the string was there so the boxes could be hung on Christmas trees! What’s more iconic than THAT?
03. Snickers – TIME got that one right, but I don’t even think it’s the most iconic. I don’t have much of a sweet tooth but if I did these would still be second to Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups. That said, I think Baby Ruth might be more iconic. Or Oh, Henry. Those two chocolates are both older than Snickers. Shouldn’t that count for something? Hell, a simple Hershey bar is more iconic than a Snickers. That thing was introduced in 1900! Fuck it. I’m changing my answer to Hershey Bar
02. Coca-Cola – Before you get all high and mighty and call me out for including soda on a list of junk food, hear me out: food is any substance consumed to provide nutritional support to the body. It can be solid or liquid. Coca-Cola is pretty much one of the worst things you can put into your body (and, consequently, also one of the best-tasting). It belongs on any list of iconic junk foods. Certainly it’s more iconic than “pepperoni pizza” or pork rinds. Right, TIME?
01. Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups – Fuck you they’re the greatest junk food ever invented. And they’ve been around longer than Snickers. So there.
Alex Chilton – The Happy Song [MP3]
