I don’t know how much time I’m going to have for the rest of the week to blog because my schedule is jam-packed with things to do. I’ve got visitors visiting, I’ve got plans planned, and I’ve got parties to attend. Like the going away party I’m about to present myself at, because Fawn and Brian and their new baby Ayla (who I will now and forever refer to only as Arya Stark Of Winterfell) are moving to Portland soon. They were the first two friends I made when I moved to Los Angeles. They’re not the first two to skip town, but they’re the latest in a long line of friends who seem to think the whole LA-thing is OVER now.
Sometimes I think about going back to Jersey. I used to think about it a lot. For the first two years I lived here I was convinced that within the next six months I’d be out of here, on my way back to the Right Coast. Then I’d mention it to my ex and she would get upset and tell me not to so I would extricate those thoughts from my brain. That worked out well!
Why on Earth would I go back to Jersey? Dude…think about all the amazing people who have risen up from the tough streets of the Greatest State In The Union and achieved fame and riches the likes of which you could never imagine. I’m not talking about Springsteen. Fuck Springsteen. Nebraska is a cool record but the rest suck. I’m talking about the real stars of the Garden State. The Hall-Of-Famers. The ones I would enshrine in my own New Jersey Hall Of Fame if I started one. These guys:
The New Jersey Top Ten Hall Of Fame (September 2012 Edition)
10. James Urbaniak (Bayonne) – You guys should know James. He was in American Splendor — he played R. Crumb — and he’s the voice of Dr. Thaddeus Venture on The Venture Bros.! Which reminds me…do you know who else is from Jersey? Patrick Warburton (Paterson), who you might remember as David Puddy on Seinfeld, but who is the voice of Brock Samson on The Venture Bros.!
09. Todd Solondz (Newark) – I always thought he was from the suburbs, because when I was in high school I was shocked and amazed by how his films so perfectly eviscerated of middle class New Jersey. Also, he filmed parts of Happiness in Livingston, and he named the family at the heart of Storytelling the Livingstons, which seemed like a pretty overt joke considering the fate of the family. I haven’t seen his last few movies, but from what I’ve heard they are not as good. Oh well. Still, for those first three or four films (Welcome To The Dollhouse, Happiness, Storytelling, Palindromes) he’s Hall-Of-Fame worthy.
08. Artie Lange (Livingston/Union) – Born in my hometown, raised in nearby Union, Artie Lange is a definitely H.O.F.-worthy Jersey boy. Why? Not because he’s funny or anything (he can be hilarious) but because he’s a staunch supporter of the state, which is always a breath of fresh air when everyone assumes the worst about Jersey (…most of it is true, but that shit happens in the part of the state that’s closer to Philly than NYC). Have you read “Too Fat To Fish”? It’s amazing. I don’t remember the circumstances but for a while my sister would see his mom regularly. Unless of course there’s more than one “Lange” in New Jersey.
07. Glenn Danzig (Lodi) – Dude. Fucking Danzig. Blood, blood and more blood. Blood? Blood. Danzig. Blood. Punk Rock. Blood.
06. Michael Giacchino (Riverside Township) – Fuck the Grammy for “Up”, he composed the music for LOST. Which, I’ll have you know, he won an Emmy for in 2005. I saw him conduct at UCLA a few years ago and it was remarkable. I had no idea he was a Jersey boy until right now! This is some of the best news I’ve learned all week!
05. Philip Roth (Newark) – He graduated a few years before my own mom from Weequahic High School. Well, to be fair it was like 5 or 6 years earlier, so there wasn’t any chance she could have met/boned him at the time. Unless she was really, really advanced for her age. To be fair, she graduated high school AND college early (that must be where I get my intelligence from!), so she’s not an idiot. Or, at least, she’s not as big an idiot as I make her out to be on this website. Though I’d have more respect for her if she banged Philip Roth. Or what’s-his-name, the guy who died last month. Marvin Hamlisch. That guy picked her up at a bar in Vegas when she was there on vacation. She said they “kissed” but nothing more happened. Bullshit, I say. Either way, one of those guys should have sired me. I’d be rich and successful by now. Philip Roth.
04. Rudy Van Gelder (Jersey City) – The most important audio engineer in music history. Bar none. There’s a reason almost every classic jazz record has his name etched in the dead wax. From Miles to Monk to Sonny Rollins, Grant Green, Coltrane, Andrew Hill, Lee Morgan, Dolphy, Getz, Mobley, Herbie Hancock. The list is endless.
03. Laura Prepon Dyed red hair? Check. Massive cans? Check. Need I say more? Well…she could be a natural redhead. Still…not bad at all. Sure beats Jay Mohr! HAHAHAHAHAH! (Hey, has anyone seen the renovations at Verona Inn? Any Jay Mohr sightings lately?)
02. Mike Trout (Millville) – He’s only having one of the most historic rookie seasons in the history of the sport of baseball. Even if he doesn’t make the Baseball Hall-Of-Fame in Cooperstown, he’ll always have a spot here on the New Jersey Hall-Of-Fame, on a shitty blog.
01. Peter Dinklage (Morristown) – GAME OF THRONES. GAME OF FUCKING THRONES. MEOW OF THRONES. Also didn’t he play a gay wedding planner in The Baxter? HA! Do you think he’s ever imbibed at Grasshopper? I WANT TO RAISE A TANKARD OF ALE WITH TYRION LANNISTER!
Conveniently left off the list because they’re from Livingston but they suck at life: Jason Alexander, Chelsea Handler.
Conveniently left off the list because they were born in Jersey but raised elsewhere: Joe Rogan, Brian De Palma, Ice-T, Dave Thomas (co-founder of Wendy’s), and Cameron Richardson (who I saw out in Hollywood last week and she’s just as gorgeous in person as she was on that HORRIBLE TV show Harper’s Island)
Funeral Mist – Jesus Saves! [MP3]
