I know I usually save my top ten lists for Fridays, but I’m getting older. My brain doesn’t work as well as it used to. I was out last night walking Abbot Kinney with a friend last night and I thought a large, decorative rock was a couch. I think I’m getting dumber. Or maybe I’m just brain damaged? Whatever is wrong with my mental acuity…well, the point is that I’m not as sharp as I used to be. So if I want to write a list of the Top Ten Products I Unconditionally Endorse I’d better do it today. Tomorrow I might not remember it. Also…have I done this before? I’ve written a few hundred Top Ten lists during my tenure as blogger here at Swan Fungus (thanks for continually electing me, guys! It’s an honor!) and I’m bound to start repeating myself someday soon.
A long time ago (2004!) a thread started on the Electrical Audio forums called “2 Products You Unconditionally Endorse”. I was the first person to respond to the initial post (user “Gone Savage” endorsed Coca Cola and Taco Bell Gorditas), and the products I chose were “Chipotle Burritos” and “Drugs”. Seeing that today — for the first time probably in 8 years — made me wonder what has changed through the years. What products would I stamp with my seal of approval?
The Top Ten Products I Unconditionally Endorse
Honorable Mention: Eggs, Bagels, Fat Tire, Rega Turntables, Dunlop 418P (.60mm) Guitar Picks, Cholula, Onitsuka Tiger Sneakers, Buffalo Trace Kentucky Straight Bourbon, Entenmann’s Soft-Bake Chocolate Chip Cookies, Actiq by Cephalon.
10. Netflix – This one is the most traditional answer, so I’m relegating it to the basement of the list. I think we can all agree on the awesomeness of Netflix. Where else am I easily going to access entire seasons of television shows I’ve been meaning to watch, or classic films from the AFI’s list of the 100 Greatest Movies ever made? I guess HBO Go runs a close second to Netflix…but I’ve seen most of those series anyway. There’s literally nothing better in the world than when you’re home sick (or bored, or tired, or lazy) and you decide to blow through a half-dozen episodes of the Larry Sanders Show. Or Chinatown. Or chuckle at fond memories of Home Movies, or Peep Show, or Snuff Box. Netflix: It’s simply the best vehicle out there for continuing your pathetic, lazy existence.
09. Sprayaway Glass Cleaner – Every record collector has their secret formula for cleaning vinyl. This is mine. A couple little spritzes of this stuff, and a static-free, fiber-free cloth (t-shirt material works, or adult diapers if you can stomach buying adult diapers from your local CVS) and you’ve got yourself a cheap and effective solution to cleaning dirty records.
08. The Golden State Burger – Is it my absolute #1 favorite in Los Angeles? Well, you’ll have to wait until I publish my definitive list in a few weeks. For now, I’ll tell you I think it is one of the most consistent and enjoyable burgers in the city. By the numbers, I’ve had more of these than any other gourmet burger in the city, and I’ve never been disappointed. Harris Ranch beef, Fiscalini Farms cheddar, glazed applewood smoked bacon, arugula, aioli, ketchup. Always a perfect medium rare. With your choice of sweet potato wedges (with a delicious garlic aioli) or straight-cut fries (with a fiery hot habanero dipping sauce). It doesn’t hurt that the Golden State also has an incredible rotating tap list that causes cravings almost as intense as the burger. And the owner, Jason, is exceedingly nice, a jazz collector and could teach a master class in booze, if such a thing existed.
07. Panasonic Lumix DMC-LX5 – I’m not a huge camera nerd, but I do like to photograph my travels, concerts, and the boring minutiae of my everyday life. It’s hard to do all those things without a great digital (sorry, analog purists) camera. I used to use a Canon EOS Rebel DSLR, but then KT introduced me to this camera and I fell in love. She’s a professional photographer with all kinds of fancy lenses for her Nikon whatever-the-fuck, and she often tells me that she’ll use this for jobs more than her DSLR! It’s by far the best low-light camera I’ve ever owned, which makes concert photography easy and beautiful. No more trying to sneak into a show with a “professional” (looking) camera. This looks like your typical point-and-shoot but it’s so much more. And it’s cheap as shit, compared to its more-professional-looking peers. Highly recommended.
06. Mom’s Chicken Parm – For going on 15 years, my mom has been making the best Chicken Parm you’ve ever tasted. In high school it reached legendary status, as she’d make five or six pounds at a time so my friends could come over and destroy huge dishes piled high with delicious poultry and pasta. She’s got a few tricks up her sleeve — she pounds the chicken breasts until they’re ultra-thin, that’s the only secret I’ll share — that really makes it the best variation on the theme I’ve ever had. Back in middle school and high school it was, like, a “thing” to display incredible eating prowess, so I would eat a half dozen pieces of chicken and a few plates of pasta at a time. Now that I’m older, a couple pieces of chicken and a small serving of pasta are good enough for me. These days I tell my mom, “Just make sure it’s on the table within six hours of my plane landing, or I’m going to make your life a living hell.” I’m very, very well-schooled in the art of upsetting my mother. Unless she’s making chicken parm. Then she’s my best friend in the world and the only woman I’ll ever truly love. At least until dinner is over. Look at this. It’s perfect.
05. Purell – As a certfiable(y insane) germophobe, Purell is…like…my only friend. I keep it on my desk at work (and on my second desk where I sometimes work, and the third desk where I work once or twice a week). I keep it in my car. I keep it in my bedroom. Sari once gave me a keychain that had a miniature Purell dispenser on it. The tip to not over-cleaning and winding up with dermatitis is…come to think of it I have no idea how my hands aren’t covered in rashes or warts. With the amount that I Purell myself? I should be a giant inflamed skin disorder.
04. Rhodia Notebooks – How long ago did Jet recommend I start using these Notepads? Eight years ago? Ten years ago? These days almost every song or poem or story I write starts with a word or group of words or observation penned on a Rhodia 2.9″ x 4.1″ notepad. Aside from the ease of use (they fit in your pocket! 5/5 ruling!) these fancy French pads are waterproof (well, the covers are), the sheets are thick enough that ink doesn’t show on the reverse side! Also, the hipster hair salon in town sells them, so now I keep mine expertly hidden. Like in my coat pocket. Or in my car. Or on my desk. Pretty much anywhere I keep my Purell there is also a Rhodia Notebook.
03. Mario Kart Wii – I’ve blogged about this in the past. Hell, for a few years there was even a section of this website dedicated to my Mario Kart Wii League. It was complete with standings page, daily statistical updates, AP-style recaps of races, and yes — an official “beat” reporter with his own Twitter account. To say that I unconditionally endorse Mario Kart Wii would be like saying I unconditionally endorse breathing oxygen. The only downside to this product is that they haven’t released a new version — or an update or an expansion pack — since its release five or six years ago. Do you have any idea how much I would pay for 32 new courses? Even if it’s just a downloadable update or patch file? Are you listening to my Nintendo? WII, I’M STARING RIGHT AT YOU WHY ARE YOU IGNORING ME!?
02. Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups – If Harry Burnett Reese left any female heiresses that are even remotely close in age to me…you’d better watch out. I’d drag her off to my lair by the hair, caveman style. Her and all the Reese’s I could get my greedy little paws on. I put Reese’s in my salads for an extra little boost. Sometimes I blend them in with bananas to make smoothies. When I’m without heroin I’l freeze a cup, then grind it up into a fine powder and inject it.
01. Garmin Forerunner 410 (w/ HR Monitor) – I’ve fallen in love with this thing since it was gifted to me on my birthday this year. No longer having to carry around my phone to track my daily runs is one of the most liberating feelings I’ve had since I started this hobby. Plus, with the heart rate monitor I get even more accurate information about the quality of my training. Sure, I look like a tool, but I don’t care! The information the Garmin provides me with is so in depth that no iPhone app could compare to it. Plus, I got caught in a thunderstorm last week during a 9-mile run and the Garmin survived while my iPod died. So I think it is waterproof. The only problem is that sometimes (and this is once or twice in a span of 4 months, running three or four times per week) the Garmin will lose the satellite signal and I’ll be completely lost. Then, when it recaptures the signal, it’ll mess up how far I’ve gone. So 98% of the time it is the perfect running partner and trainer. I’d say that’s worthy of an unconditional endorsement.
Locrian – Triumph Of Elimination [MP3]
