Without negative comments, Swan Fungus would not exist. I keep saying it but apparently it never registers: the opinions expressed on this website are intended to elicit hatred and scorn from its audience. Maybe that’s immature, but oh well. I like to bait people and send them into a seething rage. And the Internet makes that sooooo easy. Sure I dislike Bono and Billy Corgan, but do you really think I kick and scream and whine and complain about them outside of my blog? Of course not. I don’t even think about this shit unless I have to write about it. And, of course, it’s immensely fun to piss people off.
I’ve gotten more adept at it through the years (ie. stop calling everyone “retarded” or “fag”, start expressing things slightly-more eloquently), but the formula has never really changed. Take something that’s popular with a large amount of people — or a small, rabid group of people — and make fun of it. The comments on those entries are overwhelmingly negative. They range in quality and hilarity, but I enjoy them all. It’s pure gold.
Perhaps the best-ever instance of me aiming for negative comments came this past year with the 2011 Coachella lineup review. Almost 50 people weighed in on the post, and I could re-post all the comments below as the “Best Of Negative Reader Comments” list. But that wouldn’t be fair to all my other ridiculous attempts at baiting self-conscious music fans. A few weeks later I came up with “Ten Bands I Don’t Understand” (a list where I pretended I just didn’t “get” bands based on not listening to them and insulting them) as well as a list of reasons why everyone should ignore the new Radiohead album. Throw in a few dozen negative responses to the website redesign (a conscious attempt to look more mainstream) and it’s no wonder 2011 was the most-commented year in Swan Fungus history.
Alas, to create a list made up entirely of comments from one or two popular blog entries would be to neglect the other 300+ I wrote this year! And that’s not fair. So here you go, the Best Negative Reader Comments of 2011, as decided upon by me. The guy at whom the death threats are typically directed.
The Top Ten Negative Reader Comments Of 2011
10.
“Evan’s [sic] your critique of this music is indicative of your senses inability to fully conceive this work of art. In addition, your facile list of adjectives “high, pretty voice” is a three word pathetic attempt to describe that which is beyond your comprehension. I suggest you listen to the “high pretty voice” again and re-evaluate your review. You are not worthy of providing a critique on such a perfect piece of work!” – MF – Tim Green: Music Of The Skies
– Hey, guess what, loser. I don’t even really like that Tim Green record! I just had it laying around and was waiting for a day when I didn’t have anything else to blog about to share it. The description of the music? Probably stolen from another music blog that’s written about it before. I only post my own reviews for maybe 1 out of 10 albums I share. Most of the time when I post Treasures From The Collector’s Slum it’s an exercise in publishing something quickly so I can, you know, do something in real life that’s more fun than blogging. Hell, I tag each one of those posts “Collector Scum”. That should give you an idea of what I think of the people who come here just to obtain music .
09.
“Men are supposed to be shepherds of their flock and fathers. Now, who are the emotionally crippled and who is causing the women with the fucking fuck fuck fuck all the time when a woman’s body accepts your fucking seeds and you don’t give a fuck. You’re in for it when God returns.” – debbie – The Ten Types of Emotionally Crippled Women
– I don’t even know what she’s talking about but it’s fucking hilarious and I love it. It’s like she lost her train of thought and just substituted the word “fuck” a bunch of times until a new idea came to her. It’s brilliant. Speaking of crippling women’s emotions…how about you make me a fucking sandwich you dumb fuck. Lose some weight.
08.
“You are a musically ignorant FUCK! for one god damn minute in your unmentionable life get out and explore the world. your narrow minded views on things are holding you back from experiencing some of the most greatest forms of musical genius. but what ever this wont even turn your head. so what’s the point. so hears my message to you. FUCK YOU!” – GaryGiz – In Which I Review The Entire Coachella 2011 Lineup
– Remember all that stuff I said before about picking easy targets to bait? This illustrates my point perfectly.
07.
“This is a stupid article. You are a shallow little bitch if you judge a band on a press photo/or one song/or wiki page.” – ultrayo – The Top Ten Bands I Don’t Understand
– Wait! I thought the whole point of starting a blog was so that you could judge a band based on their photo / song or Wikipedia page! I’ve been doing that since the early days. Making fun of one-sheets and bios that were e-mailed to me on a daily basis by inane label PR dufuses. A lot of these negative comments describe how I’m untalented as a writer, but those press kits and one-sheets? A fucking monkey could write those (not you, Ana, if you’re reading this — TRL is a-okay!)
06.
“All I see is another introverted, narcissist who found a false sense of entitlement through the same form of expression they so openly badmouth. The I’m an asshole/sexist/perverted/highly oppinionated douchebag approach has been done… And done… And done… We get it, you don’t like other peoples blogs. Congrats. Now, at the risk of having you write another 5 paragraph section on this response I’m going to go watch some Tosh.O the show that embodies what you so desperately seem to be striving for, and evidently does a better job at…oh, and if you do have anything better to blog about by all means, i gave you my email. I’d love to be contacted if you could ever find anything but your fascination with scatological porn and your terrible grades to blog about.” – zach – What Do People Blog About, Anyway?
– I can’t believe this blog entry is still generating responses. When I wrote it I thought it was a throwaway entry. Make fun of novice bloggers. So simple. People say that superheroes don’t exist in real life, but Zach disproves that theory. He’s here to defend the defenseless from super villains like myself. Thanks Zach. Thanks for making the world a safer place. I’m going to quit blogging now.
05.
“I bet you didn’t even drink 5 beers you bitch.” – Bick Goer – 3rd Annual IPA Festival @ Naja’s Place; Redondo Beach, CA
– Yeah. I can’t drink. It upsets my tummy. Nice try, fuckface.
04.
“This guy is a proper cunt, just straight up. “Arcade Fire – The worst band in the history of music” what the fuck are you on about you dumb fuck! I’ve seen Springsteen 3 times live, I’ve seen Arcade Fire live twice, Arcade Fire are equal to Springsteen if not better and calling them the worst band in the history of music just shows how close minded you are. If you can’t appreciate other genres of music then you shouldn’t listen to it at all you fucking retard. Don’t go dissing other music just cause you can’t do any better yourself, all the bands and artists you have dissed are out there performing to thousands of people whereas you’re crying about them on the fucking internet so looks like you can’t say shit about them cause they are obviously doing a whole lot better than you. By the sounds of it, you don’t like music at all so why bother complaining about you utter cunt. Get a fucking life, a pair of ears and enjoy music instead of being a cunt about it. Fucks like you anger me so fucking much.” – joel – In Which I Review The Entire Coachella 2011 Lineup
– The Coachella post. The gift that keeps on giving. Like the herpes Joel spreads to all the bears at his local leather bar. Springsteen was cool if you were a Gen X’er coming of age in the mid-to-late ’70s or early ’80s, but don’t most people who came of age when the Arcade Fire were gaining popularity think of Springsteen as some cloyingly sweet token of Americana? Isn’t that what he is? The musical equivalent of apple pie or the Fourth of July (With the exception of State Trooper, which is a great song)? Those preening, privileged students are fucking terrible songwriters. I’d be offended if I was Springsteen. I’d be embarrassed if I was Joel.
03.
“What a bunch of, entitlement minded, self centered, useless scum would write this shit. You must have hatched in SF.” – Name – Baby Boomers Continue to Laud Themselves Amidst Economic Depression
– Boomers write some of the best comments. They take everything so seriously. Ease up, old guy. Here. Take some rich chocolate Ovaltine and go back to bed. This website is all just a bad dream. I promise.
02.
“Real dudes don’t drink colored/flavored vodka … especially ones called “Dude.” You must love Cosmos and Espresso Martinis. Drink the straight Three Olives vodka. It’s as good as any out there. Leave the flavored vodkas to the sororities and Jersey Shore.” – carlie – Letters To No One: Three Olives
– Another person who has no understanding of my alcoholism. It’s cute, really. Carlie. You’re cute. Shit. Come over here. Be a good girl. Now how about you take this dick, you worthless cunt. You know you want it.
01.
“Evan, OMG you’re SOOOO COOL! You hate everything (which means you’re BETTER!!! YAY!!!). You have strong opinions on every genre of music and that opinion is FUCK THAT SHIT. Man, do rule or what, BRO? Some day I hope I can be just like you, a salty old, Hipster FUCK who thinks he is cool by hating new (and old) music. One question, why bother writing a music blog?” – Fred – In Which I Review The Entire Coachella 2011 Lineup
– I can almost see the vein in his forehead pulsating as he types this. Calm down, guy. It’s just a website. I’m sorry I said Cut Copy or DJ NoOne or whoever sucks. I didn’t mean it. They’re awesome. What you love is cool and popular. Your existence is justified by your flawless taste in everything. Good job. Keep it up. See you next year.
Bene Gesserit – Mickey, Please [MP3]
