Hey guys, it’s December! You know what that means — Year-End Lists! All across the Internet, bloggers as well as professional journalists are taking stock of their lives (and the lives of the people on whom they report) and using that stock to form the base of a writerly soup! Filled with commentaries and observations!
Since every other publication both print and fake-print (that’s what I call online news sources now) will be dedicating space to Year-End lists this month, I’ll do the same. Just like I do every other year. Why, you ask!? Because once Thanksgiving Dinner ends it’s the job of every writer to start expressing their nostalgia for the year gone by, annoying their readers with hindsight-enriched wistfulness, and some good old-fashioned navel-gazing. On each Friday this month, I’ll present you with a different Year-End list. If you’re an old-timer you know how this works. If you’re new here I’ll lay it out for you:
Friday December 2nd, 2011: The Top Ten Top Ten Lists of 2010
Friday December 9th, 2011: The Top Ten Negative Reader Comments Of 2011
Friday December 16th, 2011: The Top Ten Deaths Of 2011
Friday December 30th, 2011: The Top 100 Albums Of 2011
And so it has been blogged, and so it shall be. This is the order. Follow it. Or don’t. I don’t care. Just so long as you enjoy what I have to say. If you don’t, I’ll fuck your mother in her mouth and have her cook me some dinner.
The Top Ten Deaths Of 2011
10. Joanna Russ (April 29th, 2011) – The only reason I like this one is because her obituary says, “Joanna Russ, 74, American science fiction author, following a series of strokes. Does that mean that a series of strokes propelled her to a successful writing career? I mean, it kind of sucks that she had to write science fiction books, but the fact that something as debilitating as a stroke — or in this case multiple strokes — could actually improve someone’s life is very impressive. Too bad, a lot of cool deaths occurred in April. Igor Kon, the unknown Russian sexologist died. Three famous people died of cancer on the 27th alone! An evangelist died in a car crash! The American racehorse Sadler’s Wells died at the age of 30! Japanese actor Minoru Tanaka hung himself! On my birthday! And that’s just the last six days of the month!
09. Arthur Budgett, Mark Gerard (June 21st, 2011) – June 21st was a very bad day to be a racehorse trainer. Arthur (95, British) and Gerard (75, American), both died on the same day! I don’t think their deaths were related, but part of me wonders if maybe they created an across-the-Atlantic Suicide pact with one another intended to shake the world of horse-racing to its very core!
08. Ed Flesh (July 15th, 2011) – Oh man, and to think that while I was back on the East Coast banging every chick I saw, the inventor of the Wheel Of Fortune Wheel was dying obstructive pulmonary disease. Like the Wheel slowly ticking its last tick, Flesh’s ticker finally gave out, probably right as I was achieving orgasm with a chick who was way below my high standard for sexual partners.
07. Sexy Cora (January 20th, 2011) – Born Carolin Ebert, she was a German pornographic actress, model, and reality show participant. Her life was wrought with medical issues, including a 2009 hospitalization after trying to break the world record for number of blowjobs given in one day. She was trying for 200 men but stopped at 75. Two years later, in January of 2011, she suffered heart attack during breast enlargement surgery. She’d already had her tits enlarged five times prior to that operation. Turns out the doctors were charged with negligent manslaughter! No idea what that means. I guess maybe they knew it was unsafe to operate on her and they did it anyway? Whatever. Chick with big tits died trying to get her tits made bigger. Awesome. By the way, January was an insane month for deaths. Le Hoang Hung, Vietnamese investigative journalist, was burned to death by his wife. Paralympian (physically disabled) Karen Cromie committed suicide. David Kato, Ugandan Teacher and LGBT rights activist, was bludgeoned to death. Mohamed Bouazizi, a Tunisian street vendor, set himself on fire. Damn, January. You crazy.
06. Claudia “Sieg” Heill (March 31st, 2011) – That’s not really her nickname. I just like to think it was. Maybe in college she had a super-liberal friend who was open-minded enough to give her that nickname. Claudia was an Austrian judoka (not the same as Judaica, according to Wikipedia) who was best known for winning the silver medal in the half-middleweight division at the 2004 Summer Olympics. I have no idea what that means, but she was a blonde Austrian chick who competed in the Olympics so she must have been a huge slut. A huge Nazi slut! I think she killed herself? The last quote on her biography says, “Her former teammate Ludwig “van Beethoven” Paischer was stunned by her tragic death. ‘She was such a fun-loving, friendly ANAL QUEEN.” Who knows. Maybe she judo chopped herself to death. Dead Nazi bitch.
05. Noxolo Nogwaza (April 23rd, 2011) – The South African lesbian LGBT rights activist and organizer of the Ekurhuleni Pride Organising Committee was raped and murdered by assailants in KwaThema, Gauteng in an incident which was branded a “hate crime.” Sounds to me like another uppity dyke couldn’t come to terms with the fact that she secretly craved dick!
04. Samuel Wanjiru (May 15th, 2011) – This one is very close to my heart because Wanjiru was a marathoner who won a bunch of medals or broke some Olympic records or something. That’s not the part that I care about, though. On the day (or night?) of his death, Wanjiru was banging a woman. And then his wife came home. Awesome. So how did this real Kenyan hero react when his wife locked him and the woman in the bedroom and ran outside? He leapt from the balcony and died. “Police are unsure if Wanjiru intended suicide or jumped out of rage.” Sounds crazy, right? But here me out — what if the chick in bed had a tongue in the back of her vagina? What if he knew at that moment he was never going to score anyone better than that? Wouldn’t you jump, too?
03. Bad News Brown (February 11th, 2011) – How amazing is Canada. They have these celebrities — who are famous enough to warrant their own Wikipedia pages — and we never hear about them in the states. This guy, Bad News Brown, was a “Montreal-based rapper AND HARMONICA PLAYER”. Who the fuck raps and plays harmonica? Only in Canada, right? Those fucking pasty-looking, smelly, wannabe-Frenchmen would probably devour a rapper/harmonica player. Hell, there are Canadians who think the most important band in the history of Canada is the Tragically Hip. And they SUCK. And I don’t think anyone in America listens to them. So I’m not at all surprised we never heard about Bad News Brown and his battle with…someone else. Oh, wait, I think he was beaten to death. I don’t think he had a disease. Wow, that sucks. Sorry Bad News Brown! Hey, at least you lived longer than…nope, everyone else with a funny death in Februaury died after you. Swedish glamor model Rebekah Johansson died on the 23rd of an apparent suicide (quick, hire her, Suicide Girls!). Canadian fashion model (never heard of her) Michelle Monkhouse died in a road accident at nineteen. So I’ll probably never fuck her. Perry Moore (executive producer, Chronicles Of Narnia) also died of an apparent drug overdose. Albanian singer “Emmy” died at the ripe young age of 21 when her ex-boyfriend allegedly killed her with a car. I think he picked it up and dropped it on her.
02. Bob Cassilly (September 26th, 2011) – Craziest death of the year definitely goes to Cassilly. He, of course, was an A-list celebrity sculptor and museum director. He was constantly hobnobbing with other A-listers, throwing insane parties at his palatial estate in the Hollywood Hi–Webster Grove, Missouri suburbs. None of this matters, of course, because Cassilly is dead now. The Jolie-Pitts and Holmes-Cruises of the world wept salty tears of misery on an unseasonably mild September day this year, when word broke (via TMZ) that this mega-star with a name recognized by people of all shapes and sizes in all the farthest corners of the globe…died. When he fell down a hill in his bulldozer. HE DIED IN A BULLDOZER ACCIDENT. Does it get any more manly than that? I mean, seriously. If I die — and I will someday, sorry guys — I really hope it’s doing something as masculine as driving a bulldozer. Once I’m gone — and I’m sure this happened to Cassilly too — I hope every chick I ever knew would be, like, “Oh my God,I bet his dick was soooooo big. To bad I never let him stick it in my ass! He drove bulldozers? The thought of that alone is enough to creampie me.”
01. Wendy Babcock (August 9th, 2011) – This one sounds too good to be true. A woman who advocates for prostitutes rights — who’s named Babcock! — DIES in her HOME…and no one really know why!!!! Actually, I guess that last part wasn’t really that exciting. So many jokes to make about someone who advocates for whores. The downside is that she wasn’t hot. She was kind of chunky, actually, so I probably wouldn’t have fucked her if I had that chance. Although I’m sure she’d suck a mean dick, what with her being a fat chick and all…
Roy Montgomery – For The Imperiled [MP3]
