As one of the world’s foremost tastemakers (there’s me, and then there’s Rachel Zoe, and then there’s Fergus Henderson, and then there’s everyone else) people often ask me what I think about stuff. They ask me what I’m watching, what I’m reading, what I’m listening to, what I’m drinking, what I’m wearing (underage girls are especially keen on knowing that), and what I’m eating. So I decided that — this being December, the month of Year-End lists — I’d go ahead and create a crib sheet for you all. These are the mini lists I’m too lazy to transform into official Swan Fungus Top Ten lists. It should go without saying that this whole exercise is bullshit, but in case you believe I’m being genuine here, I’m making a statement about the inanity of Year-End lists. Oh yeah, and you’ll have to wait until next week for my Top 100 Albums of 2011 list. That’s just the way love goes, kids.
Also I haven’t even started formulating my list yet. FUCK! I gotta get on that.
2011’s Five Best Films
5. 13 Assassins
4. The Human Centipede 2
3. Martha Marcy May Marlene
2. Phil Ochs: There But For Fortune
1. The Tree Of Life
2011’s Five Best TV Shows
5. Louie (Season 2)
4. Boardwalk Empire (Season 2)
3. Survivor (Season 23)
2. It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia (Season 7)
1. Breaking Bad (Season 4)
2011’s Five Best Books (not necessarily published in 2011, I’m not an avid reader of new literature)
5. Long, Last, Happy by Barry Hannah
4. The Dog Of The South by Charles Portis
3. The Subject Steve by Sam Lipsyte
2. Ruhlman’s Twenty by Michael Ruhlman (it’s more than just a cookbook I swear!)
1. The Angel Esmeralda by Don DeLillo
2011’s Five Best Travel Destinations
5. Las Vegas, NV (March 2011)
4. Devil’s Punchbowl (September 2011)
3. Fuckin’ New Jersey (April, July, October 2011)
2. Savannah, GA (April 2011)
1. India (November 2011)
2011’s Five Best Spirits
5. Three Olives DUDE
4. Elijah Craig 12 Year Old Small Batch Kentucky Straight Bourbon
3. Michter’s 10 Year Old Single Barrel Straight Rye Whiskey
2. Old Monk 7 Year Old Indian Rum
1. Pappy Van Winkle 20 Year Kentucky Straight Bourbon
2011’s Five Best Drug Experiences
5. Valium/Whiskey
4. Vicodin/Beer
3. Fentanyl
2. Ecstasy/Adderall
1. Cocaine
2011’s Five Best Pub Trivia Team Names
5. It’s Not Rape If You Have A Mustache
4. DUDE In My Mouth (accompanied by shots of DUDE whenever quizmaster read our team name aloud)
3. Luck Be A Labium Tonight
2. I Have A Black Belt In Autoerotic Asphyxiation
1. Chemotherapy Before Liquor, Never Been Sicker!
2011’s Five Best Meals
5. Minetta Tavern (New York, NY)
4. Cut (Los Angeles, CA)
3. The Pindi (Jaipur, India)
2. Red O (Los Angeles, CA)
1. Blue Hill At Stone Barns (Tarrytown, NY)
2011’s Five Best Styles
5. That time I wore a fake mustache
4. Those bedazzled Jesus trucker hats
3. Vintage Reebok Pumps
2. Whatever the opposite of flannel is
1. The Evan Shirt
2011’s Five Best (or Worst? Biggest?) Missed Opportunities
5. Make one my fake Twitter accounts go viral
4. That girl from Bigfoot Lodge (thanks Ben!)
3. The October Gallery Show and the debut of Goth Brooks
2. Wegmans, every single day in NJ when I chose to eat elsewhere
1. Another threesome (I’m 28, how many more chances will I have before the lesbians start getting fat and old?)
2011’s Five Best Drunken Text Messages I Sent
5. “Only one thing is missing here: You and a giant black cock!”
4. “I got this DICK and nowhere to drunkshove it”
3. “U should be here. Making out with a bi chick all night”
2. “So not only did I forget this girls name this morning, but then I made her walk around my hood for 45 minutes bc I couldn’t remember where I parked my car”
1. “I wanna shit in your asshole then fuck it out of you. Aqfter [sic] I smother your child, of course”
The Human Beast – Maybe Someday [MP3]
