First of all, Swan Fungus wishes to send our condolences to the family of Randall Mario Poffo (ring name “Macho Man” Randy Savage). Macho Man was always my second favorite wrestler as a child (Hulk Hogan was, of course, number one). Don’t let the guido-ish Italian name fool you, Randy was actually Jewish (via his mother). I’ll never forget the time my father took my sister and I to meet Macho Man at a WWF event at the Jacob Javits Center in New York City. He signed autographs and posed for pictures with us. My father asked him how many kids he had with Miss Elizabeth (Ann Hulette). I don’t think Macho Man ever had any kids in real life, but he deadpanned his answer, “9. Plus 5 with Sensational Sherri.” My father could only respond, “Wow. You really are a Macho Man.”
So…I guess this means Macho Man was one of the chosen few? I mean…the world is going to end tomorrow, right? In that case…
The Top Ten Things To Do Before The World Ends
10. Tell Someone Off – Definitely tell somebody off if you’ve never done it before. You don’t have to if you’ve done it before, but it would still be fun. Maybe a friend or an acquaintance — maybe even a family member — has been getting on your nerves lately. Instead of trying to be the better person, be the worse person. Be the person who calls someone up on the phone out of the blue and curses them out. Tell your boss(es) what you really think of them. If you’ve already done this you know all about the euphoric rush, the wave that washes over you when you finally say what you’ve been wanting to say for days/months/weeks/years. It’s right behind drugs and sex on the list of things in life that make you feel the best.
09. Enjoy Your Final Meal – No doubt it’s going to be hard to score a good reservation right now because everybody else in the world is realizing we might all die tomorrow. But if you can squeeze yourself in — even at an off-hour — you should treat yourself to a memorable final meal. Ursawa is probably off the table, but maybe you can get a table at Yamashiro tonight. Minetta Tavern’s black label burger could be an impossible score, but you can always hit up the Shake Shack in Madison Square Park. Me? I’m going to go grab an egg and cheese sandwich on a sesame bagel. To be washed down with an ice-cold Coca Cola. See you on the other side, suckers!
08. Quit Your Job – This will provide you with the satisfaction of knowing you died a free man (or woman). You were beholden to nobody. You could provide for yourself (theoretically, if the world didn’t end). And…worst case scenario…you can always walk back into your boss’ office on Monday morning with your tail between your legs. Or pretend it was all a joke. Like George Costanza on that episode of Seinfeld.
07. Horde – Listen, if some of us are going to survive the rapture, there’s going to be great demand for certain items. Food, water, vibrating cock rings, Bentleys…pick one thing as your focus and buy it all up. Every Chipotle franchise. Every Twinkie. That way when the shit goes down and everyone’s freaking out like in Stephen King’s “The Stand,” you can be the guy who says, “Oh…you need Top Ramen? Well what if I told you I have ten lifetime supplies?” Goodbye whatever role you played in your former life, hello king of fucking chicks in the ass for 40-cent packets of Ramen!
06. One Last Buffalo Special – If you don’t have at least one girl in your list of contacts that you can call tonight to get laid, you’re probably the type of guy who thinks this whole rapture thing might not be such a bad idea. Since this is the end of the world and all, when you call her to invite her over make sure she knows it’s going to be a significant occasion. You want to treat yourself to a Buffalo Special. Call up Dominos and get a dozen or two dozen spicy buffalo wings, then make her give you a blowjob while you eat them. For optimal effect make sure you’re watching a ball game on TV. You’re going to die a happy man.
05. Commit A Crime – Okay, wait. I don’t mean “go out and commit a crime,” because I think inciting people to break the law is in and of itself against the law. So let’s not mince words here. I’m NOT telling you to break the law. What I am saying is that should you possess that weird psycho gene that compels you to think about doing bad things sometimes, now’s not a bad time to act on it. What’s the worst that could happen? You’re not going to be booked, tried, sentenced to death and executed all within the next 24 hours. It’s pretty feasible that you could commit a crime and get away with it on a technicality (the apocalypse). The closest I’ll come to committing a crime between now and the end of the world is if a certain someone calls me and offers me one last Buffalo Special.
04. Leave Some Evidence – Even if the world ends tomorrow, some people could survive. Also some non-people will definitely survive. Other human-like animals. Microorganisms. Maybe a walrus. And over the next few million years, one of those things could mutate and adapt and pretty much come to take the place of humans as the most intelligent form of life on Earth. If that’s the case, wouldn’t you want those things to know who you were and what you were all about? Grab a pen and some paper and write down your life story. Not ever detail, Thoreau, nobody in the future is going to give a shit about the touchdown you scored in a lunch-break pick-up game in 4th grade. But just in case you die tomorrow, it might not be such a bad idea to tell future generations that you lived, you were here, maybe you did something cool, and they can choose whether or not to care about it. Can paper survive a few million years? Maybe grab a stone and a sharp object. That might work better. Or better yet, create a blog.
03. Do Something That Terrifies You – Ooooh, this is a good one. Aren’t you scared of skydiving? Or public speaking? Or bees? Fuck it. You’re going to die tomorrow anyway. Challenge yourself. Jump out of an airplane, give a speech, or swat down a bees nest. The best things about doing something that terrifies you is that If the world doesn’t end you can brag about it. That’s why tonight before I go out I’m going to eat something dipped in ranch dressing. Nothing in this world scares me more. I can’t wait to brag about that shit to all my friends if we all don’t die tomorrow.
02. Hate-Fuck Somebody – Maybe a Buffalo Special isn’t enough for you. Maybe you want to make things personal. Call up a person who you used and abused in the past (or vice versa) and hate-fuck them. Someone you now despise. Someone you want to seek revenge against. By the way I think I should point out that hate-fucking is NOT rape. Hell, it can be mutually agreed upon by both parties. The intent is to eschew making love for channeling all your inner rage and resentment towards someone and plowing it into them. Call them names. Be exceedingly rough (no blood = failure). I pretty much exhausted the (short!) list of girls in my life I needed to hate-fuck by the time I graduated college, but that doesn’t mean you can’t do it now. Shit. I should’ve paced myself better.
01. Embrace And Enjoy It – We’re all going to die. Eventually. One of you reading this might actually die tomorrow for reasons completely unrelated to this end of the world bullshit. And although none of us really know what’s going to happen tomorrow (that’s a lie, we all know nothing is going to happen), it shouldn’t prevent any of us from going out and having fun tonight. I know it’s totally cliche, but the expression “live each day as if its your last” is the recipe for leading a joyous and rewarding life. If you’re happiest sitting in front of a TV watching “The Event,” by all means do that. If you’re happiest blacking out and throwing up in an alleyway, do that. But don’t sit around and do nothing because you fear death. And don’t go crazy just because you think the world might end tomorrow. Do the things you love whenever you want to. Whenever you can. Every day, if possible. You’ll live happily. You’ll live stress-free. Your friends will feed off your energy and feel just as great by being in your presence. No one knows how long we’re here for, so enjoy it. Embrace it. Love it.
The New Year – The End’s Not Near
Muse – Apocalypse Please
