At least one wise man — or maybe scores of wise men — once said that music is not your friend in the immediate aftermath of a negative life-changing event. I don’t know who said that (Thomas Hobbes? Kierkegaard? Sirhan Sirhan?) but he made a good point. Pretty much every song ever penned was done so to remind us of our pain. Deliberately or subconsciously. Our brains are so powerful that seemingly inconsequential melodies or even familiar strings of words instinctively cause synapses to fire and memories to play out behind our eyes. And those memories can really suck sometimes.
Two days after the split one of my co-workers innocently cued up Emmylou Harris’ “Heartaches And Highways”. He knew about my precarious mental state but I can’t blame him for letting it slip his mind. The first song on that album is her cover of Love Hurts with Gram Parsons. I was in the middle of helping a customer and as soon as I heard her voice I began to sob. It was perfect in an utterly macabre way. My boss quickly realized what was happening and fast-forwarded to the next track. The second song on that album is Boulder To Birmingham. It starts with the line, “I don’t want to hear a love song…” and I could do no more than close my eyes and sigh. In hindsight I find that moment to be priceless. I was that guy. I fucking hated all music.
That first weekend was like fighting a war. Once I left for New Jersey everything shifted. I realized I could listen to loud music like Shellac, Six Finger Satellite, Didjits, and Harvey Milk at first. Because what loving memories are going to be evoked by those songs? It took longer to reincorporate other forms of music. My ability to listen to music objectively without drawing connections to my past has strengthened as I’ve worked to shatter the illusion that a single thing in this world can in fact be my whole world. I think acknowledging that simple premise was the most significant moment of my grieving process.
Yesterday I shared a list of warm weather albums with you. In doing so I got sidetracked and started charting what I’ve listened to since I compiled my last mix tape (February 20th, 2011). And, duh, it spawned the idea for tonight’s mix tape. So here’s the best approximation of all the different music I’ve been listening to during the last month. The first month. It’s not perfectly chronological because my memory sucks. Hopefully you’ll get the idea.
Sunday Mix Tape – Number 214
The First Month
01. The Jesus Lizard – Seasick
02. Chavez – The Guard Attacks – As I stated in yesterday’s post, Chavez (and more specifically Ride The Fader) has been a near-constant companion for the past month. At full volume. Only at full volume. Whereas before I simply liked this album, I can now say I adore every facet of it. Just don’t make any jokes about the “your uncertain age gives me the shakes” line.
03. Pinebender – The Last Drag Queen
04. Call Me Lightning – Billion Eyes
05. Gin Blossoms – Found Out About You – One of my co-workers put this on as a lark a few days before I left for Jersey and it warmed my heart to hear so many familiar songs from my youth. Since then I’ve heard the song again twice (once in the car on the way to Savannah and once last week at the laundromat) and each time I’ve smiled and caught myself singing along. This isn’t me being ironic, I really like it. When that first overdriven C chord introduces the pre-chorus…it gets me every time.
06. Lykke Li – I Follow Rivers – Fucking car radio in Savannah had no redeeming qualities to it other than the fact that there was one college radio station nearby. That was the only chance I had to hear something even marginally resembling the kind of music I like. And that station played the same songs on rotation for three days. So I heard I Follow Rivers maybe…six or eight times? And I thought it was good. I have a split 7″ Lykke Li did with El Perro Del Mar but I never paid too much attention to her side. When I came back to LA I found a copy of Wounded Rhymes in the store and I played it all the way through. It’s really good, except for that “Sadness is my boyfriend” song. I like to make up my own words to the chorus: “Sadness is a blessing / Sadness is a pearl / Sadness is my boyfriend / Eating out some other girl”.
07. Cass McCombes – The Lonely Doll
08. The Books – Beautiful People – I finally picked up the most recent album by the Books on Record Store Day. I’ve worn out my copies of “The Lemon Of Pink” and “Thought For Food” but waited to obtain this one. Not as awesome as those two, but still a great record.
09. Big Star – Take Care – Have you guys heard the “test pressing edition” that came out for Record Store Day? I didn’t want to take the time to rip my copy (by the way — really?) but this track more than any other on the album stood out to me. If you can find a rip of the test pressing, it’s definitely worth hearing.
10. Lorez Alexandria – I’m Wishin’
11. Hum – I’d Like Your Hair Long
12. Slowdive – Blue Skied An’ Clear – Laying out in the sun on a perfect afternoon with a good book and this filtering in the space between your ears. Yes, yes, yes. So good.
13. Spiritualized – I Gotta Fire
14. Talk Talk – Ascension Day
15. Ennio Morricone – The Ecstasy Of Gold – Like I said yesterday, if I’m feeling good I like to try my hand at belting all the operatic vocals. Well…until my voice tires out. I don’t have the best control of my voice. It’s pretty funny to hear though. This is my power jam. I play it on repeat to pump myself up. Yes, I know it’s Metallica’s power jam too. But I’m not going to diss this song or pretend I hate it just because they’ve co-opted it. It’s one of the finest pieces of film music ever recorded! We should all be so in love with it as to adopt it as our own personal anthem.
