A few days ago my favorite website The Frisky ran an article entitled 10 Bad News Dudes I Shouldn’t Be Attracted To. The premise was that the author, Amelia McDonell-Parry, would list a number of men that society would ordinarily deem as unattractive. Perhaps it is a physical unattractiveness, or maybe a mental or emotional unattractiveness, but either way no ordinary person would ever really want someone with those qualities. And yet for some reason there’s an underlying feeling of hotness or intrigue that takes hold when you flirt with what is taboo.
For example: Amelia cited another website’s list which included Fidel Castro, and the description of him was, “In real life were we to ever meet, I would try to kill him. However, my techniques for murder would definitely include seduction first. Just look at that f**king beard.” For her own list, Amelia included television character Tony Soprano and the lead male avatar from Avatar. In other words, she does not discriminate against fat Italian slobs or blue aliens. I was more than a little upset that I didn’t make her list of ten dudes she shouldn’t be attracted to.
Then I started thinking about it, and I realized that I could come up with a pretty sweet list of ten chicks I shouldn’t be attracted to. After five minutes I had a list that was 25 people deep, and then I remembered that I probably shouldn’t just list every under-18 celebrity I can think of off the top of my head. Plus there wasn’t even one redeeming quality to Miley Cyrus that I could think of, other than it has a vagina. I don’t want to be labeled a pedophile or anything. I don’t care how hot underaged girls are these days. And they are hot. Really hot. There had to be more to it than just writing about underaged girls…right?
10 Bad News Chicks I Shouldn’t Be Attracted To
10. Katherine Knight – Okay, so I’m not at all physically attracted to Miss Knight, but there’s something about being the first Australian-born woman to be sentenced to life in prison without parole that’s kind of hot. So maybe she stabbed her husband 37 times, skinned him and hung the skin from a hook inside their home, “decapitated him and cooked parts of his body, serving up the meat with baked potato, pumpkin, zucchini, cabbage, yellow squash and gravy in two settings at the dinner table, along with notes beside each plate, each having the name of one of [his] children on it; she was preparing to serve his body parts to his children.” At least she had the decency to have sex with him one last time before killing him.
09. Amy Winehouse – This is a psychological choice, because I’m the type of person who thinks they can “fix” broken women, and also as a Jewish male raised by a Jewish mother there will always be a part of me that feels guilty about not bringing a Jewish girl home to mom. Plus, she can sing like a fucking nightingale. I don’t care that she’s a drug addict. Hell, she can probably score me plenty of really great downers. And uppers, too. Definitely downers, though. Those are my favorite. And who cares about physical attractiveness when you’re high, am I right?
08. Kelly Bundy (Christina Applegate) – Married… with Children was one of the few television programs I watched when it originally aired (I grew up in a pretty staunch no-TV home), and from a very early age I was indelibly smitten with Kelly Bundy. She was a bad girl, she liked bad guys (which I was most definitely not) and she was smoking hot. Plus, she was always in high school and with each passing year I was closer to high school…so it seemed like it was only a matter of time until we met. My first few girlfriends in middle school and some girls I hooked up with early in high school were more aligned with the Kelly Bundy type than the nice girl my mother always hoped I would bring home. Also, they were all dumb like Kelly Bundy, but none of them were blond.
07. Bree Olson – I heard about Bree on the Howard Stern show recently during the “World’s Biggest Whore” competition. She described her career as a feature/private dancer at strip clubs as fun because “I just ended up having sex with all of [the customers]…and then I have impregnation fantasies so I let them all cum inside me.” She also said she has slept with as many as 30 guys in a day, solicits sex on Twitter, and has knowingly flown on an airplane with cum on her face. She told some of the most degrading stories ever, she won the biggest whore competition, and I was somehow attracted to it all. Now I sometimes check on her Twitter to see what she’s up to.
06. Sarah Roemer – I always promised myself that I would marry a woman with class, a woman with some discernible talent, who was worldly enough to pitch in and help support a family, and with whom I could talk to about anything. Sarah Roemer is none of those things. If you’ve watched Sarah “act” on NBC’s The Event you already know that she has no discernible talent, and is quite likely dumber than most high-functioning mentally handicapped children. One could infer that she is classless because she hasn’t quit The Event yet (televisions worst show, ever). That just leaves talking about stuff and money. I doubt a mumble-mouth blonde model and I would ever have anything to talk about, and although she probably makes good money acting on a prime-time television show, it’s almost like blood money because she’s being paid to work on The Event. Even for all her foibles, there’s something kind of hot about her. Come to think of it, maybe I just want to fuck her because it would mean I could get close enough to tell her how much she sucks as an actress.
05. Claire Robinson – The first time I heard Claire Robinson speak on The Best Thing I Ever Ate I was not near the TV, so I yelled at Nicci “Who’s that guy!?” It turned out to be a girl. Whoops! She’s cute, and she eats like a dude — which is really hot — but she also talks like a dude, and her laugh is too deep to be a girl’s laugh. But she could cook for me, and maybe if we’ve both got Shake Shack burgers crammed into our mouths her moans of passion wouldn’t make my neighbors and roommates think I’m gay. Or maybe the booming bass of her voice grunting with a Shack burger stuffed down her throat might sound even more like a man. Oh well.
04. Ana Lucia Cortes (Michelle Rodriguez) – In the battle for LOSTs baddest girl, I think Ana Lucia wins out over Simon’s favorite, Kate Austen (Evangeline Lilly). Plus, Kate (spoiler alert!) turned all “mom” later in the series, whereas Ana Lucia (spoiler alert!) went out in a blaze of gun-glory. She fought hard, she probably fucked hard, and Michelle Rodriguez was arrested for assault, hit and run, and multiple DUIs, meaning she’s the very definition of a bad girl. Also, Evangeline Lilly is Canadian, and I hear Canadian girls are “eh” in the sack. Except for Gail Simmons. Gail Simmons probably fucks like a filthy porn star. Filthier than Bree Olsen.
03. The Staff Of The Frisky – Bad writing and lazy journalism are two qualities that I, as an elite blogger, find deplorable. And yet, every time I lay my eyes on an article by Judy McGuire or Jessica Wakeman or the late Wendy Atterberry (who has since moved on and started her own website), I am so attracted to those women. I just want to hate fuck them until their brains are scrambled. Then maybe they could re-learn basic life skills (and some journalism skills), and I wouldn’t have to pick on them all the time.
02. Willow Palin – A ha! At first some of you thought you were going to see Sarah Palin on this list. But others knew I would be too smart for such an easy choice. So you thought you were going to see Bristol Palin on this list. But you were wrong! She’s got a child already, that pussy is totally blown out by now. I’m talking about Willow Palin, the sixteen or seventeen year old daughter whose actual birthday I don’t even care enough to look up. That’s the one I want to defile. You can have your Disney Channel starlets and Gossip Girls, the underaged bad girl I want most is the daughter of the most evil woman on the planet. Yes, more evil than that Australian woman I just wrote about.
01. Gail Simmons – Now, I know what you’re thinking. “Gail Simmons isn’t unattractive, Evan. She doesn’t have any stigma about her, nor is she regarded as unpleasant, cruel or disgusting by any current scientific model.” You’re absolutely right. What makes Gail Simmons “Bad News” is that if she finally listens to the words that I blog (or Tweet at her constantly) and let’s me “slip inside her house” so-to-speak, it would destroy the very fabric of my being. I would have no great unattainable goal to chase. My white whale (hey — watch those fat jokes, assholes!) would disappear forever. Not to mention Nicci would probably be really mad at me. That’s right, Gail Simmons is bad news. And yet, ironically, furiously rubbing my penis between her perfect breasts would be so, so good.
[Image courtesy of Flickr]
