2010, your end is nigh. There are but four Fridays this December, and each one has to be dedicated to a Year-End list. Why? Because that’s what every mag, ‘zine and rag on the face of the planet does starting the moment Thanksgiving dinner ends. Why should I defy publishing norms? Across all forms of media, this month is filled with cloying fits of nostalgia, hindsight-enriched wistfulness, and even some good-old-fashioned navel-gazing. On each Friday in December, Swan Fungus will present a new Year-End list. If you are an old-timer, you know how this works. If you’re new, let me lay it out for you.
Friday December 3rd, 2010: The Top Ten Top Ten Lists of 2010
Friday December 10th, 2010: The Top Ten Negative Reader Comments Of 2010
Friday December 17th, 2010: The Top Ten Deaths Of 2010
Friday December 31st, 2010: The Top 100 Albums Of 2010
Wow. Folks. Swan Fungus readers were definitely not shy this year. Over 900 total comments were left between January 1st and today. I think that makes 2010 the most-commented year in this website’s five-year existence. So, thanks for that! Of course, maybe the increase in comments is a direct result of my annual “Top Ten Negative Reader Comments” list. Could it be that 450 of those 900 comments are people calling me a fag? I won’t know until I read them all and highlight the 10 most negative of the bunch.
[9 hours later]
What the fuck is wrong with you people? I had to struggle to find ten negative reader comments. Out of 900. Have you all gone soft? Could it be that you’re finally starting to see things my way? I don’t know why you didn’t act more hateful towards me, but I’m offended. I should be offended that you left any negative comments on the blog at all, but I’m way more offended that you couldn’t find more to complain about this year. For shame, readers. FOR SHAME.
The Top Ten Negative Reader Comments Of 2010
Honorable Mention:
“Thanks for ignoring my 1st comment, Evan, i won’t bother again. And the batch with goodies i had prepared for you will be shelved again. Ciao.” – Viagra Falls on Jerry Solomon Through The Woods
It’s not a funny comment, but it was one of the most upsetting. Mr. Viagra Falls was a valued reader and respected music fan who turned me on to a ton of new music. Unfortunately, his dubious moniker, Viagra Falls, became more-frequently caught in my spam filter, and he got the impression I was ignoring him. I hope he realizes that this was not intentional, and I miss his contributions to Treasures From The Collector’s Slum.
10.
“Umm, yeah. Peggy is the author of several very well-received books. You could learn a lot from her, but since you are such a dismissive putz, carry on with your superior blog.” – Nobody you know, nor will I return on What Do People Blog About Anyway?
This one was pretty funny because I think if anything I spend more time writing about how I am a person of inferior ability than one of superior ability. There was a great little comment war that ensued following this post, where someone chided the commenter for using the word “putz” and the person who supposedly was never going to ever return to the website returned thinking it was me who had further insulted Peggy. Good times.
09.
“Neutral Milk Hotel rocks, fuckface! U obviously have no taste in good music. Do you listen to “Now that’s what I call Music!” everyday or what? fuck’n douche… – fuck you on Say Hello To The New Swan Fungus
A two-year old post making fun of Entertainment Weekly’s list of the 25 best “indie” records warranted this comment. I made fun of Interpol and Radiohead, but said that I wouldn’t touch Neutral Milk Hotel because In The Aeroplane Over The Sea would be on my list too. fuck you clearly can’t read. Also, had fuck you chosen to look at the end of the blog post (Karp, Scissor Girls Killdozer, Starfuckers) he or she would hear nary an artist featured on a Now That’s What I Call Music compilation.
08.
“Ha, you’re criticizing someone for being an ostentatious douche? WHy not tell us more about limp-wristed beers, overpriced caramel avocado hamburgers and the latest piece of electroclash fuzz karaoke record?” – Deke on Bono Chimes In With A Top Ten List
Ah yes, the old “beer and hamburgers are ostentatious” debate rages on! Had I known that getting drunk and eating bacon cheeseburgers was so hoity-toity I would never again brag about my extravagant lifestyle. I think it’s equally funny that a few months later I reviewed a hamburger from a local gastropub and one commenter wrote, “Hamburgers are for kids. Eat some proper food.” My own detractors can’t even agree on hamburgers. Are they for children or pretentious assholes?
07.
“Bono breathes oxygen. Please tell the world when you stop doing that. You seem to be really angry about Bono for some reason. Get over him, I’m sure the breakup was hard, but you’ll learn to love again. Meanwhile, here’s hoping that your future blog entries are less full of pretentious crap than this one.” – Brian Lynchehaun on Bono Chimes In WIth A Top Ten List
How am I supposed to tell the world when I stop breathing oxygen? Won’t I be dead? This comment reads like it was written by a high school student. “I’m sure the breakup was hard, but you’ll learn to love again” is the kind of tongue-in-cheek thinly-veiled gay insult I might have hurled at someone when I was sixteen…but, come on, Brian, you could be so much more inventive! I You won’t though. I can tell that you’re clinically retarded. will never, ever understand the argument that some people make whereby making fun of Bono for being a pretentious douche I am somehow the real pretentious douche. Of all the annoying celebrities in the entire world, nobody has a bigger ego than Bono. Except for me, apparently.
06.
Evan is it? Why don’t you just come out of the closet lil buddy. God forbid people get out of their house and be creative. Let me guess you still live with your parents and you have no creative talent and are jealous of people who do, am I right? Next time you rip people who create art or music post a link where we can hear the music YOU have made or the art YOU have done. Oh that’s right you would rather hide behide a computer, fucking tool.” – [redacted] on Billy Corgan, Kim Gordon & More: The Weak In “Indie” Rock
Wait a minute — I don’t remember writing that comment! It must be…an impostor! Nice one, idiot. Very clever. The most negative comments usually stem from posts about the “indie” scene. Because those kids are so thin-skinned and image-conscious, I suppose. The moment someone speaks up and calls Arcade Fire Bruce Springsteen, or Vampire Weekend Haircut 100, the fauxhemian army will descend upon you like a swarm of locusts. Locusts with asymmetrical haircuts. Way to nail me on the whole living with my parents thing. Finally, the secret is out! Also, check the archives. I think I’ve probably posted hundreds of hours of original music I’ve recorded in the past five years, and dozens of free-writes, poems, short stories and more academic writing pieces. I hide “behide” nothing. Where’s YOUR music and YOUR art, smartass?
05.
“Oh waaagggghhh. Another whining sniveling wannabe. The boomers left such a mess. The mess made to cater to your wants and needs. Grow some balls and do something if you don’t like the way things are. Oh no, you’re from that other generation: whine, complain, me me me…. Younger generation isn’t having sex…too busy txting or blogging about it. The boomers didn’t talk, they did and still do….such envy. hahahahahahha And older men date younger women…whats your point. Woman of a certain age are such shrews…and actually think young men desire them. Hell some cougar wants to put out, go for it…” – andrea on Boomer Sex: The Very Worst Kind Of Sex
Anti-Baby Boomer posts receive a lot of comments, too. Trust me andrea, I don’t want to be a Boomer. You know you’re going to die soon, right? Why would I want to be hated (not envied) by every subsequent generation and close to death? That doesn’t sound like a very fun life. I love the hypocrisy here, as andrea calls somebody else self-centered. Because “me me me” isn’t the most common insult hurled at Baby Boomers. That whole part at the end there about men and women is a mess. I think it’s a comment about dating norms, but I can’t be certain. It was written by a retard.
04.
“you dodo on your on yourself?” – hhjjfjghjfd1gjfdg111 on Everyone Bono Touches Turns To Turds
I don’t know why, but this one makes me laugh out loud every time I read it. It’s all about the delivery. Say it aloud a few times.
03.
“Let me get this straight: LOST is monumental, but Dylan is overrated. You’re a twit who can’t take criticism and is so desperate for readers that he bitches about it every other post. My blog is 70 times better than yours, I have no readers either, but I don’t fucking complain about it like a cunt. There, I said it, and you had it coming.” – The Warden on Repost: A Very Special LOST Sunday Mix Tape
I wasn’t aware that I blog about how desperate I am for readers. Folks, if this is true, by all means let me know and I’ll stop. As for the rest of the comment, I think Hornet Montana summed up my feelings with this pointed response: “We have purchased wardensworld.com. It will soon be a place of criticism, of superiority to other sites (by a factor of 70) and of an absence of readers.”
02.
“I think to actually take the time to tell other people what you think is pathetic IS pathetic. To actually think and compile a list is very lame YOU my friend are pathetic. Who gives a fuck if people eat or go places alone, i Know you will end up going to the cinema and eating alone if you carry on writing jargon like this. Why does the world have to follow a set of rules, actions or lifestyles on the say so of others? These people in the list are not the pathetic ones they are people that are not afraid to eat “shit” food or listen to “shit” music these people live their lives according to what they want to do and not some spotty geek’s blog on the internet. Btw I am confident you are not going to become an award winning writer or do anything academic at all. Your spelling is pants! You have no imagination either.” Anonymous on The Top Ten Signs Your Life Has Become Pathetic
For someone who mocks a blogger’s spelling, your grammar is ATROSHISS! And…jargon? Really? Are you sure that’s the word you were looking for? Maybe I’m just naive, but how can spelling — which is a process or activity — be pants? Are you telling me I have the power to turn something abstract into something tangible? That’s awesome! Oh, and you’re an idiot. This is a blog. It’s not an academic journal. Go read Harper’s if you want award winning writing.
01. What would Swan Fungus’ comments section be without my most vocal antagonist, the nameless guy from the UK who leaves a comment every single day trying to call me gay. I still don’t know your name, but I want to! I want to send you a free shirt with my face on it, guy. I want to send you a “Thank You” package filled with toys and music and stuff for all that laughs you’ve provided me with this year. As best I can tell, you’ve left at least 50 comments from two different IP addresses, and most of them are hilarious (And, by the way, because I can see your different IP addresses I can see that, while you make fun of my LOST posts, you at one point shared a pointed, personal take on the finale. How interesting…). Positive or negative, you’re being honest, and I respect that. Thanks, anonymous reader. Here are some of my favorite negative comments of yours from the last twelve months.
– “You Need to get a life chap.”
– “You poof.”
– “‘Felt like a true douchebag for the first time in my life.’ Oh come on…”
– “who gives a shit about gail simians you yank faggot”
– “Ok, you’re gay, we get it.”
– “I always knew you were a bentshot you nonce”
– “‘Man Date’ …… yes ….. right. Time you came out, fella.”
– “Skinny ugly little fucker aren’t you?”
– “This blog couldn’t get more gay even if you called it Gay Blog and posted lots of pictures of gays doing gay things with each other”
A Tribe Called Quest – Public Enemy
Joy Division – No Love Lost
Teenage Fanclub – It’s A Bad World
