I hope you have arisen from your food comas and have come to this website in search of good humor. Because that’s what I plan to ejaculate into your eyes today as I prepare my annual “What’s Evan Thankful For?” list. If you’re wondering how my Thanksgiving holiday went, don’t bother. It started with a late-night drinking session with Pat and Nate on Wednesday at some East Side dive bars, and continued early Thursday morning with more booze and football. The booze propelled me through the day and — in the company of some friends — guided me safely into one of the most festive dinners one could imagine. I cooked two dishes for the occasion. One turned out decently, the other turned out terribly. Who knew different kinds of potatoes have to be baked for different lengths of time! I mean, they’re all potatoes, right? Why shouldn’t I be able to cook a Russet like how I cook a Yukon Gold like how I cook a Pacific Gold? Oh well…there’s always next year.
See, this is why I need to find Gail Simmons, abduct her, and keep her tied up in my apartment while I ritualistically sodomize her and force her at dick-point to cook for me. I bet Gail knows all there is to know about cooking potatoes. She probably cooks them all the time. She kind of looked like a potato in some episodes of Top Chef: Just Desserts. They didn’t dress her to my liking. She should have been nude, shoving rolling pins up her ass or piping vanilla icing into he pussy. And they could have filmed it on a webcam, and beamed it straight into my bedroom…
Hey, how about that list I promised you?
The Top Ten Things I’m Thankful For (2010 Edition)
10. Friends, Family, Nicci, Whatever – I might as well get this one out of the way as quickly as possible. I guess I’m happy to have a good support system for all those moments when I come careening across someone’s yard in my car at four o’clock in the morning, stinking of booze and vomit, screaming about how I’m “really going to end it all this time.” Yeah, you guys are alright. Friends, you pick up a round of drinks or invite me places to do things. Family, you always offer to help when I fuck something up, and you always understand that “I need a new job” is really a code for “Can you send me fifty bucks?” Nicci, you still haven’t wised up and found someone else. Thanks! Everyone else I’m forgetting, you’re cool too.
09. The Frisky – I’m actually kind of nervous to look at how many posts I wrote this year complaining about some dumb thing a stupid cunt who writes for The Frisky said on their website. It’s got to be close to fifty, doesn’t it? For a while I was making fun of them on a weekly basis. Maybe even twice a week! Do you know how much free advertising I’ve given them by linking to their stupid articles for women who can’t function? A lot. My point is, I’m really thankful that The Frisky exists so that I can exploit it. I’m thankful to Amelia McDonghuffing-pansy for inviting me to party with her and her co-workers when I visited last month. I’m thankful that they paid me to write an article for them recently. Stay classy, ladies.
08. Interviews! – I’ve had a fun time interviewing some new folks in the past few months. In fact, 2010 saw a slew of new and exciting interviews with both popular musicians (like Nate from U.S. Christmas), sadly-overlooked “indie” luminaries (like Kera from the band Diaper), and two amazing cult legends (Sue Randall (Akins) from Hendrickson Road House and Bill Holt of Dreamies fame). I also interviewed the amazing William Fowler Collins for a second time, and helped bring some publicity to the “Dip Vid” community with my interview of MassDIPPAH. Was 2010 a big year for Dip Vids? I think we all saw that South Park NASCAR episode…One million thank you’s to everyone I interviewed this year. Here’s hoping 2011 is just as bountiful.
07. Alcohol (See: Massive Quantities Of) – Uh…I drank a lot this year. I don’t know if I’m really thankful for it so much as I am thankful that I’ve reached the end of 2010 in relatively good health. Minus the endoscopy, the blackouts and the vomit, it was a pretty good year! I drank a ton of new beers, tried a slew of fancy (and some not fancy) bourbons, and most of the time I was in the company of good people, so it was socially acceptable. I refuse to comment on the amount of booze I drank by myself, in my room, listening to records and crying. I try to share just about everything with you on this website, but even I have my limits.
06. NBC’s The Event – The Worst Show In The History of Television (just look at those comments!) is still going strong, losing about a half-million viewers every week and inspiring haters to create petitions aimed at canceling the most annoying hour in television. Not only am I thankful to have something awful to laugh at on a weekly basis, I’m thankful that it’s given me yet another reason to imbibe. If you haven’t played The Event drinking game yet, you haven’t gotten really, really drunk. Trust me.
05. Weird Travel Opportunities – 2010 was a good year for me to get out and drive or fly places. I got to spend almost two weeks in the New York/New Jersey area with old friends, new friends and family. Afternoons in Joshua Tree are one of my favorite ways to just bliss-out and enjoy life. I saw Paramount Ranch for the first time. Ken, KT and I drove down to San Diego to see the Mets lose to the Padres on a walk-off homerun by Adrian Gonzales. A big group of friends went to see a Red Sox game in Anaheim. I drove around San Dimas on a search for landmarks from Bill And Ted’s Excellent Adventure. So may mystery drives, so little time…I guess I should be most thankful for my car, but that’s only part of traveling. 2011 is going to be an even better travel year for me. I’ve got a trip to the Deep South as well as big international travel plans scheduled for the next twelve months.
04. Foodstuffs – I’ve eaten well this year. Well enough that I decided to start exercising again so that I don’t become a pathetic fat-ass. I’ve also received some high praise for my admittedly novice food blogging. One of the coolest gastropubs in LA, Lucky Devils, featured my review of their beer-n-burger joint on their website for months. The COO of a Hollywood eatery wrote me a very cool note thanking me for the kind words I shared about her establishment. More than that, I just ate and drank at some really cool places. I went to a Dogfish Head tasting at a fancy steakhouse downtown. I found the most amazing draught beer selection of all time at a sandwich shop way out in the SGV. I finally got around to eating at Mozza, Street, and a slew of other renowned LA restaurants. Oh, and who could forget the lunch with the LA food blogger where we were invited to witness the cooking process of one of LA’s best burgers at Comme Ça? Thanks, food! You taste good!
03. Senator Ted Stevens – The late Senator Ted Stevens deserves thanks for his inspiring me to craft one of the all-time bad-humor trivia team names. The day after he died we showed up to Trivia Night and dubbed ourselves, “Crash & Burn Like Senator Ted Stevens.” No one was amused. Our name changed with each passing round to reflect the further decomposition of the man’s body. People became irate. It was a hoot. Of course, Senator Ted Stevens is but one horrible Trivia Night team name I’ve used this year. I’m so thankful for Trivia Night. It gives me an outlet to show people I possess more smarts than I’m given credit for, and it usually (here I go again…) provides me with yet another reason to get drunk.
02. George Steinbrenner Died – Ha ha! Yankees suck!
01. Flat Conner – The best part of 2010 for me was meeting and befriending Flat Connor. You remember him, right? He was just a little guy from the midwest who came to LA and wanted to see the sights. He was only supposed to stay a day or two, but we really hit it off and wound up spending quite a bit of time together. Until that fateful night when Conner disappeared, I wouldn’t hesitate to say my days with him were some of the best of my life. I still think about Conner every day. I think about Conner and I think about the motherfuckers who kidnapped him, and it makes me want to cry. I don’t cry, though, because I’m a real man. Still, I know he’s out there, somewhere, fighting for his life and thinking right back about me. Sigh…I love you Flat Conner. I miss you. I’ll find you. I’ll fucking find you.
Jackie Wilson – Baby Workout
Hum – Space Fuck
J.J. Cale – You Keep Me Hangin’ On
