All women are crippled. Some of them are literally crippled (no arms, dead legs, etc.) but even those poor creatures still have annoying female emotional issues. My old boss used to approach me on a daily basis and talk about why women were evil and stupid. Maybe, after five or six years of having the same conversation, it began to stick. He used to say, “Emotions are completely unnecessary to function healthily. They are just a report card for how your brain is doing.” He said, “Only women talk about feelings, because they are visceral and intuitive, and men do not talk about feelings because we are logical and rational.” I wonder how he would react if I e-mailed him a copy of that article The Frisky published earlier this week describing the ten types of emotionally crippled men. He’d probably laugh, or maybe he’d make a comment about how men these days are “soft” because TV advertisements are turning them gay. That was another conversation he used to try to start with me all the time. The point is…women are all emotionally crippled, so let’s try to at least categorize them into ten types to better understand how they are crippled.
Describing types of women is nothing new for Swan Fungus. If you’ve read this website since the beginning (and I think only Marika has done that!) you’ve seen plenty of screeds about different personality types or behavioral types. For example, there was the “Five Personality Types You Need To Meet” and The Top Ten Reasons Why Girls Are Insecure. Oh well…I’ll try to make this one slightly different from all the other ones.
The Ten Types Of Emotionally Crippled Women
10. The Over-Parented Jew – I’ve definitely had some run-ins with this type before. Her parents were strict, they guilted her into being super-uptight about everything, and she’ll be frustrating men with her neuroses and conservative behavior until the day she dies. Her cousin is the annoying Catholic, who played it safe throughout her adolescent and teenage years, then suddenly found things like sex and drugs and alcohol to be the most amazing revelations ever. I’d tell you what kind of guy the Over-Parented Jew wants, but they’ll pretty much take any guy who can stand being in a room with them for more than ten minutes without having suicidal thoughts. The Over-Parented Jew really just wants another Jew. The Catholic will take anything she can get.
09. The Used-To-Be Fat Chick – Just because some broad is skinny now doesn’t mean she’s repressed all her fat girl problems. On the contrary, my friend, the fat insecurities have spread — like an emotional cancer — and now she’s uptight and insecure about every facet of her physical appearance and personality. Her problems letting go of her fat self are so intense that, even as a skinny girl, she will still see herself as being fat. This pretty much means you can never joke with her about anything, because in her mind you will only be calling her fat, no matter what you say to her. She’s mostly looking for a fat guy, because that way if she ever loses control and gets fat again, a fat guy won’t leave her.
08. Bubble-Wrap Princess – Fragile. Handle with extreme care. This type has gone by many names before, “The Crier,” “The Weeper,” pretty much any girl who is too thin-skinned. She cries…all the time. Movies, pictures of small animals, an improvised finger in the butt…it doesn’t matter what you do, this bitch is going to start crying. I couldn’t even tell you what kind of man she wants, because it’s hard to ask her a question or even say hello to her without her eyes welling up with tears.
07. The Meg Ryan – She thinks life is like a romantic comedy, and every guy she meets is supposed to be her leading man. She’ll spend her early years falling in love with her best friends — over and over again — until she realizes that maybe best friends aren’t meant to end up together. Her midlife years thinking that maybe she’ll start going after guys she didn’t pay attention to before but now realizes maybe she and him are perfect for each other after all. But that won’t work, because she’ll be forcing it on him and guess what? They’re not perfect for each other after all! Later in life she’ll think she has to form some amazing connection with a new guy in her adult education class, or maybe she’ll come on really strong to a guy she knew a bit in her younger years thinking that this is her big missed connection and now it’s going to work out perfectly. Guess what? It never works out perfectly. Over half the time it doesn’t even work out!
06. Daddy’s Girl – I don’t mean “Daddy’s girl” in the sense that she’s looking to marry a guy who is just like her father. I mean it in the sense that he probably touched her and it scarred her for life and now all her interactions with men are really uncomfortable for everyone.
05. The Charlize Manson – That is the clever name I just came up with for a serial dater. I supposed you could also classify her as the annoying, just-passed-her-prime slut who has come to terms with the fact that she’s not worthy of someone settling down with her. She’ll play it off like she’s just trying to have fun, but we know the sad truth. In some ways she’s the most crippled of any woman on this list, because she doesn’t realize that everything she does to try and turn guys on is a turn off.
04. The Overachiever – This is not a schoolyard classification. It has nothing to do with intelligence. The overachiever is a girl who tries way too hard to impress her male friends and partners. She likes booze, football, and torture porn movies. Hell, she might even pretend to be intrigued by a porn if you force her to watch one. She’ll do or say anything to have you keep her around. I don’t know how certain girls get this way — maybe they were ignored a lot as kids — but their actions are totally transparent. Best case scenario: the guy thinks you’re a dyke. Worst case scenario, he sees you for exactly what you are and drops you as a friend. The overachiever has no way of winning the heart of a guy.
03. Fair Maiden – She wants her hero to rescue her from the dullness of her everyday life. She’s a complete basketcase and wants a man who can help her reach her true potential. The only problem is, she has no potential. She’s a wreck. There’s no stabilizing a person who has this many problems. The hero is a fallacy. He does not exist. She will grow old, and fat, and probably wind up in a house with three-hundred cats. She’ll die alone, and no one will care.
02. The Sloth – Look at that pitiful creature. All it does is eat and sleep. It’s dirty, lazy, and totally pathetic. At a bar with friends the sloth will nurse one drink for hours, barely converse with anyone, and eventually bitch and moan about some made-up obligation that will force her to leave soon. No one will notice when she’s gone, because she either didn’t contribute to everyone else having a good time, or because she annoyed the shit out of everyone with her sad-sack attitude. How do girls even get to be this way? I don’t know! I just know that they suck.
01. Joan Everywoman – The Joan Everywoman type encompasses not only every other type on this list, but every woman, period. Like I said earlier, women are all ruled by their emotions, so they are never — not even for a single goddamned moment — stable. If you’re going to have to pick one woman on this list to fuck, it might as well be Joan Everywoman. And the only reason you should choose her is because she has a functioning vagina. And even though she encompasses every emotionally crippled type on this list, at least that provides some variety instead of the same fucking thing every single day. Maybe one day she’ll have fat girl issues and the next day she’ll have daddy issues. Better that than someone who cries all the time. My point is…every woman you’ll ever meet is an emotional cripple. But hey, I’d still fuck an emotional, crazy woman every day of the week than not have sex at all.
