It’s that time of year ago. Each year as we approach my least favorite holiday* Halloween I share with you a list of ten new and exciting costume ideas. I’ve got these ideas, right? And the ideas…I can’t manifest them and make them a reality because I don’t care enough. I don’t even like putting on a costume unless it’s a dress and even then I’m usually ossified drunk and don’t remember having fun in a dress anyway. Like three years ago, for example (alright, here’s a second example). I’ll spare you the half-dozen photos where my junk is hanging out the bottom of the dress. It’s not a pretty sight.
The point is, I’m always thinking of good costume ideas. Just like I’m always thinking about good pub trivia team names. They come to me, out of the ether — and by that I mean the anesthetizing solvent, not the archaic term for air — and it is my job to share them with you. I’ve done it before:
The Top Ten Halloween Costume Ideas For 2009
The Top Ten Halloween Costume Ideas For 2008
The Top Ten Halloween Costume Ideas For 2007
The Top Ten Halloween Costume Ideas For 2006
The Top Ten Halloween Costumes Evan Has Worn (2005)
Listen to what I have to say. The last thing you want to happen on you on Halloween is to show up at a party and there are twenty other people who’ve attempted your uninteresting costume idea. Don’t settle for being Lady Gaga or a Chilean Miner. Think outside the box. Or better yet, let me think outside the box for you.
The Top Ten Halloween Costume Ideas For 2010**
Honorable Mention (from 2009 list): Gail Simmons’ Dildo – Gail doesn’t strike me as the kind of woman who uses one of those cold, metallic dildos, or a “rabbit,” so I can’t just wrap myself in aluminum foil and find a hat that makes my head look like bulbous. That wouldn’t be fair to Gail, her luscious breasts, or her dildo. Gail strikes me as a woman who likes to feel stuffed. Like a Thanksgiving turkey. She has those child-bearing hips that imply she doesn’t settle for anything less than a well-hung lover. Maybe that’s why she and I are star-crossed lovers. But anyway…Gail’s dildo is probably fat, black and floppy — the kind that destroy the psyche of a small child if they came across it in their mother’s sock drawer. Like that episode of Venture Bros. where Rusty realizes his feelings if inadequacy stem from the first time he saw his father’s giant cock. Hilarious! But back to Gail. I guess I’m dressing up as a big, floppy black penis this year for Halloween? Hmm…maybe this idea needs to be retooled. Maybe it’s best to dress up as Gail Simmons’ tits. That’s easy. I just have to go to the costume store and get one of those smiley-faced sun costumes. After all, Gail’s breasts are the purest, warmest, happiest glowing radiant thing ever created in the history of the world. Plus I’ll be in New York, so maybe I’ll bump into her and she’ll recognize me. Then she’ll grab me by the ears and go, “I recognize you! You belong here!” and she’ll thrust my head into her chest. Yes, please.
10. Your arch enemy – It helps if you go to the same party as your enemy. That way if someone asks me who you are, you can respond by saying, “Biggest douchebag at the party” and people will laugh and think I’m just being self-effacing. Then you can point the person out and say, “No. Seriously. I’m that piece of shit right there.” And the person you’ll be talking to will look to your arch enemy, and then back to you, and then back to the kid…and their eyes will widen. And they’ll recognize the resemblance and say something like, “Wow. Ballsy. You totally pulled it off.” And then you will be champion of the party.
09. Los Locos – You know, from Short Circuit 2? The least intimidating “gang” in the history of moviemaking? They turned nice guy robot Johnny 5 into a graffiti artist street thug robot. And they had that chant, “Los Locos kick your ass! Los Locos kick your face! Los Locos kick your balls into outer space!” You can wear a jean jacket with the sleeves ripped off, a bandana, and grow some facial hair. Then you can march around chanting that stupid rhyme all night long. You’ll score points for obscurity and for the ’80s reference. The first chick you tell you’re a character from an ’80s movie is going to wriggle out of her “sexy” (insert animal here) outfit faster than you can prematurely ejaculate.
08. The New York Mets Offense – This one isn’t hard. You just have to wear some combination of blue and orange. That’s all the effort it takes. After that you can go about your regular routine, striking out seven or eight times and thanking your lucky stars if you make it as far as first base. Zing!
07. Josh Lueke – Everyone wants to grow up to be a baseball player. Most guys never become one. Now you can show up to a Halloween party dressed as a real life baseball player…with a twist. See, Josh Lueke allegedly anally raped a female fan in 2008. He took her back to the apartment he shared with his teammate and…allegedly…masturbated while she vomited and blacked out, and then had non-consensual anal intercourse with her. He later plead no contest to lesser charges of false imprisonment with violence. If you want to dress up like a famous athlete this year, make it Josh Lueke. You’ll score some major obscurity points as well as (my favorite) tasteless/uncouth/offensive points if somebody there actually reads the news or knows a thing about sports.
06. Former Senator Ted Stevens – This might take a bit of preparation. It would help if you know a make-up artist who is proficient in making someone look like they’ve just walked away from an airplane crash. You’ll want your skin and your hair to look singed. Maybe wear one of those pins with an airlines “wings” on it that pilots are always giving little kids. Isn’t that just the creepiest thing ever? A pilot pinning something on a small child? It’s like a pedophile’s dream game. Pin the wings on the sexy young child. The late Senator Ted Stevens died in an airplane crash and you should go dressed up as someone who died in an airplane crash. That’s what I’m getting at here. You could use the opportunity to combine a bunch of airplane deaths: Aaliyah, John Denver, Buddy Holly, Cory Lidle, JFK Jr., and Stevie Ray Vaughn. Wear a guitar, a Yankees hat, some bling and an old copy of George magazine. You pretty much will embody the celebrity plane crash. It’ll be a hit, I swear. Or maybe your costume will crash and burn, just like former Senator Ted Stevens.
05. A Guy With An Average-Sized Penis – Listen, all men are not created equal. I’m sorry guys, but some of you just have average-sized penises. Why not let your freak flag fly, and dress up as a guy with an average-sized penis? You can be comfortable all night wearing your own clothes, you won’t have to remember to talk in-or-out of character, and at the end of the night if you’re witty enough to meet a nice girl she won’t be totally disappointed because you told her upfront who you are. Girls, even if they want a guy who is well hung, still respect honesty. And maybe she’ll be too drunk to remember. It’s Halloween, for fuck’s sake. If you can’t find a drunk chick to take home you might as well take your pathetically average-sized penis home and kill yourself.
04. Screw it, take some mushrooms and just enjoy the weird sights at whatever party you go to. Maybe a nice, wholesome costume that harkens back to simpler times will make you cry. Maybe the loser who gets way into the zombie make-up will stop your heart. Go to one of those haunted houses or amusement parks with special Halloween shit going on. There will be lots of strange things to behold and probably some loud music to enjoy. Or stay at home and play some early Tangerine Dream and set off fireworks.
03. Your Favorite Book Character Who Has Never Been Adapted Into A Movie Character – Originality, folks, is the key to a successful Halloween costume. Don’t try to emulate some manufactured Hollywood bullshit like Harry Potter or some other book-to-movie character. Be the character that people don’t have a frame of reference to help them recognize you. Be someone who people only know from the written word, not from what they’ve seen on TV or a movie screen. If someone recognizes you, you’ll feel really accomplished. This idea is mostly for a girl who might be reading this, because girls read books and can’t dress up as an alleged baseball player rapist or a guy with a tiny dick. I mean they could, and I would fall in love with them for it, but…most girls don’t want to dress up as a guy. It’s not becoming. It’s not sexy. Be Arlova from Darkness At Noon. Winner. Boner.
02. Michael Douglas – I don’t mean Wall Street Michael Douglas, or even Basic Instinct Michael Douglas. I’m talking about now Michael Douglas. After his cancer therapy. All you have to do to pull this off is kind of dress like a pale scarecrow, but more deathly looking. And if you think I’m being insensitive, I should tell you that New Brunswick native Michael Douglas once had me bumped from first class on a Continental flight from New York to LA. So I kind of owe him for being a dick to me once.
01. Plush Animal Costume – Look, I’m going to be blunt with you, because I believe in brutal honesty at all costs. Wearing a full-on plush animal costume instantly attracts everybody in a room to you. I am lucky enough to have such a costume, and although I never wear it on Halloween (why would I do that? That actually makes sense!) it is a total chick magnet and a people magnet in general. Last Christmas I wore it (see: main photo atop this entry). The owner of Seven Grand in downtown Los Angeles took pictures with me and texted them to his wife as a means of showing her that it was worthwhile to open his bar on Christmas Eve. This horribly fat black girl with a lisp kept asking me to take my mask off and I refused, but she bought me a drink anyway. Later, at a strip club in Hollywood, dancers were begging their manager to let me on stage with them. When last call rolled around, I received not only a huge ovation upon exiting the club, but people actually started chanting my (animal’s) name in the parking lot. Of a strip club. On Christmas Eve. Imagine how much attention you could get at an actual costume party? The whole point of Halloween is to dress like a stupid whore or show off your body, and you’d be doing the exact opposite. There’s nothing more arousing than being a staunch contrarian. You will get all the pussy. Or dick. Or whatever it is you’re looking for. I guarantee it.
** In memory of Flat Connor. Halloween was his favorite holiday.
