…This is exactly how I feel when I’m watching a Cubert episode.
Good day, friends. Before I begin this week’s post (wait a minute…it’s already begun!) I would like to extend yet another Thank You to Swan Fungus super-fan (he’s the first, it’s official) Stephen in Japan. Listen to this: he actually send me a personalized bottle of Woodford Reserve VIP Kentucky straight bourbon! It’s got my name etched into the bottle. I’ve never even thought to award super-fan status to a Swan Fungus reader before, but Stephen has clearly earned the title. If you’re reading this — and I’m sure you are — your membership card will be mailed to you shortly along with some nice little rewards. The rest of you could learn a lot from Stephen. Do nice things for me.
My old, dear friend Matt made contact today briefly today just to tell me that he’d seen a website ranking the worst episodes of Futurama — pre-cancellation — and it not only included “Jurassic Bark,” but it called “That’s Lobstertainment!” the worst episode in the series. We commiserated for a few moments about how stupid the list was, and then I got the idea to write my own list. As an avid Futurama fan, there’s nothing harder than picking out ten horrible episodes of a show you commonly refer to as “flawless.” Alas, since I’m always up for a challenge, I decided I would try my hand at such a list. And here it is, folks. Straight from my groin to your ovaries.
Yes, I know it’s not proper English to say “Top Ten Worst,” and I should have just said “Bottom Ten” or “Ten Worst,” but since this website has long been known for its top ten lists, I have to stick to my formula. It’s worked for me so far. I’m a rich, famous blogger, I can’t just shift gears after five years!
The Top Ten Worst Episodes Of Futurama
Honorable Mention: “The 30% Iron Chef” – This is nearly one of the ten worst episodes of the series, but because I like cooking shows it’s hard for me to fault this for being a parody of something I watch regularly. As you’re about to find out, a lot of episodes where Bender is given the A plot tend to be weaker than the rest of the Futurama episodes. You’ll see…
10. “A Pharaoh To Remember” – Within the first five minutes you have Bender dancing on rollerblades trying to impress a gang. That’s not a recipe for success. Bender’s “funeral” works because the rest of the characters are given a chance to make the jokes. It’s especially funny because, well, they’re quiet throughout the first act. Then the plot develops and you get that story about the fake delivery to the ancient Egyptian-esque planet. Once Bender takes over as Pharaoh…well, things get pretty dumb pretty fast. It’s just not an entertaining episode.
09. “Raging Bender” – You’re noticing the trend already, aren’t you? This one’s okay for the Lela plot line but taking on professional wrestling doesn’t exactly make for hilarious television. At least compared to the rest of Futurama. The most memorable scene is the motion capture fight between Lela and her old kung-fu instructor through Bender and the giant robot. Other than that I can’t remember what happened in this episode. Bender accidentally beats up a wrestling robot in a movie theater. There might have been some funny jokes written around that, but I can’t recall them. In other words…meh.
08. “Xmas Story” – It’s kind of a cheap shot to call out Christmas episodes of television shows for not being funny enough. So don’t blame me, blame my being raised Jewish for my disinterest in Christmas television. John Goodman is great, but the story is pretty flat. Is this the year when Fry was trying to buy the perfect gift for Lela? Or was that the other, even less interesting Christmas episode? I think I’m correct…Fry buys her a parrot. The best part of the episode is when Fry is hanging onto dear life to a digital clock. Visual humor ensues.
07. “Bender Should Not Be Allowed On TV” – This was one of the last episodes to air before the cancellation, and I guess the writers knew they were done for because this one is pretty dreadful. The whole “All My Circuits” and Calculon stuff never really amused me, except for — irony alert — his role in the critically panned “That’s Lobstertainment!” episode. Wasn’t the B plot in this episode about Farnsworth…but with a lot of Cubert? Ugh. If there’s one thing worse than bad Bender episodes, it’s an episode with Cubert. The pointless recalling of an old Hypnotoad joke at the end seals it. Note: Hypnotoad isn’t always funny.
06. “Bendin’ In The WInd” – This one’s just like a bad late-era Simpsons episode. Celebrity voice appearances, moronic plot, and bad hippie parodies. I’m surprised this one isn’t ranked higher (and by that I guess I mean lower) on this list, but I don’t remember Cubert being there, and it’s not a stupid Christmas episode, and there’s no Flexo. Yuck…Flexo. In the hierarchy of shitty Futurama characters, I’m pretty sure Flexo and Cubert rank one and two. That is, characters who appeared in at least two episodes. Even the staunchest of Futurama fans would have to agree with me on that, right?
05. “A Tale Of Two Santas” – It’s really, really hard to rank the five worst Futurama episodes because, let’s be honest, they’re all really bad. What I mean by that is, as someone who is obsessed with the show, it’s difficult for me to admit that there are five episodes I never care to see again. I’m going to give this Christmas episode some bonus love because I recognize it’s not really fair of me to criticize something for being non-secular. Still, this is way worse than the first Xmas episode. John Goodman is good, but then they freeze his character in ice and it becomes another mundane Bender episode. Dumb, dumb dumb…
04. “A Clone Of My Own” – Rather than do some serious Futurama re-watching in order to finish this list, I’m going to take a slightly easier way out and just stagger the top four — Cubert episode, Flexo episode, Flexo episode, Cubert episode — effectively ruining the remainder of this list for you. I never felt like Futurama jumped the shark before its cancellation, but if you really want me to try and pinpoint an episode for you, you can start your search with either of the two Cubert-centric episodes. This was just…so bad. So, so bad. I can’t remember anything about it other than the fact that when I was in college and watching Futurama four times a night (during Adult Swim’s 10-11pm block and the repeated 2-3am block), I would never watch this one.
03. “The Lesser Of Two Evils” – Like Christmas episodes, when choosing what’s worse between two Flexo episodes, go with the one which aired second. That means “The Lesser Of Two Evils” quite literally lives up to its name. It’s the better of the two Flexo episodes. Flexo. Who’s dumb fucking idea was that? Seriously. What was funny about that episode? A bunch of sight gags involving two characters who are identical to one another? Another Futurama episodes, “The Farnsworth Parabox” did the same thing ten-times more effectively. Sorry, Flexo fans. You suck.
02. “Bendless Love” – They brought Flexo back. If ever there was a dumb plot on what was arguably the best show on television during its original air dates, here it is. It starts with the discovery that Bender is “sleep-bending”? Are you kidding me? Come on, writers. You can do better than that. Apparently you can’t. It ends with Bender bending an unbendable girder. Seriously, this is about the worst thing they ever produced. Not counting the new episodes or the straight-to-DVD movies. I haven’t seen all those because I want to preserve Futurama in my memory as a near-perfect, divine gift from above. Flexo nearly ruins that every time I think about him.
01. “The Route Of All Evil” – This was unequivocably the last interesting half-hour in all of Futurama from 1999 to 2003. Cubert and the little Hermes kid (see, I don’t even remember his name! That’s how insignificant he was to the show!) decide they want to start a delivery company that will directly compete with Planet Express. Already it’s the most fascinating thing ever. No, wait. I mean the opposite of that statement. Couple that with an uninspired B plot (Bender gives birth to his own beer?) and you have, without a doubt, the worst episode in the history of Futurama. Before it got cancelled. I can’t stress that enough.
And for those of you who think “That’s Lobstertainment” sucked worse than those ten, I don’t even want to hear about it from you. You’re simply not evolved enough to enter into debate with me. Goodbye.
Stephen, thanks for the bourbon, I’m going to drink it now. The rest of you, have a good weekend.
