Nicci and I went for lunch in Hollywood today. She asked me this morning if there was anything I could do to cross off my 101/1001 list, since the end-date is now in sight and I haven’t even completed 50% of the goals I set for myself. I’ve pretty much given up on it. I told her she could drive me to Venice Beach and let me walk home (a roughly 18 mile trip), but she got all mom-like on me and told me it was too hot outside and she would not allow it. That’s when I hatched a little scheme, because I am a schemer, constantly scheming in order to get my way. After we finished our lunch, I asked if she wanted to hang around Hollywood for a bit. She said she’d like to get a Sudoku book from Borders but she had to be at work by three o’clock. I told her I’d go to Borders but I wanted to hang around and enjoy the day. I said, “Don’t worry, babe. I’ll walk home.” And like that, I kind of got my wish. It wasn’t seventeen miles, but I walked from Sunset and Vine back to my front door. It came out to an even six miles (I stopped the application on my phone when I reached my car in order to have a nice, round number). I posted updates to Twitter and Facebook every mile of the journey, and now I’ll compile those into a cute little list for you. It’ll be just like you were there with me, every step of the way, for the entire two hours and eleven minutes. I didn’t pause my step-counter program when I made stops for water or to look in a store, so I’m sure I walked much quicker than my average 2.65mph pace would imply.
Here are the mile updates. I’ll break everything down after:
Mile number one: 5 liquor stores, 5 hair salons, 3 bums (one of which was a woman with a fuller beard than I can grow), 2 puddles of vomit, 1 puddle of blood, 2 pot dispensaries, at least a half dozen sleazy motels and 1 wine tasting room under construction. Did anybody else know there is a LOST video game for PS3 and Xbox 360? Awesome.
Mile number two: 1 gynecologist, 4 food trucks, 3 liquor stores, 1 bee attack, 3 hair salons, 5 child Scientologists, 3 bakeries (in a span of one block! One is called “Mush”), 1 bum, 4 people in wheelchairs, 1 Mexican restaurant. Plenty of Thai massage parlors, a couple of which appear to be prime locations if you’re interested in a happy ending.
Mile three: 6 Mexican restaurants, 4 hair salons, 1 liquor store, 1 guy in a wheelchair, 1 friend spotted (Tom!), 3 bums, a couple more massage parlors, 3 vegan/vegetarian restaurants, and apparently I’m the duke of Rough Trade now? Thanks a lot, Yelp application on my phone. There goes my reputation!
Mile four: 8 hair salons, 7 liquor stores, 6 Mexican restaurants and 2 vegan joints. Welcome to the East Side, I guess. Also one stop at a waxing studio, one friend encountered (Nicci!), one stop for water, and one weirdo dressed as The Flash to promote auto insurance. Not much going on. I feel like Michael Douglas in Falling Down except for all the exciting stuff. I haven’t fought gang members, knocked over a convenience store or stalked my ex-wife, even. I’m just walking and its hot outside.
Mile five: 7 Mexican restaurants, 3 liquor stores, 3 hair salons (two for humans, one for dogs), 2 bums, 2 vegan/vegetarian restaurants, 1 library, 1 pot dispensary, 1 annoying phone call from work to ruin my walker’s high, and 1 crazy lady pointing at me and screaming “Lies! Lies! Lies!” to anyone who would listen. Oh, Echo Park. You’re so quirky!
Mile six: 1 bee attack, 5 cafes, 2 bakeries, 2 mini marts. Oh, there’s my car, I guess I’m home. Well that was a good waste of two hours.
By the Numbers:
679 Calories Burned
462 Feet Climbed (??? Whatever you say, walking Droid app!)
23 Hair Salons
22.38 min/mi Average Pace per Mile
20 Mexican Restaurants
19 Liquor Stores
9 Bums
7 Vegan / Vegetarian Restaurants
6 Miles Walked
5 Child Scientologists
4 Food trucks
5+ Bakeries (I stopped counting for a while)
5 People In Wheelchairs
5 Times I Arbitrarily Crossed The Street
$4.60 spent on bottled water
3 Pot Dispensaries
2.65mph Average Pace
2 Puddles of vomit
2 Bee Attacks
2 Friends Spotted
2 Bottles of Water
2 Mini Marts (I wasn’t really counting these until I approached my street)
1 Puddle of blood
1 Gynecologist
0 Photographs Taken (whoops!)
The reason I started keeping track of my surroundings was because I became intrigued whenever I saw three or four of something on the same block. I mean, I know LA is an image-conscious city, but that seems like an insane number of hair salons in a span of six miles. Maybe I’m wrong. I don’t know. The Mexican restaurant tally is to be expected, because there’s a large Mexican population in LA and their food is really yummy. Of course, the ratio of things like massage parlors, crummy motels and Scientologists to vegan restaurants shifted dynamically as I left Hollywood and entered the Silverlake and Echo Park neighborhoods. I kind of stopped looking at the ground after a while because I was getting a little too worked up about the number of pools of bodily fluids I needed to step over while I walked. At some point you just have to give up and assume you’re going to pass through a dried puddle of vomit at nearly every bus stop you come to, you know
They say that nobody walks in LA. I walk. I like it. Even if it’s hot outside. And if I ever get kidnapped and brought to a top-secret location just off Sunset Blvd, odds are I’ll know exactly where I am based on the number of liquor stores and bums in the area. See, my walk home did accomplish something! Plus, I came up with a song and cheer that people will sing whenever I pass them on the street during future walks. It goes something like this, “Walking Evan / Walking Evan / We sing this song for thee!” If someone wants to put that to music and e-mail it to me, I’ll mail you a really cool prize.
