On Getting Back Together With Your Ex

“I need to tell you something. I had sex with your sister.”

Hi, friends. It’s Friday night and midnight is fast approaching. Why aren’t I out getting blackout and having a good time? Simply put, it’s because I hate myself. What would be the sense in allowing myself to enjoy a few measly hours between work and sleep to have fun and forget about my troubled existence? Better I should sit at home in the dark drinking bourbon and grumbling about my ills to no one in particular. I need to make a change. Anyone want to loan me, like, twenty-thousand dollars? Just enough to take a year off and get some real work done would be sufficient.

Amelia McDonnell-Parry, I don’t know you, but your relationship advice columns are now being syndicated by CNN via The Frisky and that means I need to make fun of everything you write. Welcome to Swan Fungus — where real journalists are the subject of bad, sexist jokes written by a man who possesses what is likely the most tenuous grasp on grammar and spelling rules an English major could possibly have. Also, all his sentences seem to run a little long.

What’s that you say, you can write about why not to get back together with an ex in nine reasons? Why, I do believe I can write that article in less reasons. In fact, I’m pretty sure you only need one reason why not to get back together with an ex. And that reason is: “You’ve already dated once and failed. Move on.” Thank you for playing “Name That Dating Column,” Amelia. You lose.

Here’s the thing, Amelia. If you’re going to write an article listing nine reasons not to get back together with an ex, you need to temper your list with some reasons why people might actually think about getting together with an ex. It’s so easy to say shit like, “The fights are the same,” or “You’re already totally over him.” Isn’t that obvious? Most people break up because they realize that their life will be better without their current partner. You’re not telling a person something new when you write that they shouldn’t get back together because “A percentage of your time together genuinely made you very unhappy.” Come up with some not cliche reasons why people shouldn’t get back together. Then discus why maybe there are some good reasons to get back together. At least put forth enough effort to show that there are two sides to any debate, even though you’re clearly promoting one over the other. Once that’s done, you’re well on your way to not writing a shitty “lifestyle” article for your stupid online magazine.

Furthermore, your list of reasons for saying “No!” to your suddenly nostalgic ex sucks. You refuse to include anything that’s too touchy in favor of generalizations like “Your friends and family hate him.” That’s not even true most of the time. You’re perception of people paints a grim, superficial portrait of humanity. None of my friends or family hate the girls I’ve dated. They might not like the person I became when I dated a certain girl, but hate? They just want to see me happy. I’m sure your family and most others are the same. As long as the first go-round didn’t conclude following a friends and family relationship intervention, they’ll be happy that you are happy.

Really? “The physical attraction just isn’t there?” Hmm…I wonder why that could be. Oh, maybe it’s because you’ve been apart for an indeterminate length of time and you’ve probably screwed a few people along the way, so maybe you haven’t had many chances to think about your ex and gauge the level of physical attraction. Hell, I think it’s common in most people to hang onto some fetishistic fascination when it comes to exes. Why don’t you write an article about that? Tell your readers all about the joys of jerking off to a particularly hot memory or an old Polaroid. Better yet, poll your readers and ask how many of them have fantasized about an ex. Do you still think “The physical attraction just isn’t there” is a valid excuse for not getting back with a former significant other? I didn’t think so.

Lastly, where’s the humor in this article? You’ve come up with nine dull reasons why not to get back with your ex. Where’s the slightly controversial shit, like “You often thought about her best friend while fucking.” Now that’s a legitimate reason not to get back together with someone. Especially if you later fucked her friend! Why not add in an anecdote to aid your readers in visualizing the scenario: you, Amelia, burying your head into your lover’s neck during lovemaking, not to feel closer to the guy, but to avert your eyes from his face and concentrate on the mental image of that cute friend of his you always secretly wanted.

Here’s my quick list of more legitimate reasons not to get back together with your ex:

01. You always secretly wanted to fuck their best friend.
02. You secretly fucked their best friend.
03. You’re too proud to admit you ended it prematurely the first time around.
04. You want to be spiteful because they ended it the first time around.
05. There’s no thrill in chasing what has already been caught.
06. S/he’s still (insert your religion here).
07. S/he’s put on weight.
08. You like being single. You want to fuck new people.
09. You killed her pet and got away with it (even if it was an accident, there is no sense in returning to a situation where you could potentially incriminate yourself).
10. You never really liked the person in the first place.

By the way, Amelia, I just looked you up on Facebook. I see that we have a mutual friend. How awkward.

Yet another reason why Keith Law is one of the greatest sports journalists of our time.