Is that your hard-on poking me under the table?
It feels like it’s been too long since last I’ve heard from dame Judy McGuire — never officially invested with the title, though in my mind the woman is not only worthy of being recognized for her contributions to society by those on high, but she is also a saint who lacks only the saintly characteristics of virtue, respect, honor…all of them, I guess — who writes for TheFrisky.com and is often syndicated by the dopes who run CNN’s official website. God, what a horrible pig she must be! I would say “What a horrible pig she is!” but I don’t know her (although on some level I feel we’ve known each other all our lives) and am ill-equipt to pass judgement. Though compromised in my ability to come to sensible conclusions, I am still able to read the woman’s dreadful articles. And boy are they terrifying. Does your average journalism professor still teach how to write? Or in these days of Internet-everything do students just assume that because all of the information they could ever desire is readily available they need not worry about the trifles of writing, such as formulating an original idea, putting forth a unique viewpoint, and generally not sounding like a complete-fucking moron.
Judy wrote an article last month that has eluded me until right now. Probably the editors at CNN are embarrassed by how filthy bloggers like myself are outwitting their paid correspondents, and often we write our own articles at the expense of said writers. My responses are ten times more informative and humorous than “last year’s model,” so-to-speak. It’s like the difference between Lewis Carroll’s book Alice In Wonderland and GWAR’s long-form video Phallus In Wonderland, or maybe the Obscure References recording “Malice In Punderland.” Yes, the book served a purpose, but the works it inspired are considered to be widespread cultural phenomena whose impact was much, much greater than that of the original. *Cough cough* …
So Judy writes, “My pal Stella is going through a terrible breakup with a horrible man.” Already, she’s piqued my interest. I don’t know if it’s just the tone I’m using to read this article to myself, but it sounds like maybe Judy thinks all men are horrible. I could be wrong, but that’s a strong opening sentence and it can be read in a variety of ways. Judy continues, “Like most of us, Stella knows how to deal with their split (time, wine, chocolate, more wine, more time)…” Already I am completely baffled by the logic. Since when is taking your time and drinking and eating chocolate considered to be a good way to deal with a breakup? And who is this “most of us” Judy references? Because nobody I know is that big of a pussy to sit around and mope after a relationship fails. If I knew people who did shit like that, I wouldn’t be friends with them anymore. Plain and simple. You pick yourself up off the ground, dust yourself off, and you go out to get drunk and fuck the first person who shows interest in you. That’s how you do it. None of this “time” bullshit, you literally hang up the phone or exit your ex’s home and you start planning how you’re going to get fucked before your next obligation (work, family, etc.). Chocolate? Is that really supposed to be hedonistic and fun? Women eat chocolate when they’re depressed. And men don’t eat chocolate. We live like kings when we’re no longer attached. We eat steaks. We treat people to steaks. That’s how you deal with a split. Be a king, not a vagina crying into a glass of wine with chocolate smeared at the corners of your mouth. That’s pathetic.
I guess the point of the article is that Judy’s friend shrink probably graduated from the same school I did (The University Of How To Fall Behind And Stay Behind But Have A Good Time Doing So), because doctor know-it-all told her to get her shit together and go on some dates. Also, the doctor provided some insane questions she could ask the next man she considered dating. Questions that, if I ever heard on a first date, would send me running for the hills. And by “the hills” I mean I would run towards another woman in the bar and start fucking her — whether she arrived with a guy or not — just to show Judy’s friend how completely unappealing a woman is when she asks, “What’s the worst thing that ever happened to you? How did you recover?” on the first fucking date!
Listen, Judy. Tell your friend I’ve got it all figured out. Here are the real questions her shrink should have told her about. I don’t know, maybe he’s keeping them a secret on purpose so he can use them himself. Your friend is going to look like an asshole when she starts asking “How do you feel about your mother?” on a first date. I don’t even think my girlfriend has asked me that and we’ve been dating for two and a half years. Let me school you both. Here are four questions to ask your next date:
1. “What the hell are you doing (texting me / sending me a Facebook message) to ask me if I want to get together sometime?” – Are you some kind of social retard? You literally couldn’t show any less interest in a person by electronically communicating your half-hearted desire to see me. I know things are different these days and most people find it easier to talk to one another through an intermediary such as their computer or phone, but we’re talking about sex! Yeah, there’s all that other relationship-y stuff that goes along with it, but before you get any of that stuff there’s penis-in-vagina action that needs to be addressed. So if I’m a girl, I want a guy who has the guts to call me or approach me in person to gauge my interest in dating him. I’m not a girl — never have been, never wanted to be — but to see a guy risk major embarrassment via potential “No Thanks” would be more than enough to make me wet. I’m not a woman, so the best I can do is call one or approach one and hope it leads to her grinding my dick off in the not-too-distant future.
2. “How do you respond to an unexpected finger in the anus?” I don’t know about you people, but I think sex is very important to a relationship. I want my partner to know what I like (and it doesn’t involve unexpected fingers in my anus, but more on that in a moment!) and I want to know what they like. Asking your date this question serves more than just a simple purpose. You can find out instantly if a person has the potential to be a freak in the bedroom — which is always a plus in my book — and you can see how comfortable they are with their sexuality. If what you’re looking for is a confident partner who is willing to let go of their inhibitions and make fucking look like the Lewis and Clark Expedition. But instead of learning about resources and aiding western expansion you’ll be learning whether or not someone’s asshole is simply for pooping and paving the groundwork for future kinky sex marathons.
3. “Have you ever been convicted of a felony? Do you harbor fantasies of committing a crime?” – This one’s pretty obvious. I would imagine most people do not fancy dating psychopaths. This will help even the dumbest shit in the world weed out someone with a propensity for chronic mental disorder, perhaps even with violent tendencies. If you’re not smart enough to ask this question pretty early on during your next date — or better yet use simple logic to assess the person you’re with and determine for yourself if they appear to have spent time in a psych ward — your future with that person (on the condition that they pass the test, of course) should be in pretty good shape!
4. “What do you look for in a girl?” – This might seem like a softball, but girls should always ask this on a date because the answer they receive will tell them exactly how they have to act around the guy in order to make him like her. And since all girls are constantly searching for acceptance, those who get ahead by playing up to the desires of the guy they’re trying to get are going to be the ones who inevitably attain what all girls want: someone to provide for them so they can sit around eating and growing fat and being lazy.
Was that so hard? I don’t think so. Next time one of your stupid girlfriends goes to ask you for advice, refer them to this article. It’s got everything they need to know, but with more vulgarity.
As for us guys, we don’t need to ask a date questions to determine whether or not a girl is crazy. Most of us already know that all girls are crazy. Those of us who possess this great advantage are more likely to succeed in life and eventually procreate because of our knowledge. Just find a girl who is crazy in a way that you can handle, and you’ll be just fine.
