Okay, so…does anybody else out there ever see pop-up ads on my website? I need to know this, because I just found out that Nicci sees them “all the time.” What. The. Fuck. In order to get rid of whatever (or whoever) is causing these ads, I need to know the responsible party. Please leave a comment below or e-mail me the name of the company it belonged to. I am not going to let these fuckers ruin your web experience. So help me God, if I have to get rid of the ads on my website and forefit my second largest source of personal income, I’ll do it. This isn’t MySpace or AllMusic or some other whored-out website. This isn’t CNN. This pop-up shit is unacceptable.
By the way, CNN wants to know if I’m a sex addict. No joke. They wrote this article the other day called, “Are you a sex addict?” and since I didn’t see anybody else reading it on my laptop, the question had to be directed at me. CNN told me about this guy named Jack who thought, “My God, that’s some body count!” when he first heard about Tiger Woods having sex with a bunch of broads even though he was supposed to be married. Then they drop a bomb on us: Jack is also a sex addict. And hey, Jack and Tiger aren’t the only two sex addicts in America right now. CNN wanted to know, am I a sex addict? They offered these questions as a means of finding out:
1. You lie – This means, “if you lie with women to get them to have sex with you, you’re a predator and an addict.” Wait, why am I a predator just because I lie about my SAT score (I tell women it’s lower than it really is to make them feel smarter)? Why am I a predator just because I’ve told a girl I “I like you. This is going where I really like you” when she asked me, “Where is this going?” Those aren’t lies in the “I’m not married but I really am” sense of the word, they’re just…well, they’re lies. Unfortunately, CNN thinks this is the number-one way to know if you’ve “crossed the line.” So I guess I’ve crossed the line. Many times. Okay, I guess I might be a sex addict. Good thing there are still five more tests I might be able to pass.
2. Sex consumes me – Ha! More like I consume sex…with the limitless appetite of a really fat person! The founder of the Sexual Recovery Institute thinks sex addicts “are always preoccupied with hitting on someone, or picking someone up, or getting home to look at porn before their spouse comes home.” A ha! I can’t be a sex addict because I don’t have a spouse. So the fact that I am obsessed with hitting on women and porn can’t mean I’m a sex addict. By the way, does the fact that I picked up two dudes last weekend mean that I’m a sex addict? It’s not that I was interested in them, but, I have a girlfriend. I can’t go around hitting on girls and picking them up. And the chase is the best part. So if I can find Nicci at the bar and say, “I just got two dudes phone numbers!” it satiates my desire to pick someone up and it means I’m not cheating on her.
3. You’re “divorced, dead, fired or arrested” – That is, if I continue my sexual activities even though I’ve been threatened. Why? Because sex addicts ignore all consequences. I like to think of myself as someone who lives in the moment. I don’t think about consequences. I’ve never been married so I haven’t been threatened with divorce. I was threatened with death once in high school but it had nothing to do with sex…unless that guy wanted to beat me up because he secretly wanted to have sex with me. I’ve never lost a job because of sex-related business, but then again I haven’t held down many jobs. I have been threatened with arrest once by a girl who thought I was stalking her. She claimed to have chat transcripts between her and myself in the middle of the night where I had threatened her, and she claimed I made an anti-her blog. I think I’ve written about this before. Either way, she threatened to call the authorities if I didn’t remove the blog and stop talking to her. I stopped talking to her, but since I didn’t create the website I couldn’t remove it. It’s still up today, actually. I just checked. I haven’t spoken to her in about five years. She tried to chat with me on Facebook once and I said something like, “Sorry, you told me not to talk to you.” Now she’s dating some bald faggy looking guy. Not that I’m stalking her or anything. Whatever. Sucks for her. Does any of this make me a sex addict?
04. You have an intense interest in pornography – I wouldn’t say that it’s intense, but I would say that four of my twelve most-visited websites according to Firefox are porn websites. I don’t think that constitutes having a problem. Do you? Whatever, it’s not like I’m constantly refreshing those websites just to see if they’ve uploaded anything new in the fifteen seconds since I last refreshed the website. I mean, that would be crazy. But oh man, what if I didn’t continually refresh the websites and maybe I missed out on some barely legal slut getting bukkaked by a bunch of black guys! I wouldn’t be able to live with myself. I’d probably never be able to masturbate again. I’d just sit there and regret the one grainy, pixelated video I missed out on that one time I refused to refresh the “Most Recent” page of that porn website I love so much. Dammit. I might be an addict after all.
05. You want to stop and you can’t – What, you mean like when mid-coitus with a gorgeous girl, and I should probably pull out or slow down, but it feels too good? Or do you mean, like, “I really want to stop having sex with women all the time but I can’t.” Either way, I’m not so sure how the rule relates to me. And what if I just plain don’t want to stop? Does that make me an addict? I mean, you’re saying the addict wants to stop but can’t because it’s a compulsion or obsession. If I don’t want to stop then I clearly don’t have a problem. That’s some pretty dumb logic, CNN. If I were presenting people with this quiz, I would say that the person who doesn’t have a problem with extracurricular sex and infidelity is the sex addict. The person who might “want to stop and [he/she] can’t” is just a loser. Being a loser doesn’t make you a sex addict. If it did, almost everyone I know would be one. And they’re not. Only I am, apparently.
So, I guess I’m a sex addict. I might as well just curl up in a ball (with some good old pornography) and wait to die. Acceptance can be a real bitch. Especially when using the Kübler-Ross model to determine where I am in dealing with a terminal illness. Because that would mean I’ve skipped denial, anger, bargaining and depression and simply accepted my fate. Which in relation to my coming out as a sex addict makes perfect sense. It also takes all the fun out of being a sex addict. I can’t argue with myself about it or get really depressed and stop shaving or something. I just have to sit here and be fine with the fact that I’m addicted to sex.
