This page wasn’t described by eMusic as “The most self-centered thing on the Internet” without just cause. Would you believe me if I told you I have never read another person’s blog before? I’ve read “blogs” like the one at Wired.com, or the unofficial Mets websites… is that website “The Frisky” a blog? Who cares. Really, I just use the Internet for chatting with friends and reading the same six or seven websites every day to keep myself informed. I don’t think I’ve ever willfully clicked onto another person’s blog before. I couldn’t really care what happens in other people’s lives. I’ve got my own life (and blog) to deal with.
I woke up today intending to think of a really funny story to write before my softball game. So far I feel like 2010 has gotten off to a slow start. It’s been a few hours since I hatched that idea and I have nothing to show for it. Now I’m wondering…what do people blog about, anyway?
I decided that in order to find out how to blog like normal people do, I would have to look at normal everyday blogs to see what the hell people talk about. Thankfully, Blogger has that little header button that allows you to randomly jump to various blogs on their server. The first blog I arrived at was Peggy Payne’s Boldness Blog. Peggy describes her blog as “a conversation designed to encourage creativity, spunkiness, and audacity of the most profound, delightful and deeply fulfilling sort.” It sounded like the perfect antidote for this bout of writer’s block. In her most recent post, Peggy writes, “This morning I installed the new DVD player that my husband and I gave each other for Christmas.” Hmm…I’m not feeling all that inspired yet. Maybe that first sentence was just a joke, included to defend the integrity of her website and conceal its true purpose from trolls like myself. Peggy continues, “It was really pretty simple to do; took only about ten minutes from package ripping to hearing the familiar ringing tones of the HBO opening sequence.” Nope. Nevermind. This is not the kind of blog I want to read, and certainly not the kind of blog I want to write. I think I’ll move on to another blog. Surely the next person I meet will inspire me.
The next fifteen blogs I stumbled upon were either photography-centric, written in foreign languages, or hijacked web addresses filled with info on how to make money online. I decided maybe Blogger wasn’t the best place to learn what other people blog about.
I started to use Google and searched for terms like “blog” and “personal blog” to aid me in taking the pulse of bloggers around the world. I came upon a blog called chris.word. Chris’ first post details his favorite films of 2009. At first it stuck me as interesting because he had posted a list, but the contents of the list kind of sucked. I mean, I’m tired of reading about Avatar and Star Trek and Up In The Air. Didn’t you see any non-mainstream movies this year that were good, chirs.word? I scrolled down to read what his other posts were about, but they all seem to be links to news stories or advertisements or video game trailers. The writing surrounding these boring links doesn’t even begin to intrigue me. Writing, “Here’s my favorite new Apple ad” doesn’t leave room for much discourse. Does anybody comment on a blog like this? Where are all the pictures of “indie” rockers with semen crudely Photoshopped onto their faces? I’m bored.
Life With Josh — Josh Spaulding’s Personal Blog follows his “life as a husband, father, and Internet marketer who is constantly striving to get the most out of life, mentally and physically.” Unfortunately, his blog has an inverse effect on me: it drains life from me both mentally and physically. Josh’s most recent post is about a healthy energy drink he got for free from some company. Aside from the cringe-inducing smiley emoticon he uses in the first paragraph, Josh has absolutely nothing to say. He might as well not exist. His blog entry reads like one of the hundreds of spam comments my auto-filter deletes every day.
I decided to try Blogger’s website again because I know how popular it is amongst the blogging crowd. This time, the first website I found was called My Favorite Things. The “About Us” section declares that this is a blog about things that make the author(s) happy. I guess that’s kind of what my blog is about too, only with lots of vulgarity and sexism. The most recent post is “a kiss for you,” in which the author Molly thanks people for reading the blog. Pointless. The next entry is called “favorite diaper bag.” It reads, “The husband and I will most likely be trying for baby #3 this year. It feels like it has been quite a while since I’ve had a baby around. My youngest just turned three on Saturday. I’ve been without a diaper bag for two years now. So I am enlisting your help, dear readers. Tell me what is YOUR favorite diaper bag.” Seriously, is this what people do when they say they’re starting a blog? Instead of blogging about a stupid diaper bag, why don’t you blog about trying for baby #3 this year, bitch? Snap some photos of your tits or your husband’s face buried in your snatch. That would at least keep me around beyond the first two sentences.
Okay, I give up. All that I’ve learned today is that there is a reason I don’t read blogs. I just didn’t know what it was until now because I hadn’t taken the time to read one. Maybe I intrinsically knew that it would only lead me to feel like I’d wasted a part of my life that I could never recover. A blog is a website where people post pictures, or link to news stories or videos. The authors don’t even invest enough energy to tell us why we should think the thing they are highlighting is cool or worthy of being looked at. I never knew until this very moment how lucky you all are to be here. Seriously. I actually write stuff. When I started writing this I thought my post might be cliche, but now I see that it’s quite original. Why I am not rich by now is beyond me.
I’ve decided this year that I’m going to take this website to the next level. I’m going to open an online Museum of Evan, where I fill various “wings” (read: pages) with artifacts from my life. Primary school reports and test results, pictures of outfits I wore, childhood videos and whatever other ephemera you find in your run-of-the-mill historic museum. It’ll be like The Louvre. Maybe I’ll call it The LouVreine or something. Look, I can’t be expected to know all the details at this early stage of planning. The idea was presented to me by Meredith an hour ago. She suggested I make it a real life museum, because otherwise the it won’t be all that much different than my blog. In any event, I’m going to need someone to start scanning and photographing all my old schoolwork: notes, papers, tests and junk. So, I need to hire an intern. Preferably someone who lives near New Jersey and can spend all their time at my mom’s house not being paid to gather things for me. I’ll post the job description and application on Saturday.
Until then, here’s a test I almost failed from high school. I got a 65%, or a solid D. Notice the subject was US History. The 1950s and Civl Rights. As you can plainly see, even at an early age I couldn’t care what was going on in the world when Baby Boomers were starting to come of age. Or maybe it proves I’m a racist.
A Silver Mt. Zion – I Built Myself A Metal Bird
