I already told most of the world this (via Facebook and Twitter, in case you need more Swan Fungus in your life), but I thought the embarrassing highlight of my day yesterday would have been squirming uncomfortably through a live Adam Lambert performance while attending a taping of the Ellen Degeneres show. I was wrong. A few hours later I watched comedian Laura Kightlinger flat-out BOMB on stage and it was kind of amazing. The rest of the comedians were solid. The girl who won Last Comic Standing is like a really cute funny dude. Forced into internal conflict — much like the plot of the movie Identity — I was left to decide: if she was a guy, would I blow her? My mind remains unable to formulate a response. The comedy show was held in honor of a comedian (dead, I think?)…I didn’t quite understand what the deal was, but Mr. Show alum John Ennis was really into it.
It’s almost February, you know, and I still only have received one entry for the 2nd Annual Swan Fungus Holiday Contestâ„¢. It’s a pretty good entry, but it’s the only one. If you don’t remember what the rules are, they’re quite easy. You just have to get my face (by way of a t-shirt) on a celebrity’s body. I tried to get a shirt to Ellen Degeneres yesterday but it wasn’t meant to be. Also, I keep giving all the t-shirts I’ve made away to people who hear about them or see one and instantly want one. You remember the Official Swan Fungus t-shirt, right? All you have to do to win the contest is ask me for one, take a picture of a “celebrity” wearing it, and e-mail it to me. I use that word loosely. It could be your butcher or the town mayor. I’ll even pay to send your shirt. Then I’ll write it off on my taxes.
To further aid you in your quest to get my face on a celebrity’s body, here’s a little “wish list” of mine to let you know what will be considered strong enough to win the contest. I’ll present my list in the form of a Top Ten.
The Top Ten Celebrities Upon Whose Bodies I Would Like To See My Face
10. A Disney Character – Some hot princess, like the one from Aladdin, or Pocahontas. I would love to see my face on the torso of any Disney female, really. One time in college I found a headshot for a girl who was auditioning for the role of Snow White in Into The Woods. I contacted her randomly and asked her out intending to brag to my friends that I was “banging Snow White.” It didn’t happen, but I’ll settle for seeing my face on her chest. So, yeah. A Disney princess would be great. Just not one of those gay men who work at Disney. That’s not the same.
09. A Toddler In A Tiara – Look, I know a couple reading this have access. I’m not going to say how; I’m not going to say why. I just know that a handful of people who read this page have the ability to — with a minimal amount of effort — get a shirt with my face on it into the hands of a field producer or production assistant on a certain television program that could potentially snap a photo of a child beauty pageant contestant wearing my face. Or, you could simply scour your local newspapers for information on a local child beauty pageant and show up with one of my shirts, then pay a parent to let their kid whore a t-shirt in a photograph. You could also just kidnap a little boy or girl, put them in a t-shirt and a tiara, and snap a photograph for me. I don’t condone child abduction, I’m just saying…
08. A Pornstar – They’re all on Twitter now, apparently. You can find out when Dana DeArmond is going to be at the Nokia seeing Pee Wee Herman or that annoying cooze Sasha Grey is at Spaceland with Billy Corgan…you see where this is going? Just Google around for Pornstar Twitter and you can find out way more than you want to about professional women who have sex for money on camera. I guess you could get really creative and start your own webcam site and make people charge you to watch you finger your dick — or clit, if you’re a girl — then take a picture of yourself wearing a Swan Fungus shirt. You could win. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to return to reading weird Pornstar Twitter pages.
07. A New York Met – Any Met, ever. From Kurt Abbott to Don Zimmer. Bonus points for obscurity. A shot of Wayne Kirby wearing my face might make my jaw drop even more than Darryl Strawberry or Doc Gooden, my two favorite all-time Mets. On a related note, what the fuck is wrong with Omar Minaya trading for Gary Matthews Jr.? Is he trying to convert me into a Red Sox fan? I’m starting to get really, really pissed off, and am actively searching for another team to root for this season. Feel free to share your suggestions in the comments section below. I like the Mariners now that they’ve traded Yuniesky Betancourt. I would have liked the Royals even more if they weren’t so pathetic they actually traded for Betancourt.
06. Judy McGuire, The Frisky Dot Com – She’s a horrible writer for a silly “lifestyle” website that I love to mock. I don’t know what she looks like, but she’d look a hell of a lot better in a shirt with my face on it. Maybe she has an e-mail address that you can find on her website. Maybe if you contact her and tell her about the contest, she’ll gladly accept a free t-shirt. Maybe you work at The Frisky and like to make fun of Judy when see receives her daily Google Alert and sees that I’m talking shit about her. Go on, do it. Put my face on her body and take a picture for me. You know you want to. Judy, if you’re reading this, shoot me an e-mail I’ll send you two t-shirts. One for you and one for that JAP bitch who also writes bad dating articles.
05. Joe Colly – I feel bad about eviscerating you and having some of the bands you’ve reviewed contact me about it. Get in touch, Joe. I’ll send you a t-shirt. Maybe you’ll win the mildly-sought-after Jerky Boys RIAA award. It’d look great in your stupid hipster pad in Brooklyn. You can hang it ironically on a wall at the Pitchfork office. The best part is, when you’re done with the shirt, you can follow around Ryan Schreiber and wipe up all the loads he drops whenever he becomes aroused by the next big thing.
04. A Mistake From Your Sexual Past – Yours, not mine. Although it would be amazing if I posted an ad on every US city’s Craigslist page in an effort to find the nameless girl whose asshole I fingered during a screening of Grumpier Old Men in 1995. This could potentially be the easiest wish (for me) come true. Plus, maybe you could wind up with an amazing story where you rekindle a friendship or relationship with someone who for years was banished to the funny-bar-story recesses of your mind. Go on, call the ex who dumped you in sixth grade because you made a comment about her being hairy. Use a classmate finder to track down your best guy friend who you used one night and then never spoke to again. Maybe I’ll finally get up the courage to contact the girl I left crying mid-intercourse. She might not look too bad in a t-shirt with my face on it.
03. Anyone Involved With LOST – I will literally have sex with you if you get a photo of Walt wearing a Swan Fungus shirt. He’s a special boy. I’ll settle for Matthew Fox’s personal assistant. Sebastian, you don’t count. A crane is not a member of the cast, nor does renting a crane to the production company make you a member of the cast.
02. Bono – Somday, bloody someday…I’ll find Bono wearing one of my shirts. I know I’ve said a lot of nasty things about the little Leprechaun, and he’s never taken notice of me, but I would consider it to be the ultimate humanitarian effort. What the Paris Peace Conference was to World War I, Bono wearing my face on a shirt would be to…whatever this war between us is called. I like to call it the U2 HAVE AIDS War. He probably calls it something else…something pretentious…something at which only Irish people of diminutive stature would laugh. Whatever the case may be, if you find a way to get a Swan Fungus shirt on little Paulie Hewson, you will most likely win this contest.
01. Gail Simmons – Unless, of course, you were to take a size SMALL shirt, and stretch that shit out over the most amazing tits ever created on God’s tittied Earth. I think if I saw a picture of Gail Simmons modeling a t-shirt with my face on it, and it was just a tad undersized, and she was maybe blowing me a kiss…I think I could kill myself and die a happy man. Maybe she’d be wearing a cute little pair of boy shorts, too. Oh, and her eyes wouldn’t look weird. Is that too much to ask? Some quick Photoshop surgery to make her look less like an alien? None of that really matters. If anybody reading this has an “in” with Gail Simmons, use it. I will be your slave for the rest of my life. If you are Gail Simmons and you’re reading this…please, make me your slave. I want to see my face on your body, Gail. You Canadian minx. You McGill whore. Go on, Mmake me the happiest boy on earth. Oh, and cook for me, too. I’m kind of lazy.
US Christmas – The Scalphunters
Zu – Anatomy Of A Lost Battle
The Zombies – Beechwood Park
