Now that December is upon us, we turn to the Year-End list. Across all forms of media, the next few weeks will be filled with cloying fits of nostalgia, hindsight-enriched wistfulness, and even some good old fashioned navel-gazing. Each Friday this month, Swan Fungus will conclude the week with a new year-End list. This week I will be exploring ten noteworthy additions to the great tome that is my collection of Top 10 lists. I’ve already discussed the ten best Swan Fungus top ten lists of the year. The best albums of the year and the best deaths of the year are still to come. Tonight I’m sharing some of my favorite reader comments from the past year.
Holy crap, maybe it was just the move to WordPress.org erasing almost all previous comments on this blog, but I’ll be damed if 2009 wasn’t the most-commented year for Swan Fungus by mile. Almost 2/3 of my lifetime comments were posted by readers this year. Unfortunately, this year contained way more positive comments than negative ones. This makes searching for the best insults much harder. Who knew there were so many of you reading this page who really like me! I feel like Sally Field in…in…Mrs. Doubtfire? When did she give that “You like me, you really like me!” speech anyway? Eh, it doesn’t matter now. Here’s the list!
The Ten Negative Reader Comments Of 2009
Honorable Mention
“Kid, you’re a cock-fag” – Dee – March 15th, 2009
Though I appreciate your use of unusual vulgarity, I do not approve of this comment. I basically recycled a Seinfeld joke and you were upset by it. So tell me, who’s the real cock-fag here? (Hint: you)
“youre a real idiot”, “what kind of a dick are you”, “douchebag.”, “i cant believe what a tool you are” – c bones, b bones – January 24h, 2009
This homosexual tag team (two different IP addresses!) must have been really offended that I “interviewed” an old high school fling. It’s a damn shame they didn’t know the whole thing was staged, and the girl consented to the interview. Odd, their irateness is so palpable it’s almost like…they know her.
10.
“do you like anything?? i guess the problem is not this music the problem is you. do you have family? or friends?? do you feel like if you want to die?? hahaha maybe you do…” – why do you have a blog – September 21st, 2009
A few times a year I am surprised to find that illiterate people have the wherewithal to find this website and leave a comment. If you’re going to try your hand at leaving a negative comment at least take the time to earn a degree first. Shit like this is just laughable.
09.
“thanks for the, um, shoutout. i may be a hipster, as you say, but i also received a fulbright grant to study rap in west africa and work in the music industry with similar artists… so i feel like “stupid†is an inaccurate characterization. also the rest of your item is unfairly heavy-handed, don’t generalize so carelessly.” – awesome tapes from africa – December 1st, 2009.
On the other hand, sometimes having a degree doesn’t make your comment any more biting or effective. I’m not hiring right now, guy. I don’t need you to send me over your resume. This is a humor blog. I make jokes and insult people. You’ve put yourself out there on the Internet. It was bound to happen at some point. Deal with it.
08.
“wow your a dick for uploading The Battle To Heaven…do you have any more songs from the album you’d like to share, because I’m guessing this is the last record you’ll ever review for TRL.” – Dan – February 2nd, 2009
Guess again, guy. Since February I have received several items from Temporary Residence to review (the Grails DVD among others). The label even sponsored one of my weekly polls and offered me a limited edition copy of the new Black Heart Procession album to give away to one of my readers. So, uh…how’s being “Dan” going for you?
07.
“hey you stupid fuck, the movie shrooms is badass. what makes you think people give 2 shits about what you say about any movie. stop writing dumbass reviews about movies “you†dont like. you truly are stupid as shit, get real hobby you fucking douche. p.s. your a triple crown fagget.” – Beasters McCeasters – October 19th, 2009
Something tells me “Beasters” worked on or produced the movie Shrooms. That’s really the only way he could be so vitriolic towards my review of what is easily one of the fifty worst movies ever made. I mean, it’s not Manos…but it’s pretty close. I love his statement, “stop writing dumbass reviews about movies ‘you’ don’t like.” What the hell does the ‘you’ in that sentence mean? This one is mind-blowing and awesome.
06.
“Step aside, music fans! One amongst you will claim to have the ability to discern brilliant, well-developed music from numbing trash, but in reality have no taste whatsoever. A song on a crudely titled “crap tape†because…it’s about God? I don’t think it gets any more narrow-minded than this. I am going to petition to Hypemachine to take you off its server. (P.S.: You are neither witty nor ironic. Please refrain.)” – Anonymous – April 15th, 2009
Ha! Good luck getting me taken off Hypemachine. There wouldn’t be a Hype Machine without me. I mean, I guess Anthony would have stumbled across the idea eventually…but I’m pretty sure my befriending him and helping him out many years ago in a moment of need more than ingratiated me to the man, enough so to easily combat any “petition” you could create. Sorry, man.
05.
“That may have a grain of truth with that salt, but you’re still a mega-douche who spends too much time taking pictures of yourself eating and drinking.” – Derrrick – November 8th, 2009
Oh, I’m sorry I run a personal website that is completely self-absorbed and only sometimes focuses on the music I post. You keep holding people to those high standards, buddy. It’ll get you really far in life. I can just picture you standing up in front of your teachers in school and telling them they’re teaching you wrong. Or getting angry and storming a concert stage because the band didn’t play the song you like. Asking a blogger (specifically this blogger) not to write about his life is about as productive as telling a girl you’re about to date rape that you’re looking forward to her blacking out after she finishes that drink you just handed her.
04.
“i think what this guy is trying to tell us is he is gay. all of these chicks are hotter than anyone he could ever get so he is being childish and posting this garbage. you couldn’t even get a reular chick that looks like these girls let alone a famous superstar.” – james – June 29th, 2009
That’s right, I call ten girls on this planet “overrated,” and suddenly I’m gay. Don’t bother looking up any information about me, or reading any of the hundreds of posts on this website which mention my girlfriend. Just assume I’m gay because I don’t like Megan Fox. I think what james is trying to tell us is he can’t get laid. Look son, there’s a lot of helpful advice on this blog if you want some help laying pipe. I’m here to help you. I’d hate for you to miss such an incredible opportunity.
03.
“If you took a second for air, a brake from the smell of the inside of your own semen painted rectum, you might find watching a TV show in chronological order comes in handy somewhere other than Friends or Seinfeld. I think other people of intelligence will see its referencing as a parallel to “Hank’s†loathing of his immediate environment and as satire through imitation. Overall, its not a story about a writer, but a flawed man who loses sight of what is important and most importantly its about love and the question: is just love alone enough? As for the general plot, I think it is supposed to be a sort of mirroring to Charles Bukowski, who is often nodded to, particularly the novel “Women.†Its a great story of family, albeit rather fucked up, and love that doesn’t come easy. I’m sorry you haven’t seen the inside of a woman’s vagina without first downloading it, but maybe lay off the empty criticism, based off little to no knowledge, and write something somebody can find a connection with. The character is not swimming through a ocean of pointless pussy because is a writer, half the women don’t know his work, but because he is fearless, confident, and passionate. Drink one more glass of Lindemens Merlot before you decide to puke text all over the digital world.” – ego – November 10th, 2009
The only thing funnier than someone defending a horrible movie is someone getting really in depth about why I’m wrong to criticize a horrible television series. I’ve never met a single person who thinks Californication is anything more than pulp crap. Horribly written, horribly acted, period. What’s more, I can’t imagine that someone put so much effort into this comment. It’s a fucking small-potatoes blog. You don’t have to write an entire thesis about my review. You can do what McCeasters did and just call me a fag a few times and misspell some words. Your point will be the same.
02.
“Hey Fat ass (the proof is in the photo of you eating a flipping burrito!) im sorry to hear that you are retarded, have been beaten by your parents, bullied like shit at school for obvious reasons about your face and your evident loserness, are still a virgin, live in a box, and are gay. oh and if you are none of the above and you have no real reason to be such a loser then i think you should quickly kill yourself before you ruin this earth with any more of your crap! thank you for listening dumb ass. P.S when you are reviewing clap your hands and say yeah it sounds way to much like your trying to make yourself sound cool. And by the way isnt your job to talk about the album covers and not the albums themselves? oh wait i understand i forgot your an idiot.” – Andy – August 24th, 2009
The second comment related to my weight. Do you hear that, Nicci!? Maybe I am getting fat. By the time I reach the comment about Clap Your Hands Say Yeah, things are so funny I think this might be the best of the year. When the guy finally makes his point (I hated on a bad band) it loses all its steam. He’s just another indie fag coming to grips with the fact that one of his favorite bands sucks. Trust me, Andy will be at my feet thanking me and begging for forgiveness in ten years.
01.
“Wow, the fact you think Sleater-Kinney sucks, while you laud so much absolutely terrible dreck, indicates you’re even more of a mong than everyone suspected.” – Montag – November 20th, 2009
I’m not going to defend my argument that Sleater-Kinney sucks. Instead I’ll wait for them to prove to me they don’t suck. My favorite part of this comment is not the fact that he chose a person with impeccable taste to insult about their taste. It’s not even the fact that — what the fuck is a MONG? My favorite part is that (apparently) everyone already suspects I am a mong! HOW COULD I NOT HAVE KNOWN THIS!? WHY HAVEN’T ANY OF YOU TOLD ME!? I totally count on you people to e-mail me or leave comments telling me what’s on your mind or telling me what people across the Internet are saying about me. Why is this the first I’ve heard that you all think I’m a fucking MONG? You’re really disappointing me, readers. STEPHEN! STEPHEN IN JAPAN! You’re such a teacher’s pet I would have expected you to nip this whole MONG thing in the bud as soon as you heard about it. But apparently you’re in on it! You think I’m a MONG too!
I’m disappointed in all of you. Shame on you. No Hanukkah gifts for you readers this year. Just lumps of…shame. I can’t afford coal right now so I’ll give you lumps of shame.
Hey, Happy Hanukkah, Jew readers. I hope you enjoyed this top ten list!
