It has begun, people! Earlier this afternoon I received the very first entry for this year’s 2nd Annual Swan Fungus Holiday Contest. Yes, the “celebrity” in the photo is recognizable (or at least was to me) as a somewhat-well-known comedian who has also dabbled in television. I was nervous that this campaign might not work, but I now have a glimmer of hope that I might actually receive more submissions from people who want to win the damned thing! I am anxiously awaiting the next entry, so please don’t keep me waiting until January 16th.
‘Tis the jolly season, and the neanderthals at CNN and The Frisky are happy enough to be blitzkrieging the Internet with articles about personal relationships. I thought the cat ladies who wrote this articles had bottomed out back in October with that dreadful column about text messages and dating. I was wrong! December has been filled with brainless stories about how to tell if you’re bad at dating, what to do if he buys you a gift you don’t like (what stupid spoiled bitch came up with that one?), how to handle a run-in with an ex (which I can solve in one sentence: “If you broke her heart, you can still fuck her”), and even things to ponder when taking an ex back (which I can solve in three words, “Don’t, she’s crazy”). The best one I’ve seen out of these is the, 14 signs you’re bad at dating article filed by Frisky writer Simcha last week.
Her introduction is as self-aggrandizing as a Boomer’s yarn about Woodstock. She thinks joking that she has “never said I love you,” will make her come across as cool. In fact, her statement indicates a lack of value, which will most likely result in her never settling down or finding someone who actually gives a shit about her. Next she applauds herself for giving three guys her number last week! As if that takes any skill at all. If you’re a girl at a bar, a guy is going to approach you and ask for your number. Even if you are not attractive. Probably on a dare from one of his friends. A girl giving out three numbers in one week basically affirms that, yes, she is a girl. Had she actually approached a man and asked for his phone number, or had she gone on a date with one of the people she met, she would have demonstrated higher value. So far, as a woman and as an adviser, Simcha is worthless.
What she should do next is reaffirm her value. Simcha does no such thing. So, what does a dumb journalist do once she has sabotaged her original plan of gaining her readers’ confidence? She feels enabled to lend advice. In this case — much like the author — the advice sucks. Apparently you’re bad at dating if you “can go to a crowded bar and not meet someone.” Why? I don’t know! Apparently we need to meet people at bars to be successful daters. Don’t bother trying if your friend sets you up on a date. Your inability to pick a person up at a bar means you will never successfully date anybody, not ever. Stop trying. You will fail.
According to Simcha, if you can’t dance, you can’t date. She considers a useless physical activity to be a true sign that you are bad at dating. To her, your ability to interact with a person of the opposite sex and win their favor depends largely upon how you conduct yourself on the dance floor. If you do not know how to dance you will not procreate. Your life will be a waste. You will play World Of Warcraft in your parents’ basement until the day you die. Can’t dance? Too bad. No love. No sex. No nothing.
I think my favorite sign of bad dating that is exposed on this list is number four. “Don’t get jealous, get even.” Simcha writes, “Do you have a friend who gives out her number twice as much as you and you don’t understand how? If so, start using her as a wingwoman. And take notes if you like what you see.” Hilarious! So…in order to be good at dating, you either have to be as slutty as your sluttiest friend, or as desperate as your most desperate friend. That’s how I read the statement. Maybe I can’t fathom what she’s writing because she approaches dating from a female perspective, but I’m pretty sure there isn’t any talent in giving out your phone number to a suitor. And not giving out your phone number as much as your friend does is not a sign of you being bad at dating. It’s a sign that your friend is a stupid whore. She’s so starved for attention she’ll gladly offer her phone number to strange men at bars. I’d say a girl who gives her number out less is better at dating, because she might spend more time, you know, using logic to choose which guy to go out with.
Ironically (or maybe hypocritically?) Simcha ends her brainless column with this bit of advice: “Be a lady.” Simcha thinks a lady is good at dating. A lady is polite to her ex. She is respectful, gracious, and she and never burns bridges. Yet, according to Simcha, a lady also only meets guys at crowded bars, dances like an Imperial Russian ballerina, gives out her phone number to as many guys as her most promiscuous friend, sleeps with male friends as soon as she finds out they like her, and is never, ever frustrated by the opposite sex. Keep in mind, Simcha thinks a lady also makes mistakes. She gives every guy she meets a chance. Maybe she becomes the victim of a one-night stand, or a date rape, it doesn’t really matter. She keeps going, marching tall and proud in her best set of heels, strident, casually donating her phone number to every boy she meets. Why? Because she’s a lady, for fuck’s sake! And because that means she’s good at dating.
Huh. Go figure.
