CNN Living runs the most amazing articles. One week their syndicated columnists are giving dating advice, the next week they’re…giving dating advice. I guess the people writing articles for CNN aren’t getting paid for their unique “lifestyle” ideas. Except for Annika Harris, writer for The Frisky. She put together an awesome list of “18 things to teach your sons about women”. I’m going to quickly discuss her list before I provide a brief top ten list of more important things you should teach your sons about women. After all, as a noted chivalrist (is that a word?) I can’t think of another blogger who is better prepared to explain proper treatment of women. It’s all me. I treat women like princesses. Just ask my mom, my sister and my girlfriend. They can vouch for me.
Harris writes in her intro, “We hope to rid the male sex of all the things that make us rant by raising boys with balanced male and female perspectives.” In other words, she envisions an army of pansy boys who aren’t sure whether or not they want to fuck a girl or go shopping for shoes with her. Here are her 18 pieces of advice for mothers to instill in their sons:
1. “Pick your battles”: What, young girls can’t be taught this, either? Is she saying that women always right, and men are only allowed to argue something every once in a while? That’s bullshit. Both sexes needs to “pick their battles” in relationships.
2. “Walk on the outside (closer to the street) of your female companion”: Shit, I was just telling Nicci about this last week. I learned this lesson a few years ago from a friend who told me girls appreciate that sort of thing. Apparently if a car hops the curb it’s better that the guy takes the hit and protects the girl. Whatever. No girl I’ve ever done this with seems to care or notice.
3. “Saying ‘you’re being crazy’ is never an appropriate response”: Nor is saying, “you’re being irrational.” Girls hate that. Even though they’re often irrational. You just kind of have to deal with it.
4. “Cooking, cleaning, and taking care of kids are things men can actually do as well as women”: That’s kind of demeaning. “Men can do it, too!” Whatever. I can’t cook nearly as well as the women in my life, so I rarely try. I can clean. I don’t know about taking care of children, though. It’s doubtful.
5. “Keep backup supplies of quality chocolate in the house for her to raid”: Why, so she can get fat? No thanks.
6. “Buying tampons and other feminine products shouldn’t embarrass you”: What is this, middle school? Who the hell gets embarrassed by that sort of thing? I’ll buy tampons. Hell, I’ll buy tampons, Vagisil and Preparation-H if I have to.
7. “Women like compliments and gifts”: Good to know. I had no idea. I thought they only appreciated insults and theft.
8. “Earning less than her shouldn’t be emasculating”: Trust me, if I marry a woman who makes more than I do I’ll be really happy. There’s nothing wrong with that as far as I’m concerned.
9. “Be on time, even if she usually isn’t”: I try not to say anything when I arrive to pick up Nicci and she’s preoccupied or not yet ready, but she’s not nearly as punctual as I am. I don’t mind.
10. “Don’t be a pouty puppy when shopping with her”: I think the girls in my life know better than to try and shop with me.
11. “Find out what her favorite flower is”: I think I’m lucky because mom, Elissa and Nicci all like lilies. Remembering one is much easier than three.
12. “If you like her, then don’t buy her shoes; it’s bad luck”: I guess it’s a good thing I hate shopping with her. Oh well, I’ll have to remember that one.
13. “Smiling and nodding aren’t the same thing as listening”: Because women always listen? Is that what this one is supposed to mean? I think that’s more general than just being a man-centric issue.
14. “It’s okay to cry in front of her, but keep the blubbering to a minimum”: What is this, the 1920s? Men can’t cry? Fuck that. If we can’t cry, they can’t cry. Now tell me that’s fair.
15. “Personality goes a long way”: Yeah, cause girls love guys with personality. Tell a high school kid with a crush that he won’t end up as “just friends” with a girl if he displays a good personality. Personality never wins. Looks, money, and a big dick usually win.
16. “At some point she’ll be more important than your mother”: At what point is that? When she has to wipe your ass or nurse you?
17. “You will never completely understand women”: The second half of that statement should read, “So make sure they never completely understand you.” That’s the only way to make it fair. A level playing field is the key to a long-lasting relationship.
18. “Oh yeah, and no woman will ever be good enough for my baby”: I don’t know about that one. I like to think that my mom and sister believe there is a girl out there who is good enough for me, but the two of them definitely have some criteria that needs to be met in order for them to accept a girlfriend of mine. While I understand the premise of this statement, I think that to to teach a boy that no one will be good enough for them is closed-minded. #18 is probably a joke, though.
So, that’s their list. Here’s mine:
10 Things To Teach Your Sons About Women
10. They’ll always love their clothes more than you: Because women are superficial and easily smitten, especially when material goods are concerned.
09. It’s not the size of the breasts, it’s the tightness of the vagina: In sex education classes across the country, this should be taught alongside “It’s not the size of the boat, it’s the motion in the ocean.” The smaller breasted girl — although perhaps not as attractive in the eyes of his friends — could have a pussy like vise. Don’t let her get away.
08. Learn to deal with the tears: Women cry. A lot. Deal with it.
07. Get her a pet. It’ll shut her up for a while.
06. Find out what her dad likes and learn about it: That way when you’re hanging out with him you can distract him from thoughts of you trying anal play with his “pumpkin”.
05. If she can’t cook, send her back: You wouldn’t accept a raw filet at a high-end steakhouse, why should you settle for a girl who can’t cook when there are plenty more out there who can?
04. She’s going to lose her looks someday: Sometimes I look on Facebook at girls I liked in high school and they totally look like middle-aged Jewish moms now. It’s going to happen someday no matter how hot the girl is, so you might as well start coping with it now.
03. Date a girl with less-attractive friends: That way you won’t be attracted to them. I’m convinced at least one brief relationship of mine deteriorated because I couldn’t stop fantasizing about her best friend. You’ve probably been there too, don’t lie.
02. Gifts do not equal sex: It’s the sad truth. The earlier you learn this, the less disappointed you’ll be the first time you show up with diamond earrings and go to bed with a hard-on.
01. She’ll never be good enough for you: You just have to work with it and learn to accept it. You probably won’t be good enough for her either. If we all walked around thinking like that, no one would ever pair up and nobody would ever find happiness or love. Let’s all agree that no one will ever be perfect for us, and begin the process of working towards an acceptable future.
Now those are some real life lessons. Get on it, parents. Go forth and teach your sons!
