Swan Fungus reader / contributor Ben still has swine flu. Here’s hoping him a speedy recovery so that I we can read all about how much Sufjan Stevens SUCKED at ATP this year.
Two Boots Night Tripper pizza, you make every meal feel like an orgasm. I’m trying to cut back on my pizza/cheeseburger intake these days, but I don’t mind eating unhealthily tonight as Kasi commented today that I looked “different” before realizing that I’ve lost a considerable amount of weight this month. Oops. It’s hard to remember to eat food. Two Boots plus LOST re-watch (plus last week’s episode of Top Chef) has made tonight quite intriguing. It’s my “Friday,” I don’t have work for two days. My mommy is coming to town Thursday to nurse me back to my slightly-below-normal state of mental health, and softball starts Thursday night.
I spent a lot of time on the phone with my sister today. She’s good to talk to and always has something insightful to say, even if she’s drunk most of her life. She’s working towards being a school counselor so she’s got all sights of psychological theories to share with the world. As I walked into my apartment from work, I mentioned to her that I needed something to blog about. She gave me three choices. She said I should make a top ten list either about then coolest human/animal hybrids possible, the ten best “sights,” or the ten best animal/animal hybrids. I like the idea of combining animals in funny ways to create epic creatures, so here’s my list. Thanks Elissa, you’re the best sister money can buy. See, that’s a joke, because it implies that she was bought — as in adopted — which she was. Zing!
That said, this week’s poll/contest is as follows: Pick one of the hybrid animals from this list, draw it, and e-mail it to me by next Tuesday. The winner will receive an amazing, one-of-a-kind prize. Trust me, this will be a contest that you WANT to enter.
That said…
The Top Ten Animal/Animal Hybrids
Giraffeapotamis – With the squat legs of a hippo and the tall neck of a giraffe, the Giraffeapotamis would be one of the most odd members of the animal kingdom. Within a year of its creation, the creature would be featured in millions of children’s books, and would be a favorite attraction at any local zoo. I mean, think about it. Seriously think about it. How fucking weird would that look? How fucking weird do both of those animals already look? What if it had very narrow legs support a 1.5-3 ton body. That variation of the animal would probably spend a lot of time in the animal ER.
Buffapus – Part buffalo, part platypus. Could you imagine the girth and weight of a buffalo, but with the statute of a platypus, that could breathe underwater? Or maybe you were thinking a buffalo with a weird duck bill and ankle spurs that inject poison into predators and prey. Fuck, poisonous buffalo would be enough to keep me out of the Dakotas pretty much forever. A huge-bodied creature with a beaver tail and little otter feet that could swim underwater would be so astounding it could blow my mind out my dick and make some chick pregnant.
Orangumoose – A moose that walked on two legs and had four long fingers and an opposable thumb? An orangutan with huge antlers and one of those throat-goiter things that the male moose have. Is it moose or meese? I don’t remember. I went to school in Vermont and never saw a moose. I thought I saw one once, but it turned out to be a statue. Funny story: my freshman year of college, my then-girlfriend used to drive to Vermont with my mother to visit me for long weekends. One time along the way they thought they saw a moose. My girlfriend even drew me a really in-depth portrait of what the moose looked like as it was standing next to a little man-made pond. Turned out that was the same fucking statue I saw. What a stupid cunt. She couldn’t tell a real moose from a fake one. My mom probably just didn’t have her glasses on at time, so I can forgive her, but…Jesus Christ, what a dumbass.
Alligostrich – Alligator/Ostrich hybrid animal. The most rock ‘n’ roll member of the animal kingdom. If you think alligators are scary because they can kill you, imagine one that moved as fast as an ostrich. Do ostrich move as fast as alligators? For the sake of creating the perfect animal/animal hybrid killer, we’ll say “Yes”. Conversely, imagine that stout ostrich body on little tiny reptile claws, and instead of laying reptile eggs, it lays delicious ostrich eggs. Then we make bacon and twelve-cheese omelets with them and jerk off into the heavens. Thank you, alligostrich, for these ungodly omelets!
Jaguwalrus – Jaguar. Walrus. The fastest animal on land. The slowest animal on snow. If you think big cats are scary because they’re super-speedy meat eaters, imagine one with fucking walrus fangs chasing you down the street (if you live in a desert in Africa). What would it mean for penguin populations if the walrus contained an appetite for flesh and the speed of a jaguar? Could you imagine that huge fucking body moving at up to 40 miles per hour? Scary, man.
Elefphin – In a world where elephants and dolphins can successfully mate, the elefphin would obviously be one of my favorite animal hybrids. What if elephants could breathe underwater, and made cute little “eee eee eee” sounds, had intelligence levels that rivaled humans, and were safe enough to swim with as long as you don’t have your period!? Amazing. What if a dolphin could walk on land and eat trees, then stampede the shit out of you? Frightening. Fuck me, what if an elephant had a blowhole and a dorsal fin. I smell a new NFL franchise on the horizon. The Portland Elefphins. PS – Its name includes an “f” and a “ph” to make a super “F” sound, even though elephant and dolphin contain nary an “f”.
Rhinocerat – Dude. Rats the size of rhinos. Little rhino sized rats. Rats with horns. Rhinos with whiskers. Either way you combine these two animals, you wind up with something epic. What if you were walking through the Lower East Side at 3am drunk, and this little rhino with a horn rammed into your foot and left you with a bloody gash. Furthermore, what if when you were walking through the Lower East Side at 3am drunk, this huge fucking rat charged at you and killed you? Totally fucked up, right? But all kinds of wonderful.
Cameltoad – Ah yes, the mythical cameltoad. Often spoken of, rarely seen, the cameltoad is still something of a mystery. Sometimes I swear I can see one on the cover of a particular magazine, usually when some really hot broad is posing in a bikini or short-shorts, but I’ve never actually seen one. Cameltoad. Stunning. I want to smell one. Wait, why did I just type that? Awkward…
Crabowl – A crab that could fly, only comes out at night, and eats field mice. A bird that could breathe underwater, and also eats field mice. Either way, this animal hybrid would have one dominant trait: eyes on the side of its head. What if owls had pinchers!? What if crabs cooed!? Holy shit! Somebody get on this hybrid immediately. Maybe I’ll start by making a Mii hybrid of two of the top Mario Kart Wii racers currently in our circuit: Emo Crab and Owl. What would their gay butt-son look like?
Zebrasaurus Rex – No explanation necessary. 10 fucking stars.
Do Make Say Think – Think
Bobb Trimble – The World I Left Behind
The Beatles – Fixing A Hole [Mono]
