Louise is a classy girl. Never one to pass out on a walkway next to some garbage bins. Not Louise. Nope. Never.
In my never-ending quest to interview everyone I know (poorly, I might add), today I sat down with one Louise C. to talk about life, love, alcohol, and television programs. She’s been asking me to interview her for a few months, so after a power-breakfast at Patra Burger I decided I’d let her stew for long enough. She was quite receptive to my advances when I asked if she would like to be interviewed, and I think her answers are pretty good. Even for a girl.
My mom is coming to town for the weekend. I think I mentioned that already. I should have a little bit of time to write, but don’t expect anything really good from me until next week. This would be the perfect opportunity for correspondent Ben to share his thoughts on ATP with us, but he’s apparently still stricken with Swine Flu. Maybe he died? The thought, of course, scares the shit out of me, since he is a relatively healthy young boy. And so am I. If he’s dead, I guess I’m next, right?
Anyway, here’s the interview with Louise. Please enjoy. Oh, and male readers… this lady is single and on the prowl.
EL: [redacted]
LC: Louise C.
EL: How are you feeling? When do you get your test results back?
LC: I decided I didn’t have mono and didn’t need the test results. You know I only sleep about 5 hours a night, and when I sleep any more than that I get freaked out. Call me a convenient hypochondriac. Or maybe I do have mono and I was JUST TOO TIRED to even make it to the doctor.
EL: For a chick with mono you still play a mean second base. Are you sad softball season is over?
LC: I’m sad the non-committal league is over. Getting those texts and calls, “Hey we really NEED you” — I’ll have to seek self-validation elsewhere. But I’m not sad that my real league is over, no.
EL: I’m surprised you can give these in-depth answers from work. You go to an office, right?
LC: I’m a product of the technology generation, Evan. I can multi-task on BLAST. Yes, I work at a PROFESSIONAL office. Where I’ve been told not to dress my age. (I think I failed at that today). I look like I’m 18 anyways. Actually so much so, I was recently a high school grad model for a photo company’s brochure. Complete with cap and gown. The chipped nail polish was just an added bonus for them.
EL: You modeled? You? Modeled? Where can I see this brochure?
LC: It’s just for a small photo company I know the owner of, NO BIG DEAL, kid. It’s not printed yet.
EL: You’re an editor, right? As in…you have a real job. What’s that like?
LC: I’m an editorial assistant on a two-person team for two magazines. But, to be honest, working is a lot like what the unemployed do — on the surface level. A lot of Pandora to drown out aggravating surroundings and people, a lot of waiting until the last minute to get your stuff done; a messy desk that I only clean when there’s something I really don’t want to do, figuring out how to eat the absolute cheapest. The biggest difference is the professional phone voice and the not signing emails with “XO” or “FUCK YOU”. Oh, and that I get to spend thousands of dollars hiring people to do things.
EL: You should make the mistake of spending some of those thousands on hiring me. I’d like to make more money. What does a typical day for Louise consist of?
LC: My days vary a lot–which keeps me sane. I am interviewing people for articles, coordinating photo shoots, attending photo shoots, looking at thousands of event photos, sending photos and files to be designed and edited, writing copy, general administrative tasks, brainstorming article ideas, covering and reporting events, etc.
EL: That sounds quite professional. And here I thought you were a bum, like most other people I meet in LA who only sort of have a profession.
LC: What make you think that?
EL: The alcohol, I imagine. Speaking of which, you’re a notorious boozehound, at least in the five blocks between my apartment and Nate’s house. How did you solidify such a solid reputation?
LC: Aren’t you a writer? You are going to use solidify and solid within four words of each other? Maybe this is why I’m not going to hire you.
EL: To be fair, I’m a hungover writer this morning, Louise. I can use bigger, more exotic words, but I am not exactly fecund right now.
LC: My reputation surpasses Echo Park. But, in reality, you should just thank my genetic code. My dad looked at me at a young age and in his thickest Boston accent said, “Kid’s got a wooden leg just like me.” No one expects a 5-foot tall woman to out-Rage the masses, but I’m up for it.
EL: Why on earth would you move from Boston to Los Angeles, anyway? “Because all the other kids are doing it?” By the way, you could ask the same question of anyone not originally from California.
LC: I love Boston. I grew up in Boston. I went to college in Boston (my mom’s office was on the same street as my dorm), my whole family is there. Talk about premonitions of being a townie. I needed a breather. No one told me about the smog.
EL: Was your mom a fashion maven? Cause girl, you got STYLE! And by “style” I mean it causes nervous emesis amongst the local gentlemen.
LC: [laughter] This is ridiculous. I almost feel like it’s a joke.
EL: What, you were expecting Ed Bradley? Tell me about the time the mailman touched you. Explain it in vivid detail.
LC: [laughter] Shall I answer?
EL: Only if it doesn’t upset you. I know all about post-traumatic stress syndrome.
LC: My mother wears khakis and golf shirts.
EL: Oh, you were talking about the fashion question.
LC: Or…was I?
EL: Well, you’re always in some funky get-up. Explain your style.
LC: Let’s see…no one has ever asked me about my style, but I can see a clear-cut evolution of how I ended up where I am. Let’s travel back to JNCOs and lose 80 pounds of fabric, and think punk…plaid skirts, Dickie’s jackets and the such. Enter the word: poser into the youth vernacular, switch to the normal t-shirt and jeans, then the need to dress more like a woman, but feeling a little too mainstream, and now I think I’m just a blend of all that…expressive, feminine, edgy…is what I aim for. People are afraid to take clothing risks, but its LA and you can pretty much do what you want in terms of how you present yourself so I don’t hold back. WHo knows what I’ll be wearing next year. Or how I will feel about the HOT PINK daisy dukes I’ve rocked the past few months.
EL: Did going to Emerson really help you get a job? I was accepted there as a transfer student and chose not to attend. What did I miss, other than meeting you and Nate years earlier than I did?
LC: Working my ass off to get a job. I did a million internships and wrote a memoir to get a BFA and worked on the Emerson magazine. What did you miss? Instead of a homecoming football game, we have DRAGtoberfest. What was good about Emerson was it bred competitive edge. It’s not like a state school where you end up at a party with a million people you’ve never seen before. There’s the girl from your writing class that’s never going to make it, oh hey, I heard that guy is a SICK DJ, oh and do you see that girl…she was on some mainstage production and totally embarrassed herself, yeah that kid slamming the whiskey…he’s a great writer, but he’ll never put the effort in. It’s impossible to forget your craft at a school where you are only surrounded by people that will be your direct competition in the future.
EL: For all of my lonely male readers whose only dream it is to meet a single female (and I don’t mean unattached, I mean literally one single female) — what does it take to get Louise?
LC: The key to my heart and the Jim Beam distillery are one in the same.
EL: In a world where Louis is president (yes, of the world) what does your leadership mean for the future of humankind?
LC: I was the President of this group called SPAC (Students For The Prevention Of Animal Cruelty) and I stole all the money the students donated to buy postage to send the letters in. I hope that isn’t an indication of what I’d be like as World President.
EL: From the answers you have given thusfar, you sound like a badass. What about the softer side of Louise? Where are your hidden graph paper notebooks with hand-drawn wedding dresses and seating charts? I KNOW THEY EXIST SOMEWHERE!
LC: I’m not attempting to sound badass. That’s embarrassing. Can I re-do the last question?
EL: Of course not.
LC: I have a soft side! I’m sensitive! I watch Gossip Girl and The Hills. And I always cry during Biggest Loser. “Lolita” is my favorite book. I wear heals! I want to have a kid someday! And I want to know the father and everything!
EL: Oh man, aren’t Nate and Chuck total fags? I like reading celebrity websites that make fun of their real life relationship. I hear they love dicking each other!
LC: I hate Dan the most. He’s just as annoying as Jack [on LOST].
EL: Dan talks too fast. And Serena mumbles. It’s the worst. Watching Chuck Bass actor guy act is like watching a moth struggling against a flame.
LC: I hear Chuck Bass got some pretty wretched tattoos. Well, the ACTOR did.
EL: Like an anchor that says “Mom” on it with a heart around it, held together by a tribal band around his arm? …What’s going to happen during the final season of LOST?
LC: AARON! That bastard has to play a crucial part of this season. I have this feeling, however, this season is going to receive a lot of fan backlash. Just like when a girl knows a guy is going to break up with her for good, she’ll start picking out everything wrong with him to make it seem like she won’t miss him when she’s gone. Same deal.
EL: For the record, boys do that too. At least I do. My last question is, if you had to make a list of the ten greatest things in the world, what would it be?
LC: This is in no particular order, but here goes:
01. Dinosaurs
02. Felt-tipped pens
03. Laughing until your stomach REALLY hurts and you feel like Jillian Michaels made you do tons of sit-ups.
04. Dive bars
05. Waves…in oceans and in situations, not so much in hair.
06. Pepsi products
07. Storytelling
08. Finding money
09. Text messaging
10. Family
I kind of want to sub out one of those for “Listening to music on sick headphones”. [laughter] I love my life.
EL: Thanks Louise, you’re an inspiration to people everywhere. Except for crippled people, who can’t possibly attain the success you have!
King Crimson – 21st Century Schizoid Man [live]
Allen Toussaint – Nowhere To Go
Part Chimp – Super Moody
