It must be Top Chef season, because at one point today 67 of 89 people who visited this website — within one hour — searched Google for some variation of “Gail Simmons Tits,” “Gail Simmons Boobs” or “Gail Simmons Nude.” I can only imagine this number will grow tonight, as 14 of the last 20 visitors arrived here by searching for one of those three terms. Hey, I’m right there with you, fellas. I can’t wait for the premiere episode of Top Chef 6: Las Vegas tonight. The food porn will be reason enough to tune in, but the cherry atop the sundae that is my favorite reality show has to be a new chance to ogle my number-one crush, the most breast-iest woman on Bravo!, Miss Gail Simmons. Hey, fuck you. As far as I’m concerned, she’s still Miss Simmons and not Mrs. What’s-his-name. Gail Simmons’ husband is about as relevant to me as the New York Mets this season. I’ve got my eyes on his (current) prize. And let me tell you…my eyes…they’re going to be raping the shit out of Gail Simmons as soon as that DVR starts-a-playin’ tonight.
Way back in February, when the last season of Top Chef concluded, things were going pretty well for Gail and I. Swan Fungus owned the #1 ranking for “Gail Simmons tits,” the #1 ranking for “Gail Simmons nipple,” the #3 ranking for “Gail Simmons boobs,” and the #6 ranking for “Gail Simmons husband.” Amazingly the Google rankings for “Gail Simmons Top Chef” and “Gail Simmons Food & Wine Magazine” were as high as the 2nd page of results. But oh, I was not satisfied. I demanded a clean sweep of all Gail Simmons-related Google searches. I wanted to crack the top ten searches just for “Gail Simmons!” I wanted my future in-laws to Google their daughter’s name and read my love letter to Gail (RIP My Sexual Future With Gail Simmons), call me, and tell me I’m better for their little girl than her husband. I already know I am, now I just have to convince Gail to leave that shlub and get with some other shlub. Me.
Well, there has been some improvement. I’m still #1 in all rankings where I was #1 before. I’ve moved up to #2 for “Gail Simmons boobs,” and #4 for “Gail Simmons husband.” Amazingly, I’ve cracked the first page of Google results for both “Gail Simmons Top Chef” and “Gail Simmons Food & Wine Magazine,” with rankings of #10 and #8 respectively.
I have big news to announce. At this very moment, one of my notes about Gail is currently the #9 Google-ranked page for the search term “Gail Simmons.”
I’m still not satisfied. Why? For two reasons:
1) I’d rather my highest ranked page by the Google search index be the entry where I speak openly to Gail about how her nipples deserve to be “caressed and licked passionately, lovingly and tenderly by someone who is deeply fond of her boobs and would never leave her boobs, not for any other boobs on television or even in movies.” If she could just read that one sentence, I think I’d piss myself from joy. Nevertheless, it appears that my blog entry about Google searches is winning more attention than the actual post it was intended to help. Fuck!
2) Gail is still married, as far as I know. I think I saw her on Top Chef Masters or something, talking about her honeymoon. Or maybe it was last season’s finale. I don’t remember what it was, but that Canadian beauty with the alien eyes and tits that don’t quit certainly wasn’t talking about Evan. No sir, she was talking about her fucking wedding; the day she officially left the marketplace. No longer was Gail just another Canada’s sweetheart gone mad…but…she broke my fucking heart, God dammit. All I wanted was one titty-fuck and I would have died a happy man. Okay, that’s a lie. All I wanted was one titty-fuck plus a photograph of the resultant Hawaii spread across her luscious chest, and also I’d be in the shot giving a goofy thumbs up and smiling like a dufus. That’s all I wanted.
So as this season of Top Chef rolls on, expect a lot more updates about Gail. If you’re following either of us (Gail or I) on Twitter, I’m sure you’ll see some epic banter between us. And by that I mean I’ll post Tweets like the one I Twatted today where I mentioned all the hilarious web traffic and tagged her by name. I hope she saw that one…Oh God, the thought of her reading my Tweets makes me so wet…
Tim Buckley – Once I Was [Live]
Shonen Knife – Super Group
Dale Lloyd – A Degree More Corporeal Than Air
