At some point on my never-ending quest to interview all of my friends, I realized that I had a life before Los Angeles. I thought, it might be pretty funny to interview some people that I met during my New Jersey years. After all, the real interviews with important people I am currently conducting are taking longer than expected to complete. Since some of you readers noted that your most-missed feature was interviews, I knew I’d have to find someone really interesting to talk to if I was going to win back your favor. So, I went to Z. Or, maybe Z. came to me. I don’t really remember how it came about, but we mutually agreed that an interview would be a fun idea.
If you’ve read this page for a while, you’ve probably read at least one hundred different posts involving a character named “Dan,” or “Z.” as I affectionately call him. He took part in most (if not all) of the Obscure References recordings as well as The Best Podcast You Have series. He participated in many, many antics, attended shows and parties, and turned up in his fair share of incriminating photos.
Interviewing an old friend is a lot like fucking an ex-girlfriend. You know how one another think, you can anticipate whether the person is going to move this way or that way, answer as you expected or try to throw you off your game. I know this because Z. and I are both old friends and ex-girlfriends of each other. Awkward? Yes. Does it make for a good comedic blog post? Also yes.
Evan = EL
Dan / Z. = Z.
EL: Define “loafing”.
Z.: Twiddling your thumbs in between 10 to 12 hour sleep sessions. Is that correct? Do I win an autographed something/anything?
EL: Is that what you do? …For a living?
Z.: This inquisition is making me nervous.
EL: Don’t be afraid. Your worst nightmares are about to come true. How did we meet?
Z.: High school, you sat behind me in English class. I think.
EL: Yeah, but how did we meet. Wink wink.
Z.: You called me one day when I was in college to tell me a kid we knew in high school music class had OD’d. That’s when I knew it was serious.
EL: Oh, wow. I don’t even remember that. Did I say it in kind of a “Ha ha!” way, or in a more serious way?
Z.: Serious enough to call me up and turn it into a relationship.
EL: That should put to rest all those awful rumors that I’m a hateful, black-hearted asshole. Did you do well in college?
Z.: I thought my projects were mostly successful. I remember in high school they gave us our class ranking and I was the odd student right in the middle. I was the middle C on the keyboard, academically.
EL: What do you hope to achieve from this publicity stunt?
Z.: The same thing everyone is looking for, better ratings.
EL: How was it that you came to turn Michael Jackson onto painkillers?
Z.: The way you phrase that makes it sound like you’re putting words in my mouth, and for all the shit you give Michael Jackson, he never put anything in my mouth. Leave well enough alone, I say.
EL: Why have you chosen, after years of staunch individualism, to wear a beard like one of those wussy hipster douches? Why don’t you shave like a real man?
Z.: Well, I think it was always meant to be, but my genetics have finally caught up to the trend. The real reason is…I’m trying to audition for Bear Force One as a touring guitarist.
EL: How many ex-RISD fine artists are currently selling your designs?
Z.: Ha! None that I know of, but they certainly are welcome to try! Its companies like Urban Outfitters and Carlos Mencia that are ripping shit of, not other artists.
EL: Are you circumcised?
Z.: Yes.
EL: Do you have many fond memories of the years we spent together in New Jersey?
Z.: I do. Lets see, going to the mall and fucking with people and then hanging out in your basement playing music. It was kinda like high school, part two. Arguing about mic placement for about two years is another fond memory.
EL: Will you never grow out of your “poop-obsessive” phase?
Z.: I plead the fifth.
EL: Will you NOT be performing with Rhys Chatham again this year when he re-attempts his “A Crimson Grail For 200 Electric Guitars” performance in August due to inclement weather?
Z.: I was very proud of my slot as guitarist #69 last year. I hope I keep the number this year.
EL: Do you have any central obsession?
Z.: Skulls. I’m gonna have to go with skulls. They’re cool as hell, we all have them, and I think we, as a species, have lost sight of that. I call it the Numb Skull principle.
EL: Why are you such a staunch racist? Can’t you get any pleasure from watching African American or Latino pornography?
Z.: That’s a very good question, Evan. I’m sure the next one will be even better.
EL: Are you a product of New Jersey/New York culture? Or is New Jersey/New York culture a product of you?
Z.: I’d like to think the latter, but I’m just a cog in the machine, and that attitude is definitely influenced by the former. I’m going to have to say, “Yes.” Oh yeah, and I invented the faux hawk and everyone else ruined it.
EL: Please describe for the world wide web any addictions you might currently be struggling to overcome.
Z.: That’s not a question. You said this would be an interview, and that there would be donuts, and coffee. I don’t see any of that here. The best way to get people to open up is to ply them with donuts and coffee. Sugar wafers, maybe…bagels, definitely. I think it is the best way to get the bad taste of regret out of your mouth. That’s why its such a hit over at Alcoholics Anonymous, and that is all I have to say about that.
EL: What is your favorite shade of blue?
Z.: Baby. “What is your favorite shade of blue, baby?” That could be an awful pick-up line.
EL: Not as awful as, “Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?”
Z.: Or as impractical. You seem to like that one a lot. Using that line and going through with it should be on your list of 101 / 1001, if it isn’t already.
EL: Do you remember the time I tried to pick up a bartender by saying, “You look old. Have you had babies?” I think it was the same night you slipped a condom over my beer bottle when I wasn’t looking.
Z.: Haha, yeah, that was a good one. I also remember you dressing up like a gay cowboy and then refusing to go outside. I think that was around the time of Brokeback Mountain. Rest In Peace my little Heath-bar.
EL: What is fun?
Z.: Fun is, what I got, and I say you remember that. Mhm. Fun is, is what I got. Yeah, remember that.
EL: Do you have a name for your genitals?
Z.: They call me Dan.
EL: What was the last purposeful violent act you committed?
Z.: I stole an American flag. You should have seen the other guy.
EL: If everyone you cared about was dying of a new super-virus, and blowing Jon Spencer would cure them forever, would you do it…if you had to swallow?
Z.: I guess man, shit. It’s better than paying for everyone’s chemo-therapy. And cheaper.
EL: What can we expect from you in the future? Do you have any projects nearing completion, other than your long-running aspirations to be middle class and boring?
Z: Well, I’m getting a band together. Tapes and t-shirts to be made and sold. I’m restrained by a lack of cash flow, but everything is running smoothly. Now I’m just playing shows and trying to figure this promotion thing out.
EL: Do you have any parting words for Swan Fungus readers? Simple words that they might understand?
Z.: Give me freedom, or give me food. Or kill me.
EL: Thank you for taking part in this interview, Z. You might want to get those bed sores checked out by a doctor.
Z.: Yeah, good luck with the dick cheese.
You can listen to The Zlotskies on MySpace (Ha! People still use MySpace!), while sending insult messages to Dan containing whatever zingers you can think of. He especially likes seeing pictures and video of people falling down. It “gets” him “off”.
