Oh, man. Softball last night took a toll on my body. I didn’t fall — or even injure myself — but I’m pretty sure my 26-year-old body doesn’t appreciate me trying to go from zero-to-sixty out of the batter’s box without having performed any pre-game stretches. My quadriceps feel like they’re rejecting my legs, and are very sore today. A full recap of last night’s game will be posted on Monday, because Friday/Saturday/Sunday is always Top Ten/World News/Mix Tape. I guess I could move the news to another, slower day… Hey, does anybody have any cool plans tonight? If not, I’ll be forced to get wasted on my own and listen to records until I pass out in the wee hours of the morning. OK, nobody wants to offer up an idea? Fair enough…
It seems like Top 10 lists are becoming fashionable for websites and blogs again. Every few months, some news organization (like CNN?) forgets that they’ve previously called lists “lazy” or “not true journalism” and produces a series of ’em, I guess because they’re really popular. Blogs are, like, the petri dishes where Top 10 lists are cultivated. Sometimes the ideas are simply dumb, while others are patently ridiculous. As a reader of this website, I’m sure you are aware that my lists are some of the finest and most original in existence. That’s why you continue to return each Friday to read my thoughts. OH! By the way — today is Friday.
This one is going to be very long and very self-centered.
The Top Ten People From My Past I Would Like To Bump Into
10. My High School Principal – We left on really awkward terms. The last (and first…and only) conversation we ever had was in his office on the day of my senior prom. I’m sure I’ve told you this story before. Apparently, in the wake of Columbine (and other assorted school/Internet issues) it became normal practice to single out students with websites and keep tabs on them to make sure they weren’t nuts. And, unfortunately for me, I didn’t know that having the remark “Evan likes to masturbate in front of full-length mirrors and has burn scars on his testicles” appear on a band website would get me into trouble. It led to a really awkward parent-teacher conference. It was the first time my parents were in the same room together post-divorce. The four of us had a conversation about my testicles, and what it means to say things about yourself online. This was in 2001, way before the era of blogs and oversharing. I’d love to sit down with him again today and talk about how I’ve become a normal adult, and show him some choice posts from this website. I’m sure he’d be proud.
09. That Girl I Walked Out On Mid-Intercourse – Speaking of leaving on awkward terms, I wonder what would happen if I were to bump into the girl I pulled out of while she was riding me only to leave her laying in bed drunk and crying. I don’t know about you, but I can’t really perform all that well when there’s a girl riding you and telling you that she hates you at the same time. If she’d wanted to hate-fuck me, she shouldn’t have shown her hand like that. She should have just slept with me and then not called me. That would have made an impact (maybe. If I cared). Getting drunk and initiating sexual contact only to start yelling at me wasn’t the right way to go about making me feel bad. It just made me feel uncomfortable, like I wanted to leave and never talk to her again. So, I did. But part of me (not the penis of course!) really wants to encounter her again and talk about what happened, if only to cause her great embarrassment. I’m sure she has that little nugget buried in the back of her mind now when she’s pursuing a guy. Maybe it even haunts her and prevents her from sleeping with men. Maybe she’s a lesbian now! All these questions and theories…maybe I should just IM her out of the blue like I did with that girl I “interviewed” a few months ago.
08. The Boss Who Stiffed Me – I’ve come close to contacting the guy who still owes me $1,500. I found him on LinkedIn, where I read about whatever his new business is. I thought about calling him — even after almost two years — to ask if he had my money yet. I would have taken him to small claims court by now, but in the process of moving from NJ to LA in ’07 I lost our contract. I don’t think I’d have much of a case. I’ve since changed phones and phone numbers, so the voicemail I kept for over a year which had him saying, “I’ll get you your money, I promise” was deleted. I just want to call him an asshole and a twerp and get on with my life. Someday I’ll bump into him again. He won’t be amused.
07. My Computer Science Teacher – I’m having trouble remembering if somebody recently told me he died or not. Either way, I’d love to see him and call him a fucking piece of shit who ruined my chance at a good life with a real job by convincing me I had no talent as a computer programmer. He flunked me almost every marking period in high school and I kept returning for more, because I loved the idea of being a programmer. I wanted to improve my skills. He never offered me outside help or cared when I had a question. He was too busy helping the fat girl. I wrote a song about him and the fat girl during my junior year of high school. If he is dead, I’d like to piss on his grave and fuck his ex-wife…or maybe I’ll seek out and fuck the fat girl. That would probably upset him more. He seriously loved that chubby bitch. He’d hover over her for thirty-five minutes of a forty-minute class. My friends and I used to time him. He only cared about her. I wonder if he thought of her as his chunky daughter. Either way, I’m really in the mood to go through school records, find her name, and fuck her in the name of tarnishing my old programming teacher’s pristine image of her. I bet she’s a programmer now. I bet she makes bank. She’s probably leading my life…fucking all the girls I wanted to fuck in high school…living in the city…What a cunt!
06. The Girl From That Memorable First Date – Remember that Adventures In Dating story about the “show me your tits” girl? If you don’t, scroll down to the archives of this blog and select the “adventures in dating” category. Then look for Adventures In Dating II. You can read all about it. That chick was really hot and a total slut and I screwed it up in the worst imaginable way. The worst part was, she wanted it. If I ever bump into her again (and if she still lives in New York and visits the same haunts she did 3 or 4 years ago it might happen someday soon) I think it would make for a very awkward yet memorable encounter.
05. The College Comedian – When I wrote for the school paper at Muhlenberg, I was always given the worst assignments. I guess my editor thought that because I was cultured I should cover events like “Singled Out” or a loser freshman who does stand-up comedy for an audience of three people. So I watched this kid do his stand-up act and I wrote in the paper that he had no jokes. He had no presence. He wasn’t in any way funny. He talked about his family life. I didn’t state that he sucked, but it was implied. I think I said, “In a few years he might have enough life experience to construct real world jokes people can relate to.” I thought it was constructive. He got really bent out of shape over my review and wrote an editorial the next week that claimed he was a good comedian…lest I give the whole school the impression that he sucked. It probably didn’t help that I submitted my article with the title, “Wrestler Struggles With Comedy: His Act Has Him Caught In The Ropes!” See, it was funny because he was on the wrestling team. Anyway, he was upset that I was tarnishing his reputation as a funny guy by calling him unfunny, which he was. I’d love to know if that kid is still performing stand-up, or if he’s given up on comedy and become a banker or accountant or something. That would be so Muhlenberg. I should have his editorial framed alongside the one where someone from the housing department berated me for writing a negative review of a campus fundraiser by stating that I was seen leaving the event before its conclusion by “a number of sources.” Yeah, right. Like anyone on that campus knew my face. I stayed in my room for three years playing video games, fucking “dark” girls (not quite goth, but maybe getting there? they also go by “poets” or “female songwriters”) and smoking drugs. I wasn’t at college to make friends or go to campus-wide events.
04. My Last Ex-Girlfriend – After I dumped her she dropped the cheesiest line on me: “You’ll never find anyone who loves you more than I do.” I told her I was going to miss her drama and hung up the phone. Then a few weeks later I picked up the phone and returned a call, thus starting the obligatory eight-month-long period where you can fuck your ex without having to take her back. The last time we spoke was in my father’s driveway a year after we broke up. I remember her throwing a pair of panties in my face and telling me to “keep them.” I don’t remember why. I’d like to find out why. It was about as dramatic as the “You’ll never…” line. Anyway, I’d like to hear all about the guy she started dating a year or so after that — her current husband — and find out if she’s still got a cache of really theatrical, dispiriting one-liners that are intended to hurt people like myself. Also, I want to ask her husband if she’s still a dead dog in the sack, or if she finally grew up and learned how to take a dick without complaining like a nagging Jewess bitch.
03. The Girl I “Threatened” – A few years ago I was seeing this girl who lived with her folks in Manhattan. We’d known each other for many years and occasionally fooled around. Once went to a dingy club and got hammered, ate greasy diner food to sober up, then I drove her home and we fooled around. Two days later, she called me and told me to stop talking to her. I asked what she meant, and she said, “I know it’s you.” I said, “Know what’s me?” She said that she had called AOL, and they said my account had been sending her threatening emails, and that I made a blog specifically about how I hated her and wanted her dead. Imagine trying to process that. 24 hours ago you had my penis in your mouth, and now apparently I’m a maniac who is stalking you online and threatening your life? Yeah, that makes sense. I told her, first of all, that no one has used AOL since 1997, so they couldn’t have my name and IP registered. Second of all, why would AOL know that I set up a blog about her? Clearly she was mistaken. When I tried to reason with her she told me to fuck off and never speak to her again. I was disappointed, because she would have been a good lay, but as soon as we hung up I got really paranoid. I started to wonder if maybe it was true. Maybe when I thought I was asleep at night I was really online blogging about killing her. It turned into this whole A Beautiful Mind meets Fight Club mind-fuck where I thought maybe I went to deserted cyber cafes in the middle of the night to send threatening e-mails with no history on my computer. I almost called her back and said, “Are you serious? Because if you are I’ll seek help.” But I didn’t. I talked to my friends about it and they all laughed at me and told me she was insane. Without getting into the whole, “No, maybe I’m nuts!” thing, I laughed along with them. It still kind of haunts me to this day. I haven’t spoken to her, but I wonder what she’d say if I called her.
Look, it couldn’t be any more awkward than the time that girl accused me of stalking her in middle school, then again in high school, and then I randomly bumped into her at a college orientation, and again on freshman move-in day when it turned out we were living two doors down from each other. Talk about your all-time uncomfortable moments!
02. My 2nd Grade Crush/Girlfriend – The only thing worse than finding out your 2nd grade crush grew up to be supermodel-hot is finding out that she just got married. There used to be a girl who had a huge crush on me throughout elementary school and into middle school. I had a crush on her too, but since boys and girls at that age rarely fuck, I did what any rational 2nd grader does and ignored/insulted her at every opportunity. I went so far as to call her “It” so I wouldn’t have to refer to her by name. Each day when the bell rang and school ended, she would find me and chase me all the way up the hill to where my mother’s car was. I would jump in and scream, “Go! Drive away!” My mother would tell me, “Evan..you’re going to regret this when she grows up to be a beautiful girl,” and she was fucking right. I hate when that happens. She and I found one another again my sophomore year of college, but I was exiting a bad relationship and she was dating some guy her parents hated (typical), so nothing happened. We flirted a little. She sent me photos of herself that proved she was gorgeous. So much so it almost broke my dick right off of my body. In return I probably sent her photos that showed how gaunt I was after staying indoors for months becoming addicted to pills. We lost touch again. Less than a month ago I found out she’s a few years hotter and she’s married. Ugh. I hate myself.
01. ThatĀ Friend From Grade School – I had a friend. For a while he might have even been my best friend. I used to do everything for him. I’d play with him at recess when no one else wanted to. I’d help him with homework and projects. I’d play with him after school when no one else wanted to. Then in late middle school, early high school, I made a lot of new friends. The old friend was excluded from our group because he simply wasn’t cool. Is that dick of me? Maybe, but that’s life. Last year I found out he had become associated with a really good friend of mine, and upon hearing that this friend and I were friends, the kid said, “You’re friends with him? He’s an asshole.” So now I have an ex-friend from grade school telling the world that I’m an asshole, when that’s entirely untrue! I’m not an asshole! I fucking ate lunch with that kid in the “resource room” (where kids with learning disabilities were segregated from the rest of us) once a week instead of playing football with my friends, from 1st to 5th grade! How am I the asshole? I never thought I’d have an ex-friend asshole going around calling me an asshole. He’s the asshole! God, I can’t wait until we bump into each other someday. I don’t know why this bothers me as much as it does — wait, yes I do — it’s because I was never an asshole to the kid! Ugh! Just thinking about this gets me riled up…I need to confront the idiot and set the record straight. I feel like this is that movie where the main guy gets wronged and has to set about on a path to redeem his reputation and credibility. You know the one I’m talking about, right? That’s my life right now.I must retake my good name from some retarded asshole who can’t stop bad-mouthing me.
