Last night there was no softball game. Bye week. Idle. Whatever you want to call it. So, Nicci, Nate, Pat, Louise and I headed to Castle Park to get in some swings at the high-arc softball batting cages. The entire car trip to Sherman Oaks dealt with plastic surgery, and the majority of the trip home dealt with hot famous people. There seemed to be a lot of debate about who was the hottest person alive. This got me thinking, as I claimed Megan Fox was more “trashy” than “hot,” that there are some commonly believed-to-be hot bitches in the entertainment industry that are simply not that attractive. Then I remembered today is Friday! What a perfect idea for a Top 10 list. It’s controversial and it deals with chicks I want to fuck! Perfect.
The Top Ten Overrated Hot Chicks
Note: Given the opportunity (and if I happened to be single, which I’m not) I’d happily sleep with any of these women…once they’ve shown me their most recent blood tests to prove they’re not disease ridden. I mean, they work in Hollywood. I have to protect my dick. Also, I don’t really think anyone out there believes people like Cameron Diaz or Paris Hilton are in any way attractive, so those names have been left off the list due to their obviousness.
10. Eva Mendez – Someone mentioned her name recently and I didn’t know who she was or what she was famous for, so I did what any rational human does and performs a Google Image Search. The pictures didn’t answer who the hell she is or what she does, but they certainly informed me that she is not attractive! If I may cherry pick a few images to prove my point: one, two, three. Whatever this bitch does for a living, I hope it pays well, because she definitely doesn’t have a future leeching off my dick and my embarrassingly miniscule “salary”.
09. Michelle Trachtenberg – She’s probably the least attractive of the unattractive Gossip Girl cast, which features a girl who can only mumble, a decent-looking brunette, and a male actor who looks like a moth constantly struggling against a flame. She has a fat face and bad skin, and her hair isn’t long and luxurious in a way that beckons, “Come on in, run your fingers through these locks,” so much as it says, “Set me on fire and run for the hills.” This isn’t an attractive girl. She looks like any one of a thousand suburban JAPs from across the country who I’ve met before, who might very well have enticing eyes, but the moment they open their stupid mouths you are reminded that they are Jewish and your penis feels like it’s being blocked by an invisible glass wall.
08. Kirsten Dunst – Snaggletooth is basically one of those girls who would be left off the list simply because she is a no-brainer. There isn’t really anything sexy about her, unless your turn-ons include pebble teeth, clammy skin and greasy hair. Nevertheless, people actually think she’s hot. And not just blind people. People who have 20/20 vision and a pulse! I’m as baffled as you are about this one.
07. Sarah Silverman – She gets that “girl next door” vibe a lot. I think people tend to think she’s hot because she’s on TV and she talks like a dude. Unfortunately, this doesn’t matter to normal men, who have blood rushing to their penises at the sight of a woman who makes them want to rip off their clothes, it only matters to stoner idiots who need to see the outdoors a bit more. Sarah Silverman is just another long-faced chick from New England. Yawn. And what’s with those eyebrows? The last thing I want to be thinking when I see a picture of a girl’s face is how insanely rank her pussy is, but whenever I behold those bushy brows I can’t help but think about the humid jungle between her thighs. I hear she has to wax daily, lest her bush grow longer than her pants can possibly conceal.
06. Jessica Alba – When a moderately cute girl starts to get attention for being super-hot, the worst possible thing she can do is shit out a kid. That’s just what Jessica Alba did. Right? Didn’t she just have a kid or something? I don’t really care, because I’m attracted to good-looking women, not greasy bug-eyed skanks. But hey, don’t take my word for it. Keep up the illusion that you’re someday going to meet her and bang out with her. If you want to go to bed with this, or this or this, be my guest. I’ll be over here in the real world getting all the good pussy.
05. Rachel McAdams – Pat was going on about her last night, so I went home and looked her up. I should have known when nobody in the car could remember her actual name that she was a forgettable broad, but it took an Internet search to prove me right. What’s attractive about her? Please, somebody tell me what makes this hot? She’s not helping matters much with her hairy nipples, I’ll tell you that much. I thought she alright in that movie Mean Girls, but then I found out that she was thirty years old playing a high schooler and I got kind of turned off. Then I saw a bunch of pictures like this and my penis wilted like a flower and fell off.
04. Jessica Biel – I always thought she was a dyke, but a quick Internet search taught me that she dated Derek Jeter for a while. So, I guess what I’m trying to say is…she’s a dyke? She looks like girls from UVM I used to smell from across the quad. She looks like the ugly white sibling of that chick from the movie about the Indian girl from that Bollywood flick about a gameshow. Plus she dated Derek Jeter, the biggest homo to play the sport of baseball since Nomar Garciaparra. Come to think of it, she looks like a mom. Not an ugly mom, an attractive mom…but still a mom. If I was alone in a room with her I don’t think I’d know whether to fuck her or to ask her to grill me up some breakfast. She might have a hot ass ,or a hot body, or a hot whatever it is Internet nerds like about her, but that doesn’t make up for the fact that there’s something…wrong…with her face.
03. Halle Berry – What the hell are people smoking when they say this broad is attractive? Meth? Is it meth? I’ve heard good things about meth so I wonder if maybe that’s what it is. Again, just because a girl has a rack doesn’t make her gorgeous. I think I’m biased because I can’t fuck a chick whose hair is shorter than mine. I’ve tried making out with some but I always wonder if when I get their pants off I’m going to see a penis. She’s okay, in the sense that if she walked into a cafe where I was eating I might turn my head to see where she goes, but I’m not going to go home and jerk off about it. I’m not even going to go home and tell my friends about the totally average chick who walked into the cafe. I’m just not going to think about it, which is exactly what I do whenever I see pictures or footage of Halle Berry. I don’t think about it because I don’t care. I don’t care because she’s not attractive. Ya dig?
02. Megan Fox – Cute girl. Totally trashy. Not my thing at all. I look at a girl like Megan Fox — who seems to make all men cream their jeans — and I see a plain chick who wants to appear dark and sexy, but comes across as trying too hard. She’s bland, like a Angelina Jolie vibe — which doesn’t work and doesn’t even make sense since Angelina Jolie is not attractive — and in reality she just looks like a less-attractive version of what Jennifer Connelly looked like when she was young, and also sometimes looks like now as an attractive older woman. Most of the girls on this list are dark-haired with light eyes. I guess that’s the thing men like. Those contrasts in colors that makes a woman look unique. Megan Fox isn’t so much unique as she is pedestrian. I can’t will myself to give a shit about her.
01. Angelina Jolie – Ever since I saw Hackers I’ve been OFF the bandwagon. That’s all I ever needed to see. I left the theater wondering why that ugly dude with the short hair was cast as a woman, and why the leading male would have any interest in him/her/it. Then she grew up and lost weight and got a bunch of plastic surgery and now I’m supposed to think she’s amazing and awe-inspiring and beautiful? No thanks. She’s still the same wonky-eyed, fat-lipped chick she was a youngster, she’s just thinner. Attractive? Most beautiful person in the world? Nah, no thanks. I’ll let Brad Pitt fuck her and be content to fly under the radar, planning my moves to bed an actual pretty girl.
