Genius. One of you assholes — someone using the handle “clamhead” — asked me to compile a companion list to yesterday’s Friday Top Ten exposing to the world the most underrated hot chicks in the universe. Well, duh. Why didn’t I think of that? Oh, right, it’s because I don’t watch nearly enough TV or read enough nerd websites to know many “underrated” hot actresses. Anyone I could probably think of would be too mainstream for you people. Really, I can only think of five babes that I think are “underrated” that might actually work on a list like this. And that’s after working on this list for three fucking hours! Could you imagine what would happen if I’d continued and tried to find five more chicks? I’d either wind up with a bunch of women you’d never heard of, or I would have gotten desperate and resorted to using porn stars or something. Oh God, what a trainwreck that would’ve been…trying to justify how beautiful a girl is when her entire job revolves around being no more than a receptacle for ejaculate. Yeah, that wouldn’t be hard to pull off…
Heh. Get it? I said “pull off” when talking about actresses in adult films. See, jokes like this are why I make the big bucks and you guys don’t.
The Top Five Underrated Hot Chicks
5. Lucy Liu – Often mentioned on this website in conjunction with news stories about robot/human relationships, following her star-turning performance on that one episode of Futurama that made me fall in love with her. I think the only movie I’ve ever actually seen her in was the first part of Kill Bill, and she looked even better there than she did on an animated television program! According to WikiPedia, she’s 40 years old, which says a lot about me. Apparently I’m totally okay with putting my penis inside a woman who was born in the ’60s! Something about that grosses me out, but it’s also kind of hot? Should the fact that she’s forty worry me that maybe her hole is all rotted out from years of sexual activity, or should I stick with my gut and assume she’s very selective about who gets to taste her all-you-can-eat Chinese buffet. And by buffet I mean the vagina and the butt.
4. Emile de Ravin – Before I knew that there was a TV show called LOST, I liked to get stoned all the time and watch really bad movies. One such movie was the modern remake of The Hills Have Eyes, which starred Emilie de Ravin as a chick who wears a bikini in one scene and then runs for her life for the next 90 minutes. I didn’t so much care about the plot as I did the bikini. After the film ended, I raced upstairs to my computer to find out how old this chick was. It turned out she was married, and I gave up on her. Now apparently she’s separated and filing for divorce, which means I’m once again working out my sexual endurance for what will be a marvelous time in bed with Emilie. I’m also currently working on building up my tolerance to Chloroform so that when I get all nervous during “the big moment” and spill a whole bottle while simultaneously grabbing ahold her and preparing the rag, the struggle won’t end with us both passed out on the floor. I will win her heart with sexual assault!
3. Cassie Johnson – I never knew that there was a sport called curling. When people talked about “curling” I always thought it was a euphemism for beating off. But then a few years ago I turned on the winter olympics and there was a team of really hot young american women playing what appeared to be shuffleboard on ice. They kept showing close-ups of this really gorgeous blonde chick who was either the captain of the team or the sister of the team captain, and I could do nothing but watch in horror as my erection ripped through my pants and broke through my television screen. I don’t even know what place the american women’s curling team placed during the winter olympics, I just know that they had a chick on their team who was so sexy she could literally kill someone with my penis from the other side of the globe. That’s what I call a good looking girl.
2. Gail Simmons – Isn’t it obvious? Do I really have to explain this again for all of you? I’ve written here so many times about Gail and her luscious tits that I’m pretty sure if you Google “Swan Fungus” you’ll probably be directed to a page somehow related to Gail Simmons of “Food & Wine Magazine” and her ungodly chest. By the way, Gail just Twittered a few hours ago that she had chicken for dinner and it was “so juicy and delish [sic]. Wish I could fit leftovers in my purse.” Now, in an of itself that isn’t necessarily an interesting “tweet,” but I bet it would take on a whole new meaning if I were to respond @her, “That’s funny Gail, because your fucking tits are so juicy and delish I wish I could cut them off and hang them on my wall!” Hello, restraining order!
1. Ginnifer Goodwin – I think we all knew from the moment we saw Ginnifer in Win A Date With Tad Hamilton!…Ah, nevermind. She’s one of the wives on that show Big Love which I haven’t seen in over a year, but I thought she was the hottest one and, well, I kind of want to fuck her. And by “kind of want to fuck her” I mean I would kill for her. Literally. If Ginnifer e-mailed me and said, “Ugh. My director is being such a dick, Evan. Would you kill him for me?” I wouldn’t even ask if she was joking. Hell, I wouldn’t even ask which director she was talking about. I’d go out and kill every director she’s ever had just to make sure that I got the right one. That includes every TV show she’s ever been on, every movie she’s been in, and I’d even figure out all the other acting jobs she’s had, and kill all those directors too! Then I’d show up at her house (I don’t know where she lives, but hopefully she’d let me know in advance) with my penis wrapped in a big red bow, and present her with a photo album of all her dead directors. Then I’d say, “Would you please take this gift with which I am presenting you know? And before she could scream for help I’d be done and out the door. I think I’d last three thrusts, max. I’d be halfway home before she even realized I was inside her, and I didn’t bother to use protection.
I don’t know, who is an underrated actress or athlete or public figure I could theoretically add to this list? I’m completely starved for ideas on this one. Help!
