Earlier this week I opined about how there are moments in one’s life that signify a person has, well, jumped the shark. Actually, it’s worse than jumping the shark. I declared that there are many, many times in a person’s life when they could (and should) realize that they are utterly pathetic. There is definitely a difference between having one moment when you realize that your life has reached its apex — all that potential energy becomes kinetic energy as you roll rapidly downhill towards your fate — and having many, many moments when you tell yourself (or somebody else tells you) that what you are doing is pitiful. One hurts way more than the other. Everybody jumps the shark at some point, but some people perpetually do inane and woeful things that make the rest of us look at them like the fucking losers they are.
So, I asked you to comment or e-mail me a list of moments or ideas or actions that embody a woeful existence. For example: Sitting down and eating at a Dunkin Donuts instead of just driving-through or carrying-out is pathetic. Nobody eats at a Dunkin Donuts. You’d have to be a fucking idiot with no friends in order to actually have the time (and the strength) to sit down at a tiny donut stand by yourself to eat. On the other hand, playing in a softball league and tripping over second base while going from first to third, rolling over twice, and badly bruising your toe in the process is not pathetic. It’s not pathetic because you’ve signed up for a softball league, and that shows you have initiative, you want to exercise, and you have friends with whom to enjoy the experience. Also, it’s not pathetic because that happened to me last night, and I’m definitely not pathetic. I might be un-athletic and gawky, but that doesn’t mean I should give up on life like the rest of the miserable dolts I’m about to crucify. I’ll write a recap of that softball game when Kt sends me the pictures.
Thank you to those who e-mailed me. You are credited where credit is due.
The Top Ten Signs Your Life Has Become Pathetic
Honorable Mention:
– Starting A Blog In 2009 – “That ship has sailed. If you just now had an original idea for a blog, somebody else has already beaten you to it. Give up and focus on something else.” – Joey
– Obscene Purchases – “The exact moment when you dish out a grand to buy an old piece of vinyl. The building-up to that moment can be quite exhilarating, but on that exact moment it seems the world comes tumbling down.” – Joao, I’ve gotten as high as $350 but I can’t imagine ever dropping a grand on a record. There’s nothing that valuable that I even desire. I imagine dropping that much money on any “collectible” item is equally deplorable, so I agree with you 100%.
– Wearing sweatpants – It stopped being fashionable in middle school, but I donned a pair last night for my softball game. You’d better believe I won’t make the same mistake twice. Sorry, world.
– Classmates.com – “You know that website that advertises all over the Internet? If you’ve signed up for it you are unbelievably pathetic.” – Bob
Note: Why do all my readers have such generic names (not you, Joao!)? Are your parents retarded?
10. Eating At A Buffet – This goes for HomeTown Buffet, Sizzler, Ponderosa Steakhouse, or any of those other chain buffets that line highways across the nation. I can’t count how many Cici’s Pizzas and Ponderosa’s I’ve driven by in my many travels, and each time I see one I shake my head as I pass, because I know that inside that “restaurant” there is a gathering of all the biggest white trash dopes in a ten or fifteen mile radius. Fat people. Sweatpants. Immigrants. Pediphiles. Social outcasts. They’re all well represented at your local chain buffet.
09. Shopping For Deals – If you’re the kind of person that looks at an item in a store and then wonders if they can find it cheaper elsewhere, you are not alone. Many people have the same thought when given the opportunity to purchase something. Where normal people differ from sorry sacks of shit is the point at which a person decides to go home and search online or in a newspaper for coupons or leads that will enable them to save a few pennies. It’s fine for old people to do this because they have nothing left to live for, but if you’re under the age of 70 and you’ve ever found yourself putting something back on a shelf because you wanted to “investigate further,” you’re an awful, worthless person.
08. Signing Into MySpace – “Anyone who signs into MySpace anymore should be ashamed. If you’ve left a comment on another user’s profile within the past year, you should feel even worse. Bands included. Hell, bands especially!” – Stephan, I couldn’t have said it better myself. I signed in a few weeks ago to check a message from a record label overseas, but other than that I can’t think of any reason to use the social networking service anymore. Considering how many shitty bands there are on MySpace, you could go so far as to say “Signing your band up for a MySpace page” is by itself concrete evidence of a miserable life.
07. Going To The Movies Alone – Don’t get me wrong, there are plenty of things people do by themselves that should not arouse pity. It’s alright if a person goes to a concert alone because there’s always a bar there where you can hang out and get plastered. You can go on a trip alone because maybe no one else could get off work or afford it. Going to the movies alone is sad because the rest of the audience consists of families, people on dates, and friends who are about to go out and get loaded. By being in a movie theater yourself, you might as well be telling the world that you have zero friends and nobody you know gives a shit about you enough to sit next to you for 90 minutes. If the “movie” is X-rated, this immediately catapults you into an entirely different stratosphere of pitiful.
06. Late Night Ordering-in Of Fast Food – If you’re trashed in the wee morning hours and you decide you want something to eat, don’t go looking for some shitty take-out menu. Get up and go somewhere. I don’t care if it’s “illegal” to drive in that kind of state — when you’re hammered and its late at night you grab your friends and you go make a scene at some local eatery. You don’t sit alone in your apartment eating chinese food. That’s wrong. It’s not only an insult to 24-hour diner owners across the country, it’s an insult to us normal folk who know it’s better to be loud and obnoxious in public with friends than eating noodles alone in the dark. I haven’t yet decided if it’s pathetic or not to have a tamale guy’s phone number stored in your cell phone, but when I do you can guarantee I’m gonna let Nate know whether or not he’s a loser.
05. Liking the Arcade Fire – I’ve made many, many, many, many, many, many references to how much I hate this band in the past. If you call yourself a “fan” of this “music,” you are leading the shallowest of shallow lifestyles. You can find more depth in a pile of dirt than the music of those pretentious, preening fops. You can actually trace the demise of independent music to the release of that pernicious album about their dead grandparents. They don’t rock. They aren’t in any way inventive. There is no substance and no message. It is all pomp and style. It’s definitely not art. It is bullshit. It’s bad Bruce Springsteen meets a bunch of mongoloid fourth graders.
04. Eating Creamed Corn – Look at this and tell me that eating it wouldn’t make you feel like the biggest asshole in the world. Hands down, creamed corn is one of the most pathetic items ever. Looking at a can in the supermarket is enough to make you depressed. Imagine how taking it home and cooking it would make you feel. Something tells me we’ll never know, because anyone who has eaten creamed corn has surely blown their brains out by now.
03. Drinking Light Beer – I don’t know about you, but any time I’m forced to drink a light beer (Miller, Coors, et al.) I feel like I might as well tear my penis off and surgically create a vagina in its place. It rarely happens because I’d rather drink soda or water than light beer, but there have been at least two or three instances in my life where I’ve been forced into it, and I’ll be damned if those aren’t considered the two or three worst days of my life. I could’ve gotten fucked by three models in the morning, and blown by four more in the afternoon, but if I had to go out to a party later that night and drink a Miller Light the day would be an epic failure. God have mercy on any soul that consumes that piss.
02. Going Home And Jerk Off After A First Date – You might as well just declare yourself sexually inept and slit your wrists. If you can’t get laid on a first date, there are exactly two things you should do. Number one, you should call up some friends and get drunk together and have a good time. Your completely lackadaisical approach to the male-female paradigm will actually manifest itself in these nearly-invisible chemicals that your body will release and — magically — find their way to the girl and make her regret not fucking you. Number two, you should call up another girl who will get you laid, and get laid. That’ll show the dumb bitch who wouldn’t fuck you who the real loser is. Any other reaction than those two specific reactions means you are a loser. If you actually go home and beat off your life has become so pathetic you should just stay indoors and live like a recluse. Don’t bother talking to anybody ever again, because they’ll smell failure all over you. And if you go home and beat off while fantasizing about your date…may a serial killer enter your home in the middle of the night and put an end to your life so your closest friends won’t have to.
01. Olive Garden – Don’t even get me started about the Olive Garden. It’s only the biggest sign of pitifulness ever, so much so that it makes second place on this list seem way cooler. What could you possibly be thinking when you decide you’re going to eat a meal at Olive Garden? Clearly you’re not thinking, otherwise you would realize that there is no purpose left to your life if you eat there. If you’re going to eat at an Olive Garden, you should just give up completely and give into all your pathetic urges. Wear velcro sneakers and elastic-wasit pants. Drink Fanta. Debate yourself on the merits of Uwe Boll movies. Befriend middle school kids without being a pervert. Own a pet snake. Literally anything in the world is cooler than eating at Olive Garden. Even using the world “literally” is more socially acceptable, and that’s one of the top ten worst words in the English language! Olive Garden. Ugh!
