I almost ordered a bunch of free business cards yesterday online, but then I got really depressed because I couldn’t think of what to write for my “Job Title.” What could I possibly say, “blogger”? How depressing. I momentarily thought about putting “comedian,” that way I could tell people, “…because people are always asking me, ‘What are you, a comedian?’ just before they cut my fingers off for not paying my gambling debt.” Then I realized that a business card is supposed to get the point across without raising any questions. That’s when I decided I’m not ready for my own business card yet. Well, to be honest, I decided I’m not ready when I saw the website was charging ten dollars for shipping and handling, which seemed mightily excessive for a small stack of cards. Still, I’m left without a way to “sell” myself to all the random people I meet who could potentially give me money to perform non-sexual services for them. But if the money’s right, I guess I might have to consider rethinking my commitment to non-sexual services.
Now that I’ve stimulated you all with a little pre-blog entry foreplay, here’s a top ten list we can all enjoy!
The Top Ten Ways To Spend Your Tax Refund
Apparently, the average tax refund has been just over $2,700 in recent years. Unless, of course, you’re me or anyone I know. For my generation, it’s more like $500 if lucky. One website ran a poll lately where folks estimated the average refund in 2009 will be — at most — $2,300. So, let’s take a few minutes to see what people can buy for $2,300 in today’s recession-dampened economy.
10. A Trip For 2 To Tahiti – According to the Air Tahiti Nui website, a trip for two departing from Los Angeles next week (and returning seven days later) runs about $1,700. I guess the other $600 could be used for hotels, but I might suggest you spend it on whores. You’ll get way more for your money that way. Plus there are probably places where you can sleep on the beach without being kidnapped and murdered by local gangsters.
09. 2002 Chevrolet Cavalier – This, according to Craigslist, where someone is selling a four-door sedan for exactly $2300. I don’t know the first thing about cars, but if it has four wheels and gets you from point A to area B, you can do much worse than spending that kind of cash on a form of transportation. I guess maybe you could buy a boat. But I don’t know how much one of those costs. I know from Craiglists (North Jersey) that a Jet Ski ’96 Kawasaki costs $2,200…so a boat probably costs more than that.
08. Really Long Mystery Drive – As in, around the country. I did this in ’05 and it cost me about $3,553.85, but I’m sure it can be done for less money. I drove 10,245.1 miles and it took almost six weeks, but it was a great way to spend my time and money. I think you would feel the same way.
07. Take Classes – Try to better yourself, say Pat and Maryn. And they should know, they’re actually getting refunds from the government this year. That makes them way more qualified to dispense advice than I, because I’m getting a fifty dollar refund. Who knows, you might find something you enjoy, and then maybe you can switch careers and make more money! And all because the government kicked you back a few dollars after you did your duty and paid for all their shitty programs that you didn’t vote for and don’t want to see implemented even if you did vote for them. Ugh. Government.
06. Donate To Swan Fungus – What, you thought you were going to get through this list without me asking for money? Well sir, if that is the case, you’ve forgotten that I’m JEWISH.
05. Third World Country House – Who knows, maybe you could even find some really small country that you could buy for $2,300 dollars. At the very least, you can find some remote house or cottage in the middle of fucking nowhere and just live like a recluse for the rest of your days. God, that would be so amazing. That’s exactly what I want to achieve with my life. Be a recluse and live in the middle of fucking nowhere.
04. John Deere 7000 Six Row Planter – See for yourself! Well, don’t see, because there’s no picture. I don’t know what a six row planter does, but it sure sounds fascinating.
03. Beatles – “Please Please Me / Ask Me Why” – The store sold a 1963 original rainbow label VJ 498 45 with thin style print (oval VJ logo, artist name misspelled as “Beattles”) for $2,200. The vinyl was graded VG, which meant it was shiny with some superficial marks. And someone would still have $100 leftover to buy that still-sealed original Japanese pressing of the Citta Violent soundtrack with all that cool, funky Ennio Morricone music.
02. A politician – I don’t know for certain this would work, but I’m sure there’s some hick representative in some rural piece of shit district that could be bought for just over two grand. You could most definitely buy a local politician or council-member for that much money. Maybe you don’t want that developer to build an ice cream parlor with a 20-foot blinking neon sign right across the street from your house. If you went up to a town council member and flat-out offered ’em your tax refund for a “No” vote, they’d probably say, “Mmm…okay!” Try it out. Prove me wrong.
01. Happiness – At least, temporarily. Who wouldn’t love to have an extra $2,300 to spend on anything they desire? Maybe you could just use it to pay down some debt, maybe you could invest it or opening a savings account. No matter what you do with it, odds are it’s going to make you a little happier than you were before you got that refund. So use it wisely, people! You’ll only get it once (per year, apparently, but what do I know, I’m a poor piece of shit).
Jandek – Show Me The Way, O Lord
Velvet Underground – Lady Godiva’s Operation
Danielson – Kids Pushing Kids
A Tribe Called Quest – Midnight
Rolling Stones – The Lantern
