Good Friday, web travelers. No, not the Christian holiday, but a simple salutation wishing you pleasantries as you move from awakening to asleep
Hey! Speaking of religion, yesterday Nicci and I went to take free personality tests and free stress tests at the Scientology center in Hollywood. You can read the full story and see my results on Thursday March 26th at the WFMU blog. I’ll post a link from here to the article; it’s going to be good and funny. Why am I saving up all my silver bullets for a blog that isn’t even mine? Well…I need to get my foot in the door and establish myself as a credible blogger before I subject that audience to the real me. Plus, if I wrote the story for this website, I’d have nothing for them on Thursday. Once I’ve made my presence felt over there, there will be a free exchange of my ideas between websites. Although seemingly on two distinct paths, both Swan Fungus and the Swan Fungus posts at WFMU will eventually join together to form a ceaseless path of Evan-centric writing and ranting.
Here’s something just for you that they’ll never get their hands (and their massive audience) on! A fresh Friday Top Ten list, straight from my mouth to your sex organs!
Wait — that’s not how you “take in” the Internet?
The Top Ten Hilarious Questions Posed On The Church Of Scientology Free Personality Test
(un-ranked, the 10-1 is just an ordering device!)
10. Are you sometimes completely unable to enter the spirit of things? – I’d like to say that this question is oxymoronic, but it’s not. I just wish it was. I love the sentence structure, and the placement of “sometimes” next to “completely”. Although the point of the question is to discover whether or not there are small areas of your subconsciousness that cause you to disconnect from people or reality, it comes off sounding like an unanswerable, stupid question. I think I answered “maybe” instead of “yes” or “no” to this question because what if sometimes I’m only slightly unable to enter the spirit of things?
09. Do you usually criticize a film or show that you see or a book that you read? – The problem with this question is the pejorative context in which the word “criticize” is used. Answering “yes” would make the test taker appear negative. What if my “criticism” of a movie is that I liked the visuals but not the music? That shouldn’t imply that I find fault in everything. “Criticize” has two definitions. It can mean “to denounce” or “to form a judgment.” Scientologists, I guess, prefer to make the distinction that if you’re critical of anything you have a psychological problem that requires attention…which is exactly what happened to me.
08. If you saw an article in a shop obviously mistakenly marked lower than its correct price, would you try to get it at that price? – Two weeks ago I saw a sealed copy of the Earth EP Extra-Capsular Extraction for $5.98 at Amoeba. All the other sealed copies were marked at $11.98. When I reached the front counter, I asked why it was so cheap, and the cashier said it was no mistake. Because of that, I answered “no” to this question. Even so, the Scientology advisor informed me that my test score indicated that I am more irresponsible than responsible.
07. Can you see the other fellow’s point when you wish to? – I love this one. I love “the other fellow”. I don’t know who he is, but I love him. It’s so ridiculous and idiotic. I would hope that everyone answers this question in the affirmative. Understanding is not something we have to will ourselves to do. I don’t listen to somebody speak and say to myself, “OK, Evan…now try your best to see this guy’s point!” Even if we don’t agree with what a person is saying, all of us grasp the other person’s idea, right? This question, again, tries to draw out negative reactions so that test results indicate stubbornness, withdrawn behavior, and aggressiveness. And it succeeds! Because it is poorly worded!
06. Are you prejudiced in favor of your own school, college, club or team, etc.? – Well, who isn’t? How can people function if they are incapable of caring? Are there people who ask themselves, “Should I root for my own school in this competition?” or, “Is it fair for me to root for my college in the NCAA tournament?” or, “Shouldn’t I be less prejudiced against the Phillies when they’re playing the Mets?” It’s an absurd question, and although the correct answer is surely “yes,” in some way that assertiveness could be spun into something negative.
05. Does the youth of today have more opportunity than that of a generation ago? – Obviously I answered this question, “no”. Not because I feel hopeless or depressed (which is kind of what the results showed), but because it’s true. I’m 25, and living through an economic depression. When my father was 25 he was a lawyer at a firm in New Jersey and he continued his education at night in order to earn more degrees. He was already married (for the first time) and had a family. At 25, my mother had been teaching middle school for four years (she graduated early). Neither of them had to worry about debt or student loans, nor did they had to worry about living from paycheck to paycheck. Right now, my friends who make good money are more insecure with their well-paying jobs than my parents were 30 years ago when the cost of living for a recent college graduate was much lower. But, whatever, my “no” answer is “wrong” and it means my reactive mind is ruining my ability to lead a happy life.
04. Can you get quite enthusiastic over “some simple little thing?” – Ingenious! “Some simple little thing?” Who exactly is being quoted in that question? It’s brilliant! There are at least twenty other instances in which the test quotes an unknown entity. For example: “Do the ‘petty foibles’ of others make you impatient?” Why does the test have to distinguish an ancillary character from the questioner? It’s absurd. I love it. “Can you accept defeat easily without the necessity of ‘swallowing your disappointment?'” When I read that one felt like standing up and yelling, “Hey, who told you I can’t accept defeat without swallowing my disappointment!?”
03. Are you perturbed at the idea of loss of dignity – That’s question number 72. Question number 71 is, “Do you often ‘sit and think’ about death, sickness, pain and sorrow?” and question number 73 is “Are you always collecting things which ‘might be useful?'” Number 72 seems a little out of place there, no? Somehow it manages to sound a trifle bit heavy, even juxtaposed to the question about death. The other two questions demand simple “no” answers without giving them much thought. And even though the clear answer to this question is also “no,” it stopped me dead in my tracks. I had to re-read it several times just to come to terms with what I was reading.
02. Do you openly and sincerely admire beauty in other people? – Correct answer: “yes”. My answer: “yes”. But doesn’t that sound a little bit…effusive (if I may use a word that appeared in several test questions)? If I answer “yes,” does it lend the impression that whenever I walk around town I stop people and tell them they are beautiful? It’s enough to make you contemplate a “no” answer even though you are sure you have the correct answer. Again, this is another reason why the entire test is designed to make you fail.
01. Would you use corporal punishment on a child aged ten if it refused to obey you? – My favorite question. No contest. It’s perfect. Corporal punishment against a ten-year-old? A quasi-Fascist reference to refusing orders? An asexual child referred to as an “it”? I couldn’t help but laugh aloud when I first read it. Then I had to repeat it two or three times just to help it soak in. I answered honestly (“no”) even though every fiber of my being was begging me to answer “yes”. If the test had ended with this question, it would have made my day. I could have stood up, gone home and smiled for hours thinking about that one question. Instead, there were still over 100 questions left to answer, and I don’t even know if my “no” response helped or hindered me in any way. Oh well…at least I know there is one more ten-year-old kid out there who will never feel pain by my hand. Even if I flunked the personality test and the advisor recommended I sign up for counciling, I will always feel good about my choice to not abuse children.
