Oh boy! An interactive new article from CNN/CareerBuilder! …Interactive in the sense that it attempts to teach you answers to tricky job interview questions. But the mere fact that the article asks its readers questions gives us the opportunity to formulate our own answers, which might or might not be better than those considered “good” by the author. Of course, when the author is employed by a company whose job it is to help people find employment, one might want to think twice before ignoring their advice. Well, that’s what I’m here for, so let’s take a quick look at the “tough interview questions” we might be asked at our next job interview, and develop our own answers! To read the CNN/Careerbuilder interview answers, click here.
Tough question No. 1: “Tell me about yourself.”
Well, funny you should ask, sir. Funny, because I’m a…person…who really needs a job — and not because I’m a drug addict or anything who’s just looking for his next “fix” (as I say that, I make finger quotes) — because I guess that’s the next stage of my life, you know? I was born, I grew up and went to school and I did well without getting into too much trouble along the way. Then I held down some menial jobs in retail. Now I guess is the time I’m supposed to advance on to some career that will consume the rest of my life, at least until I have children someday, which probably won’t happen because I masturbate too much and I’m sure all my good sperm is going to waste. But I’m sure you already know how that works, right? Eh!? EH!?”
Tough question No. 2: “Why did you leave your last job?”
It might have said on my resume that I left my last job this year, but the truth is I haven’t left the job yet, per se. See, I’m really hoping to get this job, but because of the state of the economy, and the ridiculously high level of unemployment in this state, and this country, I figure its best to stay employed right up until the moment I get this job, at which point I’ll leave the other job. So, to answer your question, I left my last job because you — or somebody in Human Resources — offered me this one.
Tough question No. 3: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
The same place I always see myself — in a mirror! HA HA! Get it? That’s a joke I like to make when authority figures ask me questions like that. It’s probably because I’m really anxious in high-pressure situations, like job interviews, and I always felt like humor is the best way to avoid constantly thinking about how I’m bombing this interview or that interview. So, I’ve come up with this comedic quick-fix, and every time somebody in a position such as yours asks me, “Son, where do you see yourself in five years?” I’ll either answer, “Banging your daughter” or I’ll give the answer I just gave you. Judging by the looks of you, you’d take that joke better than the other one. By the way, while we’re on the topic, I see that picture of your daughter on your desk and I must say, she’s a gorgeous young lady…Oh, what’s that you say? She’s only fifteen? Um…hrmm…Oh well. Can I get her number?
Tough question No. 4: “What are your weaknesses”?
Well, I’m Jewish by birth, so the obvious answer to that question is: Manual labor. See, that’s another joke. But really, my biggest weaknesses are black & white cookies, and The Smashing Pumpkins first two studio albums. Three if you count Pisces Iscariot. My other weaknesses include girls with vaginas who are not ugly, guys with vaginas who look eerily feminine, and girls with penises who are still so super-hot you’d brag about it to your friends if you gave her a handjob.
Tough question No. 5: “Why were you laid off?”
I wasn’t laid off, but I was hoping to get laid on…by your daughter…until I heard she was only fifteen. Now I’m just hoping I can leave your office and walk to my car without being jumped by a bunch of federal agents.
Tough question No. 6: “Tell me about the worst boss you ever had.”
I’ve never had a bad boss. There was one boss who stole $3,000 dollars from me. I shouldn’t say he “stole” it, so much as he just never paid me for the work I did even though I signed a contract and he kept leaving voicemails on my phone swearing that he was going to pay me as soon as he had the money. By the way, never take a job with a guy who is referred to you by a criminally-young girl you’ve been fucking. Their heads are never in the right place, which is probably why they’re letting you sleep with them in the first place. Nice daughter, by the way. I just felt I should say that again. She looks a lot like you. Smokin’ ass, too.
Tough question No. 7: “How would others describe you?”
Hilariously funny. Unabashedly straight. Reliable. Good in bed. Bad with keeping in touch. Equally gregarious and shy. Witty. Hung like a horse. Not addicted to drugs. Not photogenic. Manorexic. Afraid of my own shadow. Always willing to drink a handle of bourbon and get naked just for the hell of it. Trustworthy. On time. Opposed to safe sex. Glib. Intelligent. Creative. Good hearing. Clean. Dirtiest mind on the planet.
Tough question No. 8: “What can you offer me that another person can’t?”
How about a blowjob? Will that get me this job? I went to a liberal arts private college, so it should be a pretty good blowjob.
Tough question No. 9: “If you could choose any company to work for, where would you go?
Whatever pays the most money for the least amount of hours worked. I have this website, you see…and it’s my baby. I want to keep it going for as long as I can manage to stay alive. That’s really important to me. Or something with lots of travel involved where I won’t have to pay for anything out of my own pocket, but I can use company money to wine and dine foreign women, and then buy myself disease-ridden prostitutes when those women refuse to sleep with me.
Tough question No. 10: “Would you be willing to take a salary cut?”
Sure, if you would be willing to set me up with your daughter. That’s another joke! I’m just kidding! But my does she have a nice rack for a teenager. Listen, I’m going to be honest with you because I believe in being honest with everybody I’ve ever met. I will work for you at a reduced salary as long as that salary is more than what I’m making at my other job. Now you answer me one question, buddy. Do I have the job?
