Oh look, there’s a copy of December’s Cosmopolitan magazine next to me, and it happens to be open to a page whose title screams, “45 Cosmo Girl Crises — Solved Instantly!” Yeah, right. I bet I can unsolve all of those solved crises just as immediately as they were solved! This isn’t technically a Friday Top Ten list, it’s a Friday Forty-Five list. We’ll return to our regular schedule next week.
And, oh, by the way, Stephen got the riddle correct. The guy puts both condoms on his dick at once. Then He fucks the shit out of the girl with herpes. Then he takes the top condom off, places it on his night table, and fucks the shit out of the girl with gonorrhea. Before going to high-five his bros at the local bar, the guy has one more chick to fuck. So, he reaches for that used condom and flips it inside out, placing the dirty exterior of one condom flush against the dirty exterior of the other condom. With the clean interior now operating as an exterior, he fucks the shit out of the girl with FULL BLOWN AIDS. No one gets any STDs, and the man can go ice his balls and drink a beer. The girls, by the way, never recover and die. At least, that’s how it concludes in my dreams. Girls die after good sex because they have nothing left to live for other than a life of cooking and cleaning.
Now, onto that Cosmopolitan thingie!
Unsolving 45 Cosmo Girl Crises Instantly
1. Quit Blushing When You’re Embarrassed – “Slow blood flow to your face and neck caused by a runaway heartbeat with breath control. Inhale over a count of six to eight, hold for a moment, then exhale over a count of ten to twelve. Repeat until you feel the hotness dissipate.” – Yeah, well, to re-increase blood flow to your face, just keep thinking about whatever got you worked up in the first place. Or, drink a lot of caffeine, which will make your heart race that much faster. Crisis un-solved!
2. Act Natural When You Run Into An Ex And His New Girlfriend – “Stand or sit confidently. Imagine something that makes you happy. Say you’re running late for something and excuse yourself.” That’s funny, I always thought running into the person you used to love and the significant other they are now balls-deep-inside on a regular basis would be totally unnatural no matter what the situation. If you forget to imagine something that makes you happy — say, for example, by accidentally thinking about “the one who got away”s penis buried inside the moist moistened moistness of his new main squeeze, you will NOT act natural. Crisis un-solved!
3. Deal With A Hangover When You Have An Early Meeting – “Drink orange juice and copious amounts of water instead of coffee. Breakfast with protein and carbs. Use scented body lotions so you don’t stink as you sweat the liquor out.” Too bad eating anything while on a really bad hangover gives you horrible shits. Drinking coffee, orange juice, water, or anything is just going to flow from your anus like a waterfall almost immediately after you add eggs and bacon to your stomach. Gross, right? Yes. Unavoidable? Also yes. Crisis un-solved.
4. Find Out What’s Wrong When Your Car Won’t Start – Actually, this one isn’t even worth quoting, because as far as I know, no women understand what is under the hood of a car. Trying to tell a woman she can find out what’s wrong when her car won’t start is like trying to tell a retard you can teach them to do anything, ever.
5. Spice up your outfit when you realize you’re dressed the same way as someone else – “If her hair is down, put yours up. Roll up the waistband of your skirt. Borrow a wrap from the hostess and feign a chill.” – And risk looking like a complete asshole if you do any of those things. If you’re at a party and you realize someone else is wearing the same thing as you, they’re going to notice also, and they’re just going to make an even cooler alteration than you. They’ll get all the dick, and you’ll go home to your crusty vibrator. Crisis un-solved.
6. Quickly fix your breath when you don’t have gum or mint on a date – “Gargle with water. Use a paper towel to scrape your tongue as far back as you can reach.” – Good luck not gagging and throwing up all over yourself. Vomit smells way worse than garlic. Plus, if you’re on a date, who’s to say your date didn’t eat a lot of garlic too? Calling attention to your own breath will force him to call attention to his breath, and he’ll think you’re making some sort of comment about him. Now you just look like an asshole. Crisis un-solved.
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14. Prevent a romantic advance from a male friend – “Ask him for advice about a dude you have your eye on — even if he’s imaginary.” – And risk upsetting the poor guy to the point where he rapes you? Maybe rape is something the editors at Cosmopolitan think about, but this hypothetical girl sure doesn’t! Crisis un-solved.
16. Improvise when you unexpectedly get your period and no tampons are in sight – “Take 15 squares of TP and fold them in half from top to bottom until five inches long. Form a tube by rolling the paper inward from the sides. Pinch the middle so it makes a shallow V — place this part in your vagina, only about an inch deep. The other two ends go flat against your lips and underwear, and they can fan out a bit to prevent leakage.” – Except there is no way to get rid of the bloody blood spots that have already soaked through your pants, instantly transforming you into the dirtiest, most-epic failure in the history of womankind! Crisis un-solved.
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18. Play It Off After Burping On A First Date – “Say a quick ‘Pardon Me,’ then keep talking as if nothing happened.” – Yeah, only something did happen; something totally unnatural and gross and incredibly not ladylike! He’ll not forget your foul manners, and — if he’s anything like me — he might just fuck your slightly-less cute roommate just to let you know how undesirable you are. Crisis un-solved.
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23. Debloat Your Stomach When You’re Feeling Gassy – “Have a cup of tea with peppermint oil.” – Yeah right, tea will not cut any of the grease out of your system. You will remain gassy. You will fart. Everyone will hate you. You will never get laid again. Crisis un-solved.
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29. Retrieve Info When You Delete An Important E-Mail – “Call your IT department to see if there’s…” – Yeah right, like a woman is going to remember all these important details. Women should only use a computer to re-order cleaning products and to maybe order one of those stupid books about dogs or babies they love so much. Isn’t it just like a woman to screw up something like deleting an important e-mail, then they have to call the IT department — an overwhelmingly male profession — to ask for help. Nine times out of ten, the e-mail is gone forever. Crisis un-solved.
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32. Sober up when you realize your drink was much stronger than you thought – “Scarf a handful of nuts and a piece of bread — the carb/fat combo helps the alcohol metabolize more slowly. Drink a few glasses of water or fruit juice, followed by coffee.” Jeez, what are you women made of pussy or something? Just get in your car and drive, stop being such a faggot about it. The minute people see you “scarfing” any kind of food they’re going to know you’re a stupid piece of shit who can’t handle her liquor. The guy who has been eye raping you all night will try to rape you for real. You’ll get sick or puke. There are dozens of things that could go wrong with the plan. Don’t drink to get drunk when you’re driving, you stupid piece of shit. Don’t go to parties just to show off new shoes or a handbag. You will not solve any crises. Crisis un-solved.
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40. Save face when your credit card is declined at dinner – Doesn’t matter what Cosmopolitan says, nothing is going to help you save face. Whenever a woman’s credit card is declined at work, I give her a look that says I know she’s a dumbfuck shopoholic who max’d out her card at Nordstrom and will immediately say something like, “That’s funny, I just paid that balance,” or “I just talked to my bank about this!” Nice try bitch, you’re bad with money and you’re a complete waste of skin. That is to say, if you could, you would sell your skin for a better credit rating because you can’t stop that compulsion to buy more sunglasses. Crisis un-solved.
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43. Desmillify a bathroom – Again, it doesn’t matter what Cosmo says, because nothing will work. If you light a match, I’ll smell the match and say, “Holy shit that girl just shat her fucking brains out in here!” If you spray air freshener I’ll say, “Holy shit that girl just shat her fucking brains out in here!” No matter what you do, no matter what you try, you will illicit the same response. People are going to think you take the foulest shits in the history of humankind. Crisis most definitely un-solved.
44. Remove a blood stain from fabric when you cut yourself while making dinner – Uh huh…right. “Making dinner.” Is that what they’re calling it these days? Face it, you’re a “cutter,” and you want to know the best way to cover up the fact that you cut yourself whenever you’re stressed out. I can’t believe a reputable publication like Cosmopolitan would stoop so low to cover up the fact they’re advising teenagers how to cover up their emotional disorders. That’s just fucked up. Crisis un-solved.
45. RSVP when you’re asked to a wedding without a guest reply for your boyfriend – “Don’t call and put the couple on the spot. Instead, enclose a nice note with your RSVP saying that you would love to attend but you wondered if your boyfriend could accompany you.” No. Wrong, wrong wrong. Only a fucking woman would think that’s a solution to a problem. Look, your fucking boyfriend wasn’t invited to the wedding because you’re not married and it’s not imperative that you spend every single moment together. It’s okay for you to leave the house without him, even if you’re going to a wedding, which is a notoriously lovey-dovey event. Stop being such a dumb cunt and RSVP with a “Yes,” and go enjoy the wedding. Anything else is stupid, immature, passive, and retarded. Crisis un-solved.
Mono – Ashes In The Snow
Leonard Cohen – Lady Midnight
Zu – Carbon
Mariee Souix – Wizard Flurry Home
