Apparently my web host’s server crashed on the morning of the 22nd.
The company, 1&1.com, was doing a horrible job of quelling my rage and anger, so I decided that after two days without a website that I would attempt to change web hosts. Unfortunately, the new people who were helping me in the transition had no idea what they were talking about (one of them even admitted as much), so I decided that I would stick with 1&1 for the foreseeable future. Hopefully their server crashing was a once-in-a-lifetime deal, and the future of my partnership with them (even though none of them speak English!) will be without any further disruptions.
It’s been hell these last 48 hours. Wednesday and Thursday are both really good days for me to blog because I don’t work and I can commit several hours to hatching a funny idea, or traveling someplace new and interesting. Instead, I spent Wednesday and Thursday this week worrying about my website, trying to fix it, ruining it again, and finally deciding that my plan to switch hosting services was stupid. Also, LOST was on Wednesday night so we had a cute little party and watched the first two episodes of season five. Also, I watched them again last night with Tom. I got nothing done, but it’s fucking LOST! Did you notice how the compass Richard Alpert gave Locke was the same one he offered him when he visited Locke as a child!? Do you think the guys who almost cut Juliette’s hand off were the British soldiers charged with protecting the island for Widmore during World War II? Who is lying between Jack and Ben when both state that Locke never told them what happened after they left the island? Ben obviously is because his account of the events surrounding the last time Ben saw Locke were a lie…(they were together in the Orchid station, but when Ben said, “Then he left,” he should have said, “Then I left, and oh-by-the-way I left because I was moving the fucking island, bitch.” Could Jack simply be playing dumb? He’s done it once or twice before…
So what could I have done with those 48 hours I wasted watching LOST and calling technical support for 1and1 and BlueHost? Oh, I don’t know…I imagine anything is possible, but for now let’s just imagine ten examples of cool things I missed out on, and organize them in a list. I think I’ll call it a “top ten” list. Yeah, that sounds catchy enough. A top ten list. With any luck, soon bloggers around the country will be copying me and writing their own “top ten lists”!
The Top Ten Things I Could Have Done While My Website Was Down (That I Did Not Do)
10. Read A Book – I have Tom’s copy of Cormac McCarthy’s “The Road” sitting next to my bed, but have I read so far as page one yet? Nope. I also have a Charles Bukowski book that Jana got from a mechanic who tried to pick her up while she was getting her car fixed. Have I started reading that? Well, yeah, but I should have finished it by now. All day Thursday I could have read. Instead, I listened to records and complained about my website.
09. Eaten – I should have gone down to the corner and eaten a breakfast sandwich, or gone to the tamale place for lunch. Instead, I didn’t eat all day, then I had pizza on Wednesday night and then leftovers Thursday night. I should enjoyed some luxurious breakfasts and lunches, but instead I was tied to my phone, trying to figure out if it’s better to pay a hosting service with technical support team that speaks English but doesn’t know how to fix a problem, or stick with my current hosting service, which employs a technical support team that doesn’t speak English but can occasionally solve a problem. I didn’t even meet Qdoba Tuesday night with Phoebe. I just went to Birds and had the kid’s plate. Shameful.
08. Drugs – Do you know how long it’s been since I’ve used any recreational substances? It’s been, like, at least six months. I haven’t even found any use for the scattered remnants of my pill collection? I used to not be able to go a day without pills! Yesterday would have been the perfect day to just zone out on some Soma or some Percoset or some Valium…No, wait, it was kind of cloudy yesterday, wasn’t it? I don’t really remember because I spent the entire day indoors. The best pill days are when it’s warm outside and you can just go lay in the grass and be euphoric. I guess it’s also cool to be inside on a cold day feeling all flushed and warm. Shit, pretty much everyday is a great day to tae a bunch of pills. No wonder I abused them for so long…Hang on, I’ll be right back. I have to get something out of my closet…
07. Job Applications – I got my W2 last week from work, and all I can say is, “Wow, pathetic.” I make so little money I’m actually living below the poverty line. I remember in high school I took a class where some rich Asian woman raised her hand and answered, “What is the poverty threshold for a family of four?” with “$100,000?” I wanted to lunge across the room and strangle her. If I wanted to change my station in life, I could either enroll in graduate school or apply for better jobs. Yesterday, I did neither. I spent four hours on hold trying to figure out what was wrong with my blog (my blog, for chrissake!).
06. Stalked A Celebrity – I don’t have any celebrity crushes anymore, but before I moved to LA I envisioned a life of unemployment and excessive celebrity stalking. Mostly under-aged female celebrities, the kind that you often read about being much sluttier in real life than the characters they play on TV or in movies. Like the girl from Thirteen, if she was actually thirteen. I wouldn’t go far enough to get arrested, but I might just sit in a corner booth watching her eat, then maybe drive around behind her to see where she goes next, then maybe accidentally brush past her in such a way that my erection traces the contours of her butt crack. Then I’d disappear into the shadows and masturbate in an alleyway somewhere nearby. Maybe behind her house or apartment?
05. Written A Screenplay – I started working on a screenplay for Pat, and since he hasn’t responded with any ideas or critique it has been sitting untouched on my hard drive for at least a month or two. I’d tell you what it’s about, but it’s such an amazing idea I don’t want to ruin it. Let’s just say there are lots of penises involved. Or maybe a lack of penises? It’s hard to say, really. Anyway, while I was sitting on the phone yesterday I could have written a scene or two or three. Maybe there could have been a scene about a guy sitting on hold trying to get through to technical support. It would have been so meta! Well, it’d be meta if the guy in the scene was sitting on hold and working on his screenplay…You get the idea.
04. Written A Song – Yesterday I played guitar in the garage for an hour or so, making weird space sounds in the dark…but I haven’t written a song in over a year. That’s embarrassing. All it takes is a little focus, it’s not the hardest thing in the world, but I was consumed with other, less important things.
03. Committed A Crime – I’ve never shoplifted before. I’ve never assaulted anyone with a deadly weapon. There are so many crimes I could have committed yesterday, and I didn’t even get one accomplished. I could have burned something down! I could have stolen a car! I don’t even know how, but I had all day to learn, find a car and execute the theft. The fact that I spent several hours being worried that my website being offline and not committing a crime speaks to a larger problem that exists in my life right now: I’m not really doing anything fun.
02. Taken A Cooking Class – All I really know how to cook is an omelet and two pasta dishes. I really need to buy a cookbook and learn how to cook. Until that day, I will not truly be an adult. I’ll just be a child in an adult’s clothing. A woman’s clothing. Because I’m slender and wear tight jeans. The point is, I should have been learning knife skills, or learning how to make something that doesn’t involve a microwave or picking up the phone and calling Hard Times or Crispy Crust.
01. Played Mario Kart All Day – Mario Kart is one of the best relaxation techniques ever. It’s not that I was stressed out all day about my website malfunctioning, but I really could have felt less agitated if I had been karting all fucking day long. It would have been amazing. Instead, I had to wait until after dinner to hang out with Pat and Nate and play Mario Kart for a few hours. In the end, it was relaxing! It was fun! For the first time ever, all three members of the Eat Me Out family stood on the podium together. Pappy Eat, Eat Me Out, and Baby Eat. It was a glorious evening…and everyone looked like cartoon Hitlers.
