One of the goals of my 101/1001 project is to go an entire day without speaking. it might seem like a stupid goal, but it’s actually pretty fucking hard to achieve. Sure, I could sit around my apartment all day when I’m not working and not worry about having to communicate with anybody, but that would not present a challenge. So, I scheduled lunch at Viet Soy Cafe with Ilya and Nick, then a stencil-making project with Nicci. I really wanted to test my resolve, so an afternoon filled with interpersonal activities seemed like the best way to satisfy this challenge.
From the moment I arrived at Ilya’s place, I knew I was in for a rough time. He immediately started making comments and asking questions. I desperately made an attempt to point out the rear of the car at the huge house on the hill that was covered in a giant fumigation tarp (making it appear like some surreal circus tent), but after he failed to notice my gestures towards the rear window of the car, I gave up trying to communicate with him. We drove to Nick’s house (around the corner) and he entered politely, asked how I was doing, and began regaling us with stories about his recent vacation in Mexico. I think he was in Puerto Vallarta? It would have been nice to talk about my two vacations there, but alas I could do no such thing.
The experience of eating an entire meal while not speaking was a bit surreal. Nick ordered for me (I later told him how arousing it was to have him speak for me). I had the usual (jicama spring rolls and the lemongrass chicken sandwich), and I listened to more stories from Nick and Ilya. Following my liberal use of Sriracha on the spring rolls and sandwich I wanted to ask for more water, but I could not, so I did not get any. I thought about reaching over and stealing Ilya’s untouched water, but before I could he reached for it and took a sip, so that would have been in bad taste.
Walking up the block to Hugo’s for an ice cream, I almost slipped up and spoke. Nick was asking Ilya and I a riddle that was on his housing questionnaire at MIT. I could not communicate my desire to have him repeat the question, and when he thought I was asking to hear the answer I uttered, “Nnnn!” which made both Nick and Ilya wonder if I’d just broken my vow.
The riddle, by the way, is this:
One dude. Three women. Each has a unique STD. That is to say, the dude is clean, but one of the chicks has herpes, the other gonorrhea, and the other has FULL BLOWN AIDS. The dude has TWO condoms, and NEEDS to fuck all three woman. The catch is, he needs to do so in a way that ensures he will not catch a single STD from any of the women, and he won’t transfer any STDs between the three women. As soon as one of the dirty condoms touches a second vagina, that disease is considered transferred. How does he do it? Leave your answers in the comments section, and I’ll post the real answer tomorrow.
Anyway, I broke the vow of silence a few minutes later, when dropping Nick off at home. He lives on a narrow street, and some white-haired old woman was parked at the far end of the street waiting for me to move past her so she could continue down the road. As we drove by her, she made some sort of gesture in my direction. Ilya asked, “Did she just (pantomime a man eating out a woman’s vagina)?” and I said, “Idno–” (sounds like “I don’t know” really fast). Dead. Game over. According to Nick (who has studied linguistics for going on — what, seven years?), the statement “Idno” contains three distinct morphemes. A morpheme, I learned, is a unit of language that cannot be further divided; it is one piece of meaning. English words are usually 1 or a few morphemes, so “cat” is one, but “cat-s” is 2.
The point is, I fucked up and ruined my day.
An hour later, I broke my vow for certain when I walked through Nicci’s front door and yelled, “Hello?” at the top of my lungs. She was standing in the kitchen. She asked, “You’re speaking now?” And that’s when I knew I’d lost.
I’ll try again next week.
Number of visitors who have found this page today just by typing in some combination of Gail Simmons, boobs, tits, and nipples: 45. I’d say that’s a success.
Podcast Jack has prepared a second video podcast. You can watch The Best Podcast You Have Vod 2 here.
Stan Getz – I’ve Got You Under My Skin
Grouper – Everyone In Turn
Bardo Pond – No Time To Waste
Lee Hazlewood – Son Of A Gun
