Ah, December. The final month of the year. It contains the festival of Hanukkah, sometimes! For journalists — and to a lesser extent their retarded cousins, bloggers — December is a time for looking back over the events of the last three-hundred-thirty-plus days. Across all forms of media, the next three weeks (plus last week) will be filled with cloying fits of nostalgia, hindsight-enriched wistfulness, and even some good-old-fashioned navel-gazing. Please stay tuned to Swan Fungus each Friday this month as we conclude the week with a new Year-End list. If you are a regular reader you will recall that I like to end each year with three lists: The Top Ten Deaths list, The Top Ten Top Tens list, and The Best Albums Of The Year list. This year I added a new list to the annual routine, Top Ten Negative Reader Comments Of 2008.
The Top Ten Swan Fungus Top Ten Lists of 2008!
Honorable Mention: The Top Ten ’80s-est ’80s Movies, The Top Ten Summer Jobs
10. The Top Ten Baby Names For Boys And Girls – This is technically a top twenty, but I separated the twenty items into two lists, one for boys and one for girls. It might not be the most vulgar or hilarious or creepy list I’ve penned, but some of the names are really funny! “Vagina Face,” “Uzbekistan”, “Elevator” and “Mug”! There’s even a super-cute picture of my baby cousin Hisham. Could you imagine if a child as cute as Hisham walked over to you in his pajamas and looked at you inquisitively, and then you sneered at him and asked, “What do you want, Stalker?” Oh man, what a great baby name list.
09. The Top Ten Excuses For Being Late To Work – This was one of the most-visited lists of 2008. I know that because I see all the referrals from Google and at least one person a day finds this page looking for excuses they can give their bosses for being late to work. Some of the ideas are silly, but others could conceivably work! Think about it…you’re late for a presentation you have to give to the board of directors, and instead of launching into your prepared speech you retell the story of the farmer and his milking machine. Even if you lose your job, you’ll instantly become the most famous former-employee at the company.
08. The Top Ten Pizzas In Los Angeles – Some of my lists are actually informative! This is one of them! The only reason it made the list was because I’m selfish and I want to give it more exposure. I’ve never ranked anything food related before (and I have, let me know). This one was exciting because I was expected a huge response, and all I got was some woman telling me it’s not polite to make fun of developmentally disabled children at the expense of a pizza parlor.
07. The Top Ten Worst Songs Of All Time – Even if you don’t agree with the list, at least admit I’ve got a lot of balls for calling “Hey Jude” the single worst song of all time. This one received a lot of negative responses, and for good reason: I took on some sacred cows. I don’t necessarily think it is wrong to equate “overplayed” or “overrated” with “bad”. Most instances in which people use those words are pejorative. Shouldn’t that be enough to warrant calling a really overrated song one of the worst ever written? I think so. Any one of us could write a list of ten unlistenable, downright-bad songs, but that wouldn’t be nearly as sexy as saying “Smells Like Teen Spirit” is one of the worst songs of all time. Maybe I’m just the only blogger sexy enough to attach my name to it.
06. The Top Ten Best Ways To Get Over Her – I wrote a lot of sexist lists this year. Misogyny is one of my favorite topics for a top ten list, because I immediately alienate a portion of my audience, and it ensures I’ll probably get some response, most likely from Nicci, or Lauren, or Marika, or Gretchen, or one of my female readers. Plus, since most of my readers are men, I like to think that by reading this list they will save themselves pointless hours of self-reflection and depression. There’s always another woman waiting to bring a man happiness. Get over her and get on with your life. As disgusting and rude and maybe uncouth as this list is, it’s supposed to be like a super-intense self-help guide for the period of time directly following the end of a relationship. Use it.
05. The Top Ten Movies That Have Almost Made Me Cry – If I’m not writing about music or hating women, I’m probably writing about myself. Personal top ten lists are usually funny because self-deprecation is endearing, and people love to read about how others hate themselves. That’s why I wrote this top ten list about movies that have almost made me cry. I stop just short of calling myself a gay pussy (also known as a butthole, I suppose) and instead prove my masculinity by keeping composed in a situation where a lesser man might break down and cry. Men who cry during movies are lesser men, no matter what you or your self-esteem-boosting Jewish mother might say. Read the list, watch the movies, if you survive, we can be bros.
04. The Top Ten Fucked Up Things That Could Happen To You Today – What a great list. The entry starts with an awesome, unaltered screen capture from CNN’s website, and ends with being beheaded on a bus. This was written in the wake of that gut-wrenching story about the Canadian guy on the bus who was killed by the passenger sitting next to him. The news stories that were being published around that time were so horrible they actually made me queasy. It was a sick fascination that led to this top ten list. That might be why I like it.
03. The Top Ten Reasons To Go On A Date – A lot of my friends like spending time with me because I can find the silver lining in even the darkest of clouds. Keeping that in mind, I composed a list of reasons why you should go on a date. Even if you don’t want to, there are at least ten reasons why you should. You could get a free meal out of it (like I did whenever I drove long distances to meet girls for dates), you could treat it as fodder for a comedic story (which I always did, see: Adventures In Dating). You could even get laid. The only thing that can keep you from finding yourself dick-deep in some sweet, sweet pussy is your electing not to go on the date. Funny list, right!?
02. The Top Ten Ways To End A Date Early – With that in mind, here’s another hilarious list. A classic picture of an old dude slapping a hot lady is all I need to get me in the mood to write such a list. As someone who has gone on a great number of dates against my will, I can say that any of these concepts could save you hours of awkwardness and embarrassment. I’m the type of person who likes the awkwardness and embarrassment — I thrive on it — so that doesn’t bother me. If it gets to you, just take my advice and your date will be over really fast.
01. The Top Ten Female Idiosyncrasies I Find Attractive – The first list of 2008 was the best one of all, which is kind of depressing now that I think about it. If I remember correctly, it was nothing more than an excuse to make fun of women. I hadn’t officially started dating Nicci yet, so I’m sure my feelings of resentment towards the entire female gender played heavily into the list. Still, I giggle every time I read the title and then the first item on the list is “crying”. Oh man, so true! Women always cry all the time! Isn’t it just the stupidest thing in the world? I don’t get it! Why!? WHY!? WHYYYY!!!??
Ahem…We may never find out why women cry all the time. Scientists have been pondering this question since the dawn of man, and never has an answer presented itself. We can only hope that 2009 will be the year we finally begin to understand its timeless nature. Once we begin to unravel the mystery, maybe we can move on to more pressing issues, like why women buy shoes, and why women always call other women sluts behind their backs.
Happy birthday, mom! You’re old!
Leonard Cohen – Hey, That’s No Way To Say Goodbye
Josh White – Jesus Gonna Make Up My Dying Bed
Calexico – Writer’s Minor Holiday
Alexander Tucker – The Patron Saint Of Troubled Men
Cactus – Feel So Good
