You people can’t take “no” for an answer, can you?
It seems like each year on New Year’s Eve I have to take a few minutes out of my very busy schedule to take you by the hand and show you how to have a good time. Two years ago I submitted five ways to enjoy the loneliest night on Earth (if you can’t get laid — and if you read this website regularly odds are you are not getting laid). Last year I offered five different options for enjoying New Year’s Eve with less than ten dollars in your wallet. So, here it is, December 31st again, and you’re still here looking for advice. Fine, I’ll give you five more ways to have a good time, but this is the last time I’m going to help you. You’re own your own next year. I’m like a the head of the pack, and you’re the wussy offspring, and now is the time to send you off on your own. Will you survive? Will you fend for yourself or will you lay down like a sack of shit and wait for death to overtake you? These are some of the questions you and I are going to be examining in 2009.
1) Follow Everybody Else – If you really don’t have anything to do, call five friends and ask what they’re doing. If some are going to a bar or club, politely decline when they ask if you want to join them (it’s just their attempt to validate their plans — they don’t really want to go to a bar or club). If someone says, “Oh, I’m just going to kick it at a friend’s place,” you should attach yourself to that person like a parasite. The odds are good that the party will contain the three key elements to a not-horrible New Year’s Eve: free food, free booze, and potential pussy. If your friend doesn’t overtly invite you, just ask if you can tag along. Make up some story about how everyone else you know bailed on you. It’s New Year’s so your friend will pity you and invite you along. Total cost? $0.
2) Gas Up And Go – Do you have any idea how cheap gasoline is right now? If you find the right gas station (and you already have at least half a tank of gas remaining) you can fill the tank for ten dollars. Then just drive aimlessly. If you’re in a major city, head for the outskirts and watch the fireworks from a safe distance. Most roads will be empty. Blast some weird tunes (Foetus works well, I hear), maybe smoke a little pot, and just coast through the darkness. No bar, club, house party or any other option will reward you with as much relaxation and serenity as being alone in your car on an open highway for a few hours.
3) Go To College – Aren’t there some schools that don’t entirely shut down during the holidays? I went to a small liberal arts school (which explains oh-so-much about me), but I’m pretty sure I spent two consecutive New Years’ Eves at NYU dorms. Anyway, find some NYU students (or whoever the most obnoxious city school kids are in your area) and follow them back to their dorms. If you don’t wake up with a crusty dick still firmly entrenched in some co-eds hairless twat, you’ve had the best New Year’s Eve you’re ever going to have. Much like Halloween, there’s a weird biological alarm that goes off inside college girls reminding them that tonight is a “big night” and they really need to get laid. Getting pussy on New Years is so easy it should actually be a crime. Unfortunately, rape is already a crime, and it carries a hefty punishment! (PS – Please don’t rape anybody — just get drunk and “see what happens”)
4) Hang Out With Your Family – I know. I know. By spending New Year’s Eve with your family you might as well out yourself as a social retard who can barely wipe his/her own ass without having somebody there to help, but it’s free and it can be fun! I don’t know that for certain — because I’m a fucking incredible, funny, sociable person who would never dare spend such an important party night in the presence of family — but it’s better than doing nothing and being alone when you actually want to do something, right?
5) Those Who Can’t, Blog – Don’t just do something, blog about doing something. That way you don’t have to actually leave home! You can sit on your computer writing a blog post about five cheap ways to survive New Year’s Eve, and publish your post at 11:59pm, then go to bed. That’s what I would be doing if I had no plans for tonight. Unfortunately, I am going out, but in a perfect world I would be siting at home with my laptop, some soda, and the annual “Twilight Zone” marathon on the Sci-Fi network. It would be the best fucking New Year’s ever, but it will never happen. It seems like every year I talk about how much I want to stay inside and watch the “Twilight Zone” marathon, but I never get to do it. I just go out to parties and feel horrible the whole time and wonder what I’m missing by not sitting in front of the TV. Oh, fuck. If I miss the one with the aliens at the diner, or the weird, preachy WWII episodes I’m going to be so depressed tomorrow. That’s no way to start 2009. Fuck me!
Radiohead – Pearly
Do Make Say Think – When Day Chokes The Night
The Make-Up – I Want Some
Creedence Clearwater Revival – Lodi
Vetiver – Roll On Babe
