A new season of Top Chef begins tomorrow evening, exactly five months after the last one ended. Remember when I live-blogged the finale, drunk? Remember how I accidentally clicked on Wikipedia and saw who won five minutes before the episode started? Me too. Ordinarily I would make it my business to be at home in front of the television for a momentous occasion like the new season premiere, but I’m pretty sure that shooting pool at a networking event takes precedence. I mean, I need a better job — one with a salary — way more than I need to watch a television show. Still, I’m excited for Top Chef. Would you like to know why? I’ll tell you why. I’m excited because each week of the show is one less week until the new season of LOST begins (January 21st! Two-hour premiere!).
My enjoyment of Top Chef is not derived from watching talented individuals prepare yummy-looking meals. I’ve never once thought, “Mmm, that sous-vide meat with the Ras el Hanout spices and Foie Gras sure looks tasty!” In fact, I don’t even know why I watch Top Chef. I hate food. Eating has always been and will always be a chore for me; it is something I have to do to survive. I started watching the show during Season 2 because they were showing a marathon one day while I was working out (I used to work out!) and it helped pass the time. Then I realized that, upon returning to my house, I was still watching the show. Before I knew it, I hadn’t left the couch all day. Since Bravo! was airing the finale that night, I decided to ditch my friends and stay home to watch. With my mother. It was probably the gayest day of my life. I’ve seen every episode of every season since then, and I still don’t know why I like it.
It might have something to do with the fact that I envy people who find joy in food and eating. The only foods that makes me happy are a really good pizza or a really good bacon double-cheeseburger. Maybe a wicked omelet…I don’t know. The point is, I’m jealous of how into food the contestants, judges, and audience are. Another reason I watch Top Chef might be because I feel like I’m exploring a distant galaxy. Watching people prepare and eat food turns me into a stranger in a strange land. I simply cannot fathom what I’m seeing. It’s like, “Wait a minute, you can eat a duck? When the fuck did that happen!?” There’s something about watching chefs cook food that makes me feel like I’m trying to solve an impossible theorem. When I’m trying to wrap my head around a dish I see cooked on Top Chef, I feel like that guy who jumps out of planes into the middle of the jungle and has to find his way back to civilization with just a knife and his wits. Or, I might just like the show because Gale Simmons of Food & Wine magazine has an amazing rack and I not-so-secretly want to bone her. Did you know Wikipedia gives women’s measurements? Apparently Gail Simmons measures 36-25-35. Damn, woman!
Whatever my reasons may be, I’m a fan of Top Chef, and look forward to the new season. With any luck, I won’t have to watch another Ass-face like Lisa (Season 4). With any luck, the cast of seventeen contestants this season will not be as inane as last season’s “Bad News Bears.” With any luck, they won’t even remotely resemble last year’s annoying gunt noshers. With any luck, Gail Simmons of Food & Wine magazine will read this and send me a topless photo of her glorious chest. With any luck, you’re still here reading this, my final sentence.
