Today is Thanksgiving. Although I consider myself a budding gourmand, I honestly couldn’t care about this holiday for the first twenty-two years of my life. My crippling fear of food (and a brief dalliance with the twisted disease known as “manorexia”) curbed my appetite to the point where all I could eat was a thin slice of white meat turkey, a side of macaroni and cheese and a warm biscuit. There was nothing else that even remotely interested me. A few years ago I grew a pair of balls (from my butt!) and tried my mother’s stuffing (a phrase that, on it’s own, sounds nauseatingly suggestive). You can only hear that a dish is “world class” so many times before you kind of have to give up your dreams of being an eternally stubborn eater and taste something new. Stuffing singlehandedly opened my eyes to the glory of Thanksgiving. Now my dinner plate usually looks like a slice of white meat turkey, macaroni and cheese, stuffing, sweet potatoes, and a biscuit. Do you see how far I’ve come in three years! Last year I even went to a vegan Thanksgiving (cringe), and sampled all the foods there. This year I’m going to a restaurant (cringe) with Nicci’s family. It seems as if I’m regressing…
I hope you all have a happy Thanksgiving. If you’re traveling somewhere for the day, be safe. If you’re drinking, drink good beers. If you’re watching football, pray for the Detroit Lions. They need our collective positive energies focused on a win in order for them to not become the worst team in the history of the sport. If you’re sitting online reading this website…I’m sorry that you have no life. If it’s any consolation, I’ve written a new top ten list just for you!
Top Ten Things I Am Thankful For This Year (2008 Edition)
10. Mario Kart Wii – If I lived in a world without Mario Kart Wii (and by extension, Nate, Pat and Tom), I don’t know what I would do with myself late at night when people are either drunk or not yet ready to sleep. I thought when I sold my Nintendo GameCube after college graduation that I was done with video games. This one sucked me back in. How could I ever give up Mario Kart? For eight years of my life it was the greatest pot party video game in existence, rivaled only by Mario Party. You could take, like, twenty bong rips and drive really fast in a virtual world with no fear of death and no cops! It was every stoner-dare-devil’s dream! No way could I ever give up Mario Kart. It still holds a very special place in my heart. I am thankful this year that Tom purchased a Nintendo Wii, that Nate took it upon himself to buy Mario Kart, and that Pat created his own mini-Hitler character called “Eat Me Out,” perhaps the single greatest avatar in the history of videogaming.
09. Awkwardness – Nothing in life is more amusing than those precious moments directly following a joke that has fallen flat. My life has been riddled with embarrassing and awkward moments, and without those experiences I would not be who I am today. Sure, there have also been sporadic glimpses of utter brilliance, but really all I care to remember are the horrifying details of the supremely uncomfortable situations in which I have at one point or another found myself. Without awkwardness, I would be an empty husk. I would not be the man I am today. I am thankful for awkwardness because those little moments when I cast aside my crippling fears (about life and money and jobs and all that bullshit) and decide to say the most shameful or uncouth thoughts imaginable in order to make a fool of myself for somebody else’s benefit fill me with happiness.
08. Puns – If I am not making puns–and I mean utterly horrid, convoluted, nonsensical puns–I’m probably not breathing. Playing with words and trying to joke about the different meanings of words or sounds that words make is one of my favorite pastimes. If you have ever been in the same room with me and you are noticing that I have not said anything for several minutes, it is most likely because I am lost in my head trying to figure out what sounds enough like “submarine” to make a wicked pun (brutal dub marine? chub marine? scrub Marie? supper club marine? flowering shrub marine? rotary club marine?). Do you see what I’m talking about? Without puns my brain would literally shut down and I’d slip into a coma. I am thankful for puns because sometimes I make a good one. Mostly I make really bad ones that are even funnier than the good ones (see: Awkwardness)
07. Benzodiazepines – Although I don’t play with them as much as I did in my youth (see: ages 18-24), these little guys (along with their more-dangerous-yet more-wonderfully-analgesic cousins) really got me through some tough times. Clonazepam, diazepam, lorazepam, alprazolam…they all have their specialized functions and they work well in different settings. Thinking about them makes me miss Rob. My point is that I am thankful for the years that I had good friends with ready access to prescription pills, because they (the friends…no wait — the benzos…no wait — the friends….no wait — the benzos!) supported me through some tough times. How “times” were “tough” really doesn’t matter right now (and by that I mean times have never been tough), I’m just thankful that a scientist or researcher synthesized them in a lab somewhere and that I was able to enjoy them during my time here on Earth.
06. Burritos – Without burritos I might still be a malnourished, gaunt-looking freak of nature, and not the somewhat-nourished, not-so-gaunt-looking freak of nature I am today. When my sister graduated from college in 2004, I flew to Chicago to attend the ceremony. It is important to note that from 2002-2004 I was at a point where I loathed food and barely ate. The crippling stomach pains that started plaguing me in high school had reached their pinnacle, and I was growing tired of food in general. I think my weight was hovering around 130 pounds. During that trip to Chicago my sister introduced me to Chipotle. Suddenly everything changed. A few weeks later I got a job at a renowned recording studio in Hoboken and discovered there was a Qdoba nearby. Suddenly everything changed again. Of course, the fundamental changes that altered my diet in the summer of 2004 could also be traced to the new medication I was given by my doctor (which quelled the chronic stomach pains)…but I like to think it was the burritos. Ever since that first taste of Chipotle, I have made to sure to consume burritos regularly. I might eat more burritos than pizza or hamburgers. In four years I have gained at least twenty pounds. The only real difference in my diet has been Chipotle, Qdoba and other burrito stand and taco truck burritos. That is why I am thankful for burritos.
05. Gail Simmons’ tits – On last night’s episode of Top Chef the judges’ table was hijacked by some weird looking scrawny guy who beat cancer and took cooking way too seriously. Just because he had cancer does not make him immune to criticism (and by the way, have you ever heard somebody use the phrase “my father came down with cancer”?). He should not have been on the show. He made a nonsensical comment about s’mores and the mathematical ratio of gooey chocolate and marshmallow to graham cracker, and he generally looked as if he should have been wearing a cape and a top hat, and sucking on a seven year old boy’s penis. He was creepy! Worst of all, he stole camera time from my beloved Gail Simmons of “Food & Wine Magazine”, who will undoubtedly stumble upon this website and immediately call her lawyer to draft a restraining order against me. Gail, baby, if you’re reading this I want you to know that you don’t have to be afraid of me. I’m not a stalker. I don’t know anything about you other than what you’ve said on Top Chef or what’s available on Wikipedia. I just know that I want to be friends with you, and that I want you to like me and accept me and maybe also motorboat me. Please Gail, don’t click away from this website yet. Hear me out. I can’t explain it, but I am drawn to your alien eyes and your fucking awesome boobs. I think it is a deep spiritual connection that you and I share, and I think maybe we should get together and talk about it. Maybe after a great meal and a good, long conversation, you’ll look me in the eyes (I’ll still be looking you in the tits) and say, “Evan…let’s go home so you can play with my unholy chest.” I am thankful this year for Gail Simmons’ breasts because they are all-knowing and all-powerful.
04. LOST – It’s been only fifteen months since Nicci and Nate introduced Ilya and I to LOST. Can you believe that? For how much I’ve written about the show, you would think that I’ve been watching it since the beginning. Not true! I don’t know about Ilya, but in the wake of that hot August night (Neil Diamond reference!) LOST has captivated me. I find myself reading LOSTpedia, Entertainment Weekly columns, I borrowed the Living LOST book from Ian, and I’ve pledged my support for the LOST Time-Loop Theory on Facebook. I’ve become a full-fledged matriculating LOST fan. If you put me in a lineup with people who have loved the show since the pilot episode you wouldn’t be able to single me out as the “noob”. I mean, we’d probably all look like idiots with our greasy faces and unwashed hair and nerdy behavior…but who cares! I am thankful this year for LOST, because the season premiere is in less than two months and before I know it I’m going to return to masturbating feverishly at the thought of a Kate-Claire-Alex-Penny-Evan five-way orgy. Sure, Alex is dead now, but when she was alive she was a hot sixteen year old with a boyfriend I could easily pummel! Also, you just know Penny cries in bed, right? Why is there something hot about that image? I don’t know! LOST! Less than two months away! Thank you!
03. Booze – I love bourbon. I love a good Irish whiskey. I love craft beers. I am thankful for all kinds of booze, but mostly those I like, because tequila is for illegal immigrants and vodka is for fags and women (that’s why they mix it with cranberry juice). If I had to choose between death or a world without Blanton’s, Midleton Very Rare, Pappy Van Winkle’s Family Reserve, Dogfish Head, AleSmith, Port Brewing/Lost Abbey, Founders, Stone Brewing and all the rest, I would heavily consider death. Think about it. For as much as I love sodey pop, I can’t drink it all the time. I try to enjoy water, but I can’t drink that all the time either. All other booze options depress me. I would be living a life without any liquid pleasure (that sounds gross). I don’t want to live in a world where there are no 24% ABV beers oozing down my gullet. I don’t want to live in a world without smooth hard liquors with notes of caramel and spice and slow burning finishes, or complex beers with funny names or ironically pretentious descriptions, like Thirsty Dog Old Leg Humper and Stone Double Bastard.
02. Loved Ones – You know, like my mother, father, sister and immediate family, and my girlfriend, my good friends, acquaintances, and Gail Simmons’ nipples…you know, all those people (and nipples, don’t forget the nipples!) for whom I am thankful this year.
01. You – Without all four of you readers, there would not be a Swan Fungus. I would have given up way back in 2005. I remember the first day I topped 100 unique visits in one day (it was during my first cross-country trip in ’05). I remember the first time I topped 500 unique visits in one day (it was shortly after Anthony’s Hype Machine became massively popular), and I remember the first time I topped 1,000 visits in one day (it was the day after I shared that withdrawn Bob Dylan album). At this moment, the page has 750,000 page views. It is remarkable that somebody who talks about himself and pretends to really hate things in order to draw out the ire of random passersby will soon surpass one million visitors. The only reason that I continue this exercise in futility is because some of you come here every day and leave comments or click on the advertisements or send me e-mails or gifts in the mail. The kindness of my readers allows me to conquer my anxieties about writer’s block and try my best to write something engaging, funny, and informative. The best part is, when it inevitably turns into a train wreck every single god damned day, we all laugh at my stupidity and I can quickly change the subject by writing something horribly uncouth. It’s like none of this even matters. Thanks, readers. I love you all very much. I would thank you individually, but I would most definitely forget someone. I’ll just say “Thank you to you who has read this today.” You know who you are. You’re the good guys, and good guys always win! Because they have friends.
Although completely unintentional, I think this contained some of the all-time creepiest lines I have ever composed. I don’t know what has come over me. I think it’s the lack of mom’s home cooking in my diet. My brain is weakening. My stomach is tightening. My thoughts are turning unpleasant, like ranch dressing left out in the sun…
