Ironic that the first e-mail I opened today said (in all caps), “Go to hell you homophobic piece of shit, talking crap about Heath Ledger. You still haven’t gotten over your girlfriend having a crush on him, huh? Deal with it. He’s an icon now and he will be nominated and might win, so suck it!!!!” I just got off the phone with someone who called me “The nicest guy in the world, like, seriously.” Why? Because I found his wallet in the middle of the street when I was walking into my apartment last night, and now I’m returning it to him. I even called his credit card company and the drug/alcohol rehab center where he works to try and let him know that his wallet was intact and I was trying to find its rightful owner. So, there you have it. I’m either the world’s nicest person, or a piece of shit, depending on who you talk to. I guess that’s the most anyone can ask for in life.
By the way, Heath Ledger was gay? I totally thought he had a wife and a kid when he died. And if he was gay, why would my girlfriend have a crush on him? And why would I feel threatened about her having a crush on a gay guy? I don’t have a problem with her crush on the guy who played Boone on Lost because I know he’s gay…That e-mail calling me a homophobe because I made fun of Heath Ledger is literally the most retarded piece of hate-mail I’ve received in months.
So, back to this wallet, which is now sitting in front of me while I work, taunting me, whispering sweet nothings into my ear about how I should have taken the cash and mailed it anonymously or dropped it off at the guy’s address under cover of darkness. I mean, it had $100 in there. If you lost your wallet, and it contained a crisp $100 bill and six credit cards, what would you rather have back, the cards or the hundred dollars? Those cards are worth thousands. By only taking $100 I’d be doing the guy a favor.
In instances such as these I like to think back to an Emo Phillips quote I once heard. Emo said, “I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.” So, last night I crawled into bed and thought about keeping the hundred dollars. When I woke up this morning, I decided to do the right thing and return everything. Why? Because — please don’t laugh at this — I’m hoping that some good karma will soon come my way. I don’t know why…I don’t even believe in fucking karma. But, I swear to God, I actually told myself that if I did the right thing, it would come back to me in the future. I don’t fucking know. Maybe I am actually a good person.
TOP TEN REASONS I’M ACTUALLY A GOOD PERSON
10. I’ll Return A Lost Wallet – This one is obvious, because it’s what today’s blog entry is dedicated to. If I find a wallet in the street, I’ll call the person’s credit card company and tell them my full name, address and telephone number without hesitation, and assert that everything is as it was the moment I found it. I will not take cash and tell the person I found the wallet without any cash. I’ll even tell the person (why? I don’t know) that I’ll drive over to their apartment to drop it off. Hopefully when this dumbass calls I can change that… because he lost his fucking wallet and I’m returning it, why should I go out of my way to bring it back to him like a god damned limo service.
09. I Love Animals – It’s true. Just look at these two pictures of my dogs, Sprocket and Muppet. The little white one, Muppet, died shortly before I moved to L.A. and I cry whenever someone mentions her. I also cry each time I see the “Jurassic Bark” episode of Futurama. Tell me these pictures were taken by someone who is cruel to animals. As sure as I’m sitting here breathing right now, I love animals.
08. I Babysat In High School – Almost every Saturday night for three years. My steady gig was for a family that lived around the corner from my father, who had a son in fifth grade. They used to eat fancy dinners or go to classical music performances, and they did not like to leave their son home alone because their house had been burglarized several times. My other babysitting gig was more sporadic, and it was for a family who had an autistic child. That’s right. I, the person who throws around the word “retard” like it’s going out of style, used to care for an autistic child. And I enjoyed it. While my friends were out drinking and getting high, I was looking after children, shaping their impressionable minds, and learning a thing or two about responsibility. If the parents arrived home early enough, I would then meet my friends and get drunk and high with them. Oh man, high school was such a PARTY!!!
07. I’ve Loved An Overweight Girl – And by that I mean I fucked her! I guess by modern standards she wasn’t that overweight, but she had a good twenty or thirty pounds on the next heftiest girl I’ve boned. See, I’m a non-discriminatory lover. I’ve been with a French girl even though I hate the French. I’ve been with Jews even though I hate Jews (because I am one). I even had a crush on an girl from El Salvador! Yup…just about the only kind of girl I haven’t loved would be an African American girl. Why? Because black and white works best as two sides of a delicious cookie, not as a semen-covered black girl’s vagina. I’m also not racist. I promise.
06. I Love My Family – Most twentysomething hipsters like to pretend they’ve X’d their entire family, and that they’re all a bunch of losers who never understood them, and who actively try to thwart them at every possible moment. These people are both morons and liars. My family has done nothing but supported me in all of my endeavors. They even support me monetarily sometimes, especially when I had to move home after college because I didn’t have a job. Even now, if I’m having a bad month they’ll offer to pay for a meal or a tank of gas. They’ve even offered to pay my cheap-as-hell rent for me once or twice in the past 18 months. Why? It’s certainly not because I’m a pathetic loser with no prospects (right? RIGHT?). It’s because I show them respect and love, like a good son is supposed to. Hell, I even love my older sister, even though she still lives at home and watches VH1 and MTV all day. 26 years old and she still loves that crap. God bless her.
05. I’ve Never Raped Anyone – It’s true. I might have fingered a stoned chick or two in high school, or had some unmemorable drunken sex with a mutually drunken partner, but I’ve never once raped anybody. Do you know why? Well, aside from the illegality issue, there’s the simple fact that I’m a good guy, and good guys don’t go around raping people. It’s just frowned upon. I would say that it is definitely a sign of a bad person. I’ve never committed statitory rape before either. I just think I should point that out because I called an 8-year-old girl sexy yesterday and I don’t want to give anybody the wrong idea about me.
04. I Only Cheated In School Once – I was out of school during my sophomore year for a few days, and I missed a Chemistry test. When I returned from my absence I’d forgotten all about the test, and hadn’t studied for it. Rather than admit to not studying (which is something bad people do) I decided I would try to cheat. Why? Because I didn’t want to lose the respect of my teacher. So, during my lunch break, I sat in the hallway outside his classroom and held textbook in my lap so that I could look up some answers. Another teacher came around the corner of the hall and spotted me looking in the book. That asshole ran over and ripped my test paper in two, then ratted me out. I told my teacher that I only had the book in my lap because he hadn’t given me a copy of the periodic table. He believed me. Why? Because I’m a good person, and he probably pittied me for being out of school and forgetting there was a test. I wasn’t being malicious. I wound up with a C- on the test, so it’s not like I got an A I didn’t deserve then got into Harvard and became President. I got into a shitty liberal arts college and became a record store clerk. Wait a minute — maybe karma does exist!
03. I’m A Safe Driver – I don’t even honk at people who cut me off on the freeway. At intersections, I wave other cars through even if I’ve been sitting there longer then they have. In other words, I guess I’m a bad driver. Once in a blue moon (like if someone nearly kills me) I might flash my brights at them or yell something obscene, but I don’t drive by and give anyone the finger, and I’ve never forced anybody to pull over and then attacked them. My father did that once, and my mother used to tell me about it all the time — I guess to scare me out of using violence to solve problems — so I’ve never broken anybody’s nose or shot them in the head just because they merged into my lane without signaling. Considering the high rate of driving fatalities, I’d say that my safe driving and my “Hakuna Matata” approach to having my life threatened by dangerous, stupid assholes makes me a good person. No, wait — a great person.
02. I’m Not Socially Aware, But I Try – Nate asked if I was socially aware before, and I instantly had a series of flashbacks to all the times I was out with Melissa and she’d have to punch me because I was talking about recent blowjobs or taking huge shits while in the company of small children. I said, “No, I’m not socially aware.” Then Nate said, “But do you notice when people in social situations are acting awkward?” And I said, “Always. I try to call attention to it.” Then he tried to think of other reasons why I’m a good person, and that’s when I realized that what I’d just said wasn’t try. In fact, my best asset is my ability to deflect bad attention onto myself. What I mean by that is, if you and I are hanging out and shit is boring, I will gladly debase myself for your amusement. When I see that person in a social setting acting awkward, I will do something or say something even more awkward so as to force everyone’s attention onto me. Why? Because I don’t want anybody feeling bad for being awkward. Hell, I enjoy being socially awkward! If I can make someone else feel good about not being the most awkward dude in the room, and I can feel good about being the most awkward dude in the room, I’d say that’s a huge success, right? And my selflessness is probably the number one reason why I’m a good person. Except for the real number one reason, which is…
01. I Make People Laugh – Whether I’m blogging about struggling with my conscience, or I’m telling a funny joke to stop someone from crying, the fact that I’m so fucking funny makes me a really good person. I like to use humor as a means of conflict resolution, as opposed to getting bent out of shape and yelling at people. Shit, I stress myself out enough just waking up in the morning, I don’t need the added pressure of trying to argue and bullshit people. When I transferred colleges my roommates at the 2nd school took to calling me “Easy E”, which they attributed to my steering clear of all the drama that kept unfolding in the house, and for coming up with simple, reasonable settelments to others’ bickering and fighting. Of course, this probably had something to do with the fact that I was in a great frame of mind from being able to fuck my ex-girlfriend whenver I wanted without having to deal with any of her crummy baggage. When you’re lucky enough to get free pussy with no strings attached (other than the fragile strings barely holding the girl’s poor psyche together), who wouldn’t be laid back, free and easy all the time?
I’m a good person, I swear.
