I was watching the History Channel last night, and they were airing a program that focused on meteors and meteorites. They showed footage of a meteorite traveling up the East Coast and landing in upstate New York. Then…something incredible happened. The narrator stated how rare and expensive meteorites can be, and then the audience was introduced to Bob Haag.
Robert A. Haag is known as “The MeteoriteMan,” and he travels the world collecting and selling meteorites. The guy is a millionaire. Unfortunately for Mr. Haag, he pretty much embodies a child predator in every way. The sound of his voice…the affable yet creepy things that he says…He’s like your favorite elementary school teacher and a parent’s worst nightmare rolled into one. He’d only been on camera for a minute or so before he excitedly blurted out, “It lets you be an astronaut, right here on Earth!” and then “You can go to the moon, go to Mars, or even fly around in the stars — with meteorites!” I haven’t found a YouTube video with those exact quotes, but Nicci found one today (Meteorite Hunter video) where he queerly tells the camera, “They give me an opportunity to participate in the space program.” He also uses some of his amazing sound effects to demonstrate just what it sounds like when meteorites hurtle through our atmosphere, and maybe land in the mayor’s backyard!
The importance of watching this homo on the TV was not lost on me. I’ve now decided that I want to be a meteorite hunter, and I want to travel the world looking for gems from outer space. Like I said before, this guy is a millionaire. He fucking goes around the world and drives off-road in gay little dune buggies looking for rocks. And he makes millions selling those rocks. Million. Of dollars. If I worked like, three months a year at my normal (shitty) salary and put that money towards super-cheap travel expenses, I could spend the rest of the year trying to find precious stones from beyond the stars. All I’d need is lodging. But if I stay in warm locales I guess I could camp out…
If, uh…If you wake up one morning and notice that I haven’t updated this website, it’s because I’ve left on an across-the-globe adventure. Remember that scene in Good Will Hunting where Ben Affleck’s shitty character says, “Every day I come by your house and I pick you up. And we go out. We have a few drinks, and a few laughs, and it’s great. But you know what the best part of my day is? For about ten seconds, from when I pull up to the curb and when I get to your door, ’cause I think, maybe I’ll get up there and I’ll knock on the door and you won’t be there. No goodbye. No see you later. No nothing. You just left. I don’t know much, but I know that?” Remember that? That’s exactly how the end of this website is going to come. You’re going to click onto here one day, and you’re going to see that the page hasn’t been updated in twenty-four hours or more, and you’re not going to get a goodbye. You’re just going to think back to this conversation (like Matt Damon’s character in Good Will Hunting) and realize that I’ve gone to travel the world in search of meteorites. And if I ever cross paths with Bob Haag, I’m going to tear his penis off so you won’t someday find it in your young child’s mouth.
Consider it a favor. From me to you. I get rich. I protect your kids from a potential predator lying in wait. Everybody wins.
