In this time of economic turmoil, as our country struggles with a potential credit crisis and housing market collapse, the media has taken painstaking measures to ensure we know precisely how panicked we should all be. Our nation’s financial system is in turmoil, and even though anyone with half a brain knows that the government bailout is a bad idea, the press continues its attempts at convincing us this is a good idea. As if that’s not bad enough, CNN has shifted some of its focus to trying to keep us alone, jaded and sexless. That’s right, one of America’s top news sources has come up with a scheme to increase the average American’s feelings of depression: tell them they shouldn’t be going out on dates. Who needs to get laid during a panic, anyway? First they rape our intellect with reports of The New Great Depression, the continuing War on Terror, and deadly natural disasters. Now we can’t even fuck.
Judy McGuire writes for CNN’s website, “Dating can be brutal…nine times out of ten, the whole evening turns out to be an exercise in humiliation and/or futility and you come home more miserable than you were beforehand.” So, instead of doing something about it, she’s penned “Five reasons NOT to go on a date“. Oh yeah, you old cranky bitch? I can think of ten reasons TO go on a date. And, you know what? The top five are the same as McGuire’s top five, only re-imagined and re-invented so that they make better sense.
10. What The Fuck Else Are You Going To Do? – I used to use this logic a lot when I was living at home and never getting pussy. If my choices were to either have my mom cook me dinner and spend the night watching a baseball game, or call up a girl I know is interested and try to get her to buy me a meal while slyly hinting at my being intrigued by potential sexual intercourse, I chose the latter. So too should you. I know every Mets fan is a closet Red Sox fan. I know how rabid Red Sox fans can be. If you’re sitting around at home trying to decide between watching them beat the lowly Angels (followed by an hour of crying and beating off) or calling up that girl you hooked up with six months ago but haven’t spoken to in a while to tell her you were just thinking about her and maybe sort of want to hang out…don’t be a sports fag. Make the call. Do the date. Suck it up. You’re gonna fuck.
09. Possible Free Meal – I’m a guy. I’m as shallow as you all think I am. I’ve met up with girls before hoping that they’ll foot the bill at the end of the night. I don’t make a lot of money, I never have, and sometimes I just want to eat a good meal without losing a good portion of my budget. If you younger readers know a girl whose parents are often out of town, there’s nothing wrong with calling her and telling her to take you out for (insert mid-level chain restaurant here). Girls whose parents are constantly traveling are loaded. Soak them. If you have to go down on her after dinner to feel better about scamming your way to a free meal, do it. You might even get a blowjob out of it to. A free meal and a blowjob? Jesus, that’s incredible.
08. You Might Actually Like It – And by “it”, I mean the person with whom you’re going on the date. I guess there are people out there who only ask girls or boys on dates because they genuinely like the person, but most of the dates I’ve been on haven’t been with girls I like. The girls I like I’ve always been too afraid to talk to, unless I’m inebriated beyond feeling any shame. So I wind up going on dates with girls I don’t like, and I only enjoy it as a writer trying to craft a memorable story. But, hey, I’ve gone on dates thinking it was dull and wound up really liking the girl. I guess that’s a good thing. Better than, say…not going on a date.
07. You Have No Friends – Look, I’m sorry, but some of you reading this don’t have any friends. It’s a sad fact of life. If you don’t go out on a date every once in a while you might never make any friends. Even if you don’t end up wrist-deep in some hot pussy, maybe you’ll come home at the end of the night feeling happy because you can call someone to go see the new Oliver Stone film with, and it won’t be awkward and uncomfortable like taking a first date to an Oliver Stone film would be. You see what I’m saying? You need to get out of the house more. Why not try to fuck somebody (or, at the very least, make a new friend) while you’re at it?
06. It’s A Good Story – Trust me, I know a thing or two about dates. Like, for example, how hilarious they always are. See that little column on the right-hand side of the page that says “Labels”? Do yourself a favor and click on the one that says “Adventures In Dating”. I guarantee you’ve had stories like those, too. They’re incredible. You can share them with your buddies over beer, or you could play victim and share stories about “the girl who got away” with another girl on another date. Dates are, like, the perfect stories. You can be King of the Keggerâ„¢ if you allow yourself to take center stage and tell everyone at the party about that crazy date you went on. Odds are some drunk slut at the party will think you’re witty and fuck you. You can get a free Knob Creek on the rocks if you share a good story with a chatty bartender. Everyone loves to hear about everybody else’s miserable and hilarious dating experiences, so why not pad your resume with a few superfluous dates? Call up a girl you don’t care about, or go troll Craigslist; approach the evening with an “I don’t give a fuck” attitude and you will have the time of your life.
05. You’re Lonely – “You’d think that going out when you’re feeling all alone would be an excellent idea.” And it damn well is a good idea. “I mean, how better to get over it than to spend time with a potential new” fuck buddy, “right”? RIGHT. “Loneliness can cloud a [person’s] judgement and make [you] do things like consider a 40-year-old virgin who still lives with [their] parents a viable dating option.” And it is a viable dating option, because you’re either going to FUCK the 40-year-old virgin and have an incredible story to share with your friends, or you’re not going to fuck the 40-year-old virgin and have an even more absurd story to share with your friends. Dude. You’ve been talking about going cougar hunting for months now…what if you found one, and she was also a virgin? Jackpot.
04. You’re Desperate – “This is what loneliness turns into if left untreated. And by ‘untreated’, I don’t mean that this is what happens when you’re single for a while. Not at all. There are plenty of cheerful single[s] who are neither desperate or lonely.” Those people are assholes. “Desperation will cause you to do things like drunk-dial the 40-year-old basement-dwelling virgin and beg [them] for another chance.” And, you know what? They’re going to feel sexy and fuck you for it. You’ll thank me later. Jesus…I don’t know what this author is thinking by writing all this shit. She’s so obviously socially retarded. Maybe Judy McGuire just needs a good fuck?
03. You’re Infectious – “Nasal drip, hacking, and/or phlegm are…acceptable date accessories.” So too are open sores, lesions, and sexually transmitted diseases, so long as they’re in remission. “At best…you could end up zonked out on Nyquil with some dork’s hand sliding it’s way up your knee as you’re suddenly hit with an attack of the sneezes.” Do you know what happens when man sneezes while a woman’s hand is on his knee? Her hand moves to his groin. It’s physics, people. If you want a woman’s hand on your junk, take a bunch of Nyquil and sneeze while she’s rubbing your leg. It won’t be long before you’re trying to figure out the science of matter and motion and electrical charge as they relate to anal.
02. You’re Not Over [Her] – This is, by far, the number one best reason to go on a date. During the days, weeks, and months directly following a lousy breakup, you need to go out and have sex with as many people as possible. You need to treat yourself like a Damn Hell Ass King, because you are a king. I used this exact approach while I was courting Nicci and look how it turned out. Amazingly. When you do irrational things because you’re trying to get a person off your mind, you wind up doing amazing things, incredible things, things which will live in infamy. You take your best bros. out for steaks and foot the bill even when you can’t afford it. You walk up to girls who are way out of your league and act like they should be begging you for your time and attention. You do crazy things, you do memorable things, you do great things…you do so many women you begin to feel like God. Going on dates (and going out in general) while you’re not over a person is the single best fucking thing in the world, ever.
01. You’re Drunk – “If you need more than one cocktail to get you into a date state, you should take off your fancy shoes,” then your drunk date’s fancy shoes, “plop yourself back down onto the sofa,” and prepare to have your dick ridden like a wild horse. Afterwards, “text your regrets to” your friends who weren’t hiding in the closet with a video camera, capturing the whole thing for posterity.
Take that, Judy McGuire at CNN.com!
