I’m sure all of you readers enjoyed your luxurious three-day vacation from me, but now I’m back to depress you and write lots of dirty words. I’m sorry, I tried, but I just couldn’t convince Ian to squeeze out any more posts about how he was unimpressed with almost every band he saw at ATP but it was still the best weekend of his life. What a funny guy he is!
I’m sure you’ll all be watching the debates tonight (so am I), but you’re definitely not going to read any political musings on this page. I would never desecrate this blog of mine by giving the United States government free publicity. No thank you sir (or madam), this page is specifically a place for me to say “shit” and “fuck” and make fun of overly sensitive “indie” musicians. Let’s just say there’s no room for politics in the Swan Fungus universe. But there is room for big-tittied bitches and collector scum.
Two paragraphs in, and I still don’t have any idea what I’m going to write about today. Welcome back, indeed. Wait a minute — I know what will ease me back into the blog-writing routine — a top ten list! A really confusing top ten list!
The Top 10 Things I’d Rather Not Be Doing Than Not Not Doing This
This is perfect! It’s a list about activities that are less appealing to me than writing a blog entry! By the way, if my interpretation of that statement is wrong, don’t bother telling me. It’ll be much funnier that way.
10. Watching The Mets Game – The whole thing is in shambles, really. I watch one day and they’re horrible. The next day, on the brink of collapse, they find a way to survive and give me great hope. Then, they suck again. Being a Mets fan is kind of like dating a complete slut. You know she’s never going to reform herself, and that sooner or later she’ll break your heart, but you stick around anyway. Why? Because when things are going well, she makes you feel sooooooo good. If you’re not a Mets fan, you couldn’t possibly comprehend it.
09. Working – I like my job and all, but sometimes it can be a bit much. All that fluorescent lighting and smelly record collectors gets to me sometimes. Fridays are good because I get off (ha!) at 5:00, zip home and eat an early dinner for a change. Except, of course, tonight I have to wait for everyone else to get off work so that we can watch the debate on DVR.
08. Smoke Pot – I don’t know, I’m just not into it anymore. I haven’t been in two years, really. I don’t feel creative or funny. I just get depressed and hang out in my own head. Who wants that? That’s what the rest of my life is like. A supposed “escape” shouldn’t be just more of the same. And don’t sit there and tell me I wasn’t smoking the right shit — I’m friends with Ilya, remember?
08. Trolling Craigslist Personals – Believe it or not, there was a time in my life when I would spend late nights laughing at the drivel penned by NYU students and trying to find postings made by people with whom I attended high school or college. There were even times when I’d put on my writer’s cap (it’s a trucker hat! with a big, black floppy dildo on the brim!) and scribe my own fake ads. And how could I forget the infamous “double date” I went on with Ken and two female coeds. Whatever, it’s all made irrelevant by the fact that I have a girlfriend. I’d rather blog and keep the girlfriend than not blog and subject myself to such embarrassments.
07. Take A Sick Nap – I’ve been fighting a head cold since Tuesday. People keep telling me that it’s the Santa Ana winds (whatever the hell that means), but I think it’s just been a nasty cold. Despite the fact that I’m a horrible sick patient and I spend every waking second complaining about how sick I feel, I would rather blog than take a nap. Even if it would help me beat the illness. I hate naps. I think they’re completely overrated. Am I still in pre-school? No. I don’t need to be put down for an hour or two in the middle of the afternoon. Sleep is for bedtime. There’s a name for people who sleep during the daytime: “clinically depressed”.
06. Crushed By A Train – I think it goes without saying that, for all its foibles, writing a blog entry when I don’t want to is still way better than being crushed to death by a train. I don’t care if I were fucking the hottest woman on Earth, I’d rather fuck a 7 or an 8 and go in my sleep than fuck a 10 or 11 and get crushed by a god damned train.
05. Moldy Men – Yeah, I think I’d rather blog than have to suffer the shame of unknowingly visiting the Moldy Men website, especially at work. By the way, wouldn’t Moldy Men make for an excellent Queercore band name? Their first single could be a cover of Agent Orange’s “Everything Turns Gray,” except reworked into “Everything Turns Gay!” By the way, if you don’t know what Moldy Men is, I implore you to follow this link (NOT SAFE FOR WORK).
04. See “Choke” – Yeah, I went through a Chuck Palahniuk phase in high school too. I read the book the week it was published, and thought it was cool. I also thought “Survivor” was a better book, and deserved to be made into a movie, post-9/11 Hollywood be damned! But…I’ve seen the trailers for this film for the past month and it looks awful. It looks to be some slick, stylized, Sophia Coppolla-directed shit sandwich. Unless I’m overwhelmingly urged by someone I love and respect to see the film, I can pretty much guarantee I will never waste my time on it. I’d rather watch the Mets lose to the Marlins. Oh, wait. I’m doing that right now. FUCK.
03. Buy Food – I can’t be bothered. I haven’t properly shopped for groceries since — this is embarrassing — my mother visited me in March. She’s such a Jewish mother she actually dragged me to a supermarket near where she was staying and bought me food to keep in the apartment. I just…there’s so many other things I could be doing with my time. Yeah, it’d probably save me a ton of money if I just spent twenty minutes at Trader Joe’s and didn’t order pizza or go out for Mexican food every night, but…God, it’s such a fucking hassle. I don’t even really like food. Why the hell should I go grocery shopping! That’d be like asking an arachnophobe to hold your pet tarantula while you take a leak.
01. Watch The Debate – What’s it really going to accomplish? I’m going to get mad or I’m going to get depressed. Then I’m going to watch “spin alley” and I’ll have to endure the media talking about how one guy shone and one guy faltered, and even though they gave almost identical answers I’ll be told how different the candidates are from one another. It’s utterly pointless. One man can’t really change things, can he? Don’t the corporations and lobbyists and interest groups really run the show? Why bother. I’d rather write a shitty blog entry about how I’d rather blog than watch a debate. Oh, wait. I already am.
Okay, I’m going to go eat some pizza and watch the debate now.
