An enterprising blogger has uncovered the world’s first album cover (link courtesy of Vegan Nick). Designed by twenty-three year old Alex Steinweiss in 1939, the cover was conceptualized for Columbia Records, who previously sold recorded music in plain-colored sleeves (or what we now know as “inner sleeves”). The album, Smash Song Hits by Richard Rodgers & Lorenz Harts, contained a marquee announcing the title and artists juxtaposed to a 78 label. Pretty awesome, no?
Catching a glimpse of the world’s first album cover can be a very inspiring moment in one’s life. And, in fact, it has inspired me today to post my list of the ten worst album covers of all time. No, I’m not going to use the old standard’s like the Scorpion’s Virgin Killer (original issue on RCA) or the Birth Control Best Of with the fetus in the trash can. It won’t even include the version of Bowie’s Diamond Dogs where the gatefold opens to expose Bowie with a dog cock. Nope, this list is based entirely of stupid modern albums by unoriginal bands/artists who have gone on to great mainstream success because of their “safe”, “accessible” “indie” sound.
Based Entirely On My Hating The Bands In Question
10. Death Cab For Cutie – We Have The Facts And We’re Voting Yes – God, what a stupid design. Are those people running from the wussy voice of pudgy singer Ben “Gibblets” Gibbard? Maybe it’s his unmistakable crystalline guitar tone, as lulling and contemplative as a date rape. Oftentimes I find myself trying to reconcile the conflicting opinions of Death Cab that I have, because part of me really hates them and part of me wishes great bodily harm on them.
09. The Shins – Wincing The Night Away – Trying to make it through one of these songs without slicing my own neck with a box-cutter is a chore. An attempt to force myself to endure it for the purpose of penning a review literally had me wincing in pain. How much more mundane can a band sound? How much less could they challenge the ear? The answer, in both cases, is a resounding “It’s The Shins, man, they fucking blow so who gives a shit?”
08. Justice – †– Well, duh. If you’re going to release an album, why not use a catchy symbol that is easily recognizable the world over. How about next time you show a little less ingenuity and use a middle finger or an eyeball or a leaf or something. For a French electronic duo, I would have expected something more…like two dudes sucking each other’s dicks. But what do I know? Maybe they already used that one for a 12″ dance remix.
07. Bright Eyes – Fevers And Mirrors – Look deep into your own soul with this reflective album cover. Sorry, Mr. Connor Oberst doesn’t have time to hear your harrowing tales of self-examination, or about what a joy it is to listen to his very pretty singing voice, he’s too busy examining himself. Over, and over, and over, and over. Bright Eyes (or the music of Oberst, whatever you want to call it) is music for the children of Baby Boomers, those spoiled young people who are so completely enamored with themselves they cannot make time for anything other than bitching about their lives. Their idol is a dopey goon from Nebraska who thinks he’s Elliott Smith but can’t play guitar, carry a tune, or even write a unique guitar melody.
06. Wilco – Yankee Hotel Foxtrot – Leave it to a Dave Matthews / Grateful Dead alternative rock band from Chicago to do something as gutsy as steal their title from The Conet Project, and then design a terrible cover that reflects the pedestrian music contained on the disc said cover advertises. Perhaps there is a relationship between bands with titivating frontmen — like Wilco’s Jeff Tweedy — and hackneyed, horrible cover designs. Have you seen that documentary about recording the album? I Am Trying To Break Your Heart? Oh my God, if you haven’t…you might even say it rivals Metallica’s Some Kind Of Monster in the sense that it depicts the inner-workings of major label bands who have no fucking idea what it means to have integrity.
05. Sonic Youth – Rather Ripped – Nothing says “over the hill” than generic (or should I say “geriatric”) album artwork for a band who lost touch with creativity close to a decade ago. God, Sonic Youth…They’ve got some iconic designs (Daydream Nation, Goo…et al), but this one shows about as much thought as waking up and taking a huge shit after a night of excessive drinking. I guess it was bound to happen eventually, but I think we all hoped that Sonic Youth would quit the biz gracefully rather than rape and tarnish their legacy by signing a deal with Starbucks, creating a celebrity-picked greatest hits compilation, and completely watering down their once exciting and innovative sound. Nice going, assholes.
04. The Flaming Lips – At War With The Mystics – The only thing worse than making no effort at all is making an effort and falling flat on your face, smashing into the concrete, crushing your nose and breaking your teeth. I’m sorry, but I’ve never liked this band, I find them to be pretentious and boring. I own The Soft Bulletin and Zaireeka, both of which I’ve listened to a combined total of five times since purchasing them. The music is totally uninteresting, they’ve got another one of those whining, obnoxious singers, and their live show is intended to distract audiences from the fact that, as a band, they totally blow dogs.
03. Clap Your Hands Say Yeah – Clap Your Hands Say Yeah – The first time I put this CD on in my car, I was driving Ilya home from the airport, and as we turned down Stadium Way, I reached over and ejected the CD from my stereo, then hurled it out the window. I think I might have said something pun-ny, like “Clap your hands and say goodbye!” while making a magician now-you-see-it-now-you-don’t type of gesture. Maybe you had to be there. In any event, look at that piece of shit and tell me you’re interested in hearing just how atrocious this band sounds.
02. The Arcade Fire – Funeral – It kind of looks like the letters of the band’s name are an audience, and they’re watching some foppish, preening director’s artsy-fartsy new film at the local cineplex. Listening to that album for the first time, I still remember thinking, “Hey kids, try to add a little more canned emotion to your next release”. Then I threw away the stupid promo CD-r Merge Records likes to send reviewers because they’re afraid the CDs will just wind up in the cut-out bin (98% of the time this is true). Lo-and-behold, the cloying Montreal (by way of Texas) “art-rock” “collective” (vomit vomit vomit vomit) outdid themselves with their next release (which manages to be even more self-indulgent), which sounds like John Cafferty and Phil Collins raping David Byrne on a pipe organ. Mmm…no thanks. Worst band ever? It’s quite likely they are.
01. Sufjan Stevens – The Avalanche – Hey, have a little more confidence son, I don’t think putting a character of yourself on an album cover wearing a cape and flying really lets us know just how highly you regard yourself. The cover features snow-capped peaks, a pick-up truck, a green valley, and a man in a suit announcing “outtakes and extras from the Illinois album!”. Ah, yes, the snow-capped peaks of Illinois, located somewhere between Galena and Sikeston. Fucking out-takes album. Great, just what we need, more auditory macaroni art about a state you researched to death and almost killed my affection for — by the way, how’s that 50 albums about 50 states project coming? You haven’t released anything since 2005 (not counting The Avalanche or that preposterously vain Christmas box set), I can only imagine you’re squirreled away somewhere working desperately on finishing up your North Dakota album.
Thank you Edgar from Bonn, Germany! Thank you Stephen from Nagoya, Japan! Your donations have gotten this little fundraiser of mine off to a wonderful start. As a token of my appreciation, you will both be receiving handsome care packages, totally personalized and completely unique from each other. If you’re reading this for the first time, I am asking that you bid on an eBay auction or make a donation to the website (normally donations are used to pay web hosting fees or to get drunk) because my roommates are moving out on the first of August and taking with them their turntable. What good is being a record collector without a turntable? I also have to get a new cellphone because Verizon has no coverage where I work or where I live. This could be expensive. If you would like to help out in my web-a-thon, there is a PayPal link at the top left column of this page. If not for me…do it for yourself? Otherwise you’re surely going to hell. My goal is $350, which is a bit of a reach considering my best month ever for donations brought me thirty-five dollars…but maybe if I sell out a little bit and post more popular MP3s, it won’t be such a reach! Of course, I will personally be sending special ‘Thank You’ gifts to everyone who donates. Even if you live in Lithuania or Sri Lanka. For serious this time, Mike M. Cost be damned!
