Oh, CNN/CareerBuilder. Your Top Tens are becoming a weekly must-read. Each successive foray into the world of list-making has been more inane than the last. I really thought you bottomed out with the list of “25 reasons why you’re not getting the job.” This week I am once again convinced that you have bottomed out. “10 best excuses for coming to work late” might be the dumbest, most juvenile list I have ever read in my entire life. Seriously, in what way is this list supposed to help anybody? It’s like ten “the dog ate my homework” excuses aimed at members of the workforce who are about thirty years removed from having to think up an excuse for why they’re late to something. In fact, I’m pretty sure that if someone actually needs to read this article in order to get help conjuring a “why I’m late” excuse, it’s because they’re mentally handicapped, and they probably can’t even navigate their way to your website without supervision.
Not only should CNN and CareerBuilder be embarrassed by the mere thought that this would be an entertaining read, their lighthearted approach to the piece makes me wonder if they’ve just given up on Top Tens. The actual “list” is included in a section of the article called “Use your imagination”, and the excuses they create are things like, “While rowing across the river to work, I got lost in the fog” and “Someone stole all my daffodils.” That shit doesn’t even make sense. I could tell you ten totally arbitrary statements that are in no way related to commuting to work and call it a fucking Top Ten list if you want. And, since it’s Friday, I guess I’ll just have to show you how it’s done. Assholes.
10. There’s too much fiber in my breakfast bar – What that means is, you’re too busy shitting yourself to death and crying on the toilet to start your morning routine. You woke up, fixed a cup of coffee, grabbed the newspaper, sat down at the table with your breakfast bar and read the Sports section, but as soon as you stood up to throw away the wrapper for your fiber-enriched meal, you felt the first pangs of an inevitable holy-shit-this-is-going-to-suck bowel movement. You spent the next forty minutes writhing in agony. You tried to shower quickly to make up some time but it was to no avail, you still started your morning drive just in time to hit traffic on the Interstate. That’s your excuse for why you’re an hour late today.
09. My wife finally started feeling frisky – What kind of boss is going to scold you when you tell him that you just got laid for the first time in six months? As long as you don’t work at some crazy Internet start-up and he (or she, I guess) isn’t some fresh, youthful CEO, your boss is going to empathize with you. In fact, he (or she, I guess) might even pat you on the back or give you a subtle high-five as a means of conveying joy for your good fortune.
08. Raped by Kobe Bryant – Just pretend you’re a 19-year-old girl from Colorado who works at some sort of hotel or spa, and Kobe Bryant raped you. Only in this case it will actually be fake, because everybody knows that Kobe Bryant is a fucking douchebag and a rapist, and he got away with it because of his fame. God, what an asshole. The other night at the Lakers/Celtics game Pat went up to one of the police officers stationed at the Staples Center and said, “Officer! Officer! There’s a rapist on the loose inside the building! He’s running around on the court playing basketball; he’s wearing a shirt with the number twenty-four on it!” The policeman smiled and told Pat, “Shit happens.” Fucking hilarious.
07. You Were Taken-In By Government Officials For Questioning – The only reason this one is making the list is because True Lies is on TV right now and I’ve actually grown bored by the notion of writing ten original ideas for this list. It’s not my strongest top ten, but there are some good one liners sprinkled throughout. Anyway, tell your boss men with guns dressed in all black broke into your home and took you away to a weird room with a two-way mirror, and they asked you all sorts of personal questions and demanded that you help them with some top secret operation. That should get that stupid son of a bitch off your back. He pays you fucking minimum wage or an entry level salary or whatever, and you expect him to care if you’re thirty minutes late? The government guys had fucking guns!
06. Jumanji – Did you read that book? Or see that movie starring a young, still-potentially-cute Kiki Dunst? Those people couldn’t get anything done — not a thing! What with the monsoons and deadly snakes and shit, do you think a single one of them had time to shower and dress and drive to work? Plus, there was that traffic jam that was hampered by all the animals running free. No, wait, I think I’m confusing Jumanji with 12 Monkeys, when the Army Of The 12 Monkeys frees all the animals in the zoo and Bruce Willis and that lady actress sit in traffic on the way to the airport. Yeah, that’s the one. Whatever, just tell your boss a game of Jumanji broke out, and he (or she, I guess) will completely understand why you’re late.
05. AA/NA Meeting – Yeah, they have them in the mornings, too. And, quite frankly, you should tell your boss you expect him (or her, I guess) to be happy that you’re making a conscious effort to better your life. What’s being late, really, in the wake of a crippling addiction or a life-threatening habit? Geez, asshole, it’s called “perspective”. Get some.
04. Because the clock struck (insert time) before I got here – This is an updated version of an excuse used in one of the greatest motion pictures of all time, High School High, starring Jon Lovitz. What’s your boss going to say other than “okay”. Speaking of Jon Lovitz, I remember when I was in middle school, Todd Solondz chose to film some of Happiness‘s interior scenes at a house in Livingston that neighbored the house of my best friend. We used to hang out and watch the production crew and ask them questions about the movie. I guess because we were relatively young, and Happiness dealt with a lot of mature issues, some of the folks on set told us they were filming “a new Jon Lovitz movie”. When I came of age and rented Happiness with my friends, we were shocked to find out that Jon Lovitz really only appears in the first three minutes of the movie. Then he dies. We were all disappointed. Then we watched William H. Macy jerk off in the parking lot of the (no longer standing) Quick Stop, and all was forgotten.
03. Time Travel – Tell your boss that you unlocked the secret of time travel, but instead of traveling to the moment you were due at work, you chose the moment when you actually arrived. So, technically, you’re “late”, but in actuality you’re exactly on time. How can you be reprimanded when you’ve traveled to the precise point of time you wanted to travel to? It’s not your fault you chose 10:00am instead of 9:30 or whenever the workday begins, you arrived at exactly 10:00am when you were supposed to, so he (or she, I guess) should quit bitching and pay you some respect for making perhaps the greatest scientific discovery of all time. And also for showing up exactly on time! YOUR TIME!
02. Your Dick Was Stuck In A Milking Machine – Just tell him that you were out of town on business (his business), and you got caught in a storm, and you sought refuge on a nearby farm. Now, the farmer took you out to his barn, and he told you, “You can spend the night in my barn, but do me a favor and don’t stick your willy into any of the three holes in the wall.” Tell your boss you couldn’t help yourself, and you stuck your willy in the first hole. It felt good. You stuck your willy in the second hole, and it felt even better. You stuck your willy in the third hole and it hurt like hell and wouldn’t let go. Well, in the morning (that morning you were late for work), the farmer came into the barn and told you that his wife was behind the first hole, his daughter was behind the second hole, and there was a milking machine behind the third hole that didn’t let go until it got fifty gallons. And that’s why you were late for work.
01. I fucked up – Just say you fucked up and that’s why you’re late. Much like the other nine items on this list, there isn’t really much your boss can say if you just level with him (or her, I guess) about your lateness. “Dude, I fucking got up on time, I did all the shit I had to do, and…I don’t know…I just got here a few minutes late. It happens, fucking forget about it. You’re wasting time I could be using to catch up by telling me about how I’m late. I already know I’m late, it’s not making me any more on-time listening to you talking about it.” For fuck’s sake, just go on with your day. This isn’t high school. Four late days don’t equal one absence. You won’t be docked your annual bonus, you won’t be uninvited to the company Christmas party, and you definitely won’t call out your superior when he (or she) is late. You just fucking deal with it when it happens, and so should they.
